The Gambler, the Thief, and the Black-market Boss
by SSSRHA
Summary: Naruto's never lost. Sasuke's never gotten caught. Sakura's going to keep it that way. Kakashi doesn't want to be involved. Itachi doesn't know what to say. The Third Hokage is somewhat clueless. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura want to make it very clear that they were barely at fault. Everyone else disagrees. Crack treated seriously! Gambler!Naruto Thief!Sasuke MafiaBoss!Sakura
1. Prologue

_**~Prologue~**_

Naruto and Sasuke glanced around. The alley was dark, and they were alone. A small grin forming on his face, Naruto lead Sasuke through the worn door of a store with broken windows that had long since closed.

"You sure this is the place?" Sasuke muttered.

"Positive," Naruto said back. "She's never wrong."

"She's never wrong about this stuff," Sasuke agreed, "but you don't exactly have the best sense of direction."

"Shut up," Naruto muttered.

The two maneuvered their way through the forgotten furniture, all the way to the back of the store. Then, Naruto pushed a shelf aside. It had wheels on the bottom of it, so it was fairly easy. There was a door behind it. Naruto carefully opened it. Light and sound flooded into the store.

"Come on," Naruto said, excited. "I haven't been here since they moved it!"

"I'm coming," Sasuke grumbled. They put the shelf back in place and closed the door. There were a set of stairs leading down into the shop's basement. When Naruto and Sasuke reached the bottom, they were met by a guard.

The bulky man glared down at them. "You better go back to your mommies. This isn't the place for toddlers."

Sasuke snarled at the man. The man involuntarily took a step back. Naruto, however, just flipped the man a coin and said, "You must be new. Sasuke doesn't like people pointing out his age. We'll let it slide."

The guard, flabbergasted, said, "But, but you're five!"

"Six!" Sasuke snapped.

"What does it matter?" Naruto asked. "Besides, Doku's expecting us."

"D-Doku?!" the guard stuttered.

"Don't stutter. It's not becoming of a guard of the _Kuro ie_." Naruto and Sasuke went on their way.

* * *

"Well, well, well, look who we've got here. Welcome back."

"Thank you, Lord Matsuya."

"Forget about it. I see you brought your sidekick."

"Nah, if I called him my sidekick, he would skewer me."

"Well, I wouldn't put it past him. He's an Uchiha, after all. Now, you're in for a game with Doku and his gang, right?"

"Yes, Lord Matsuya."

"Well, be careful kid."

"I will."

* * *

Naruto's face was neutral, cards in his hand.

"Geez," he heard someone in the background whisper, "the kid's got mad poker skills. What's he doing down here, anyway? He and his friend are probably, like, three!"

"They're six, you idiot. Quiet down or they'll hear you!"

"What's the matter?"

"Don't you know who that is? He's Tsuchigumo! And his friend, he's the second child of the Uchiha Clan Head!"

"R-Really?"

"Yes, now shut up!"

Sasuke heard the whole conversation and was livid. Why he ought to gut them alive. It would be so quick that no one would notice until it was too late. Yes, that would be-

Wait.

Sasuke's eyes widened a fraction when he eyed Doku slip a card under his table. He glanced at Naruto. He also noticed but made no move to call him out. Sasuke understood. This was his domain.

Dammit, he didn't have any weapons on him. Sasuke shot Naruto a look. _I'll be right back._

 _You better be quick._

Sasuke turned and calmly walked out of the room. Once he was out, he quickly grabbed a leftover apron that one of the waiters had left. He went up to a table where someone had just sat down.

"Hello, can I take your order?"

The man, who Sasuke recognized as Kanamoto, glanced at him. "A bottle of _sake_."

"Of course." Sasuke made like he was going to leave, before pausing. "Wait...aren't you the crazy old drunk that Sanoma keeps talking about?"

Kanamoto went rigid. "Who is this... _Sanoma?_ "

"Uh...he was in the back. The one with the obviously-dyed-black hair."

"Thanks, kid."

Kanamoto got up and walked away. While he did, though, Sasuke carefully snagged his pocket knife out of his back pocket.

He noticed that the woman Kanamoto was sitting with had seen him. Sasuke extended the knife and flipped it in his hand, something any Academy student his age could do, but it never failed to intimidate civilians. Sasuke winked and whispered, "Shh."

The woman, white as a sheet, nodded.

Sasuke pocketed the blade and walked back to the room. On his way, he found a distressed waiter. He undid his apron and said, "O-Oh, uh, Mister? I found this...is it yours?"

"Yes!" the waiter exclaimed. "Thank you!"

Sasuke gave him a polite smile, then made his way back to the room. Everyone was about to reveal their cards. He made his way towards Doku then, quick as lightning, snatched the various cards from his lap.

"Ah," Sasuke said, "so you're cheating now?"

Doku's face twisted into a snarl. "You little...Get them!"

Sasuke and Naruto were suddenly back-to-back as a few of the guards and all the other poker players stood, advancing on them. Naruto had his kunai out, and Sasuke his newly acquired pocket knife.

The rest of the guards didn't make a single move to help. They, like most everyone in the _Kuro ie_ , were always craving a good fight.

Naruto and Sasuke glanced at each other. _What are we supposed to do?_ the former seemed to ask.

Determination burned in Sasuke's eyes. _We fight._

The odds weren't good though. Sure, Sasuke and Naruto were quite good for their age, but against nearly a dozen people? They could win, but it would be hard.

Of course, they could just flee, but there was thirty thousand Ryo in the pot. They wanted their money!

Just as the first person launched themselves at them, though, the door to the room burst open. Men in black suits started charging in, and many people balked at the insignia on their backs.

"I-It's the _Akai Kawa's_ men! Run!"

In the middle of all the pandemonium, Naruto and Sasuke let out a breath of relief.

"How does she always know when we're in trouble?" Naruto muttered.

"Now, that would be telling," a high-pitch voice said.

Naruto and Sasuke watched as Sakura walked into the room, a pair of sunglasses on her head.

She sighed. "This is starting to feel like a habit. You try to do something, you screw it up, and I have to bail you out. You do realize that I have other things to do, right?"

"S-Sorry Sakura," Sasuke and Naruto synced.

"You always say that," Sakura sniffed, "but you never mean it!"

"You know you love us."

"...I suppose I do."

"Yay!"

"Now, come on. We've got to go to the Academy tomorrow. Sasuke, your parents and Itachi must be worried sick."

"...I'll go."

"Good. Now-"

"Uh, Lady Sakura?" one of the _Akai Kawa's_ men interrupted quite sheepishly.

"What is it?"

"Er, what are supposed to do with these?" He indicated what was in his hand.

Sakura critically eyed the severed head in his hand, which was still dripping blood, some guts poking out. She glanced around the room and noticed many more of her men having the same problem.

"Get the duct tape. We'll wrap 'em and take 'em out back. Make sure we've got enough wood and gas."

"Yes, Lady Sakura."

"Oh, and Suyo?" she called across the room. Suyo who was about to, er, _get rid_ _of_ the person in his hands, paused.

"Yes, Lady Sakura?"

"Don't kill Doku. He's too high profile."

"Got it."

Sakura put on her sunglasses and turned to her two friends. "I'll just take my share of the money and we can go."

"Of course," Naruto said, expertly dividing up the money.

"Oh, uh, Sakura?" Sasuke said. Sakura turned to him. "Here."

Sasuke flipped Sakura his pocket knife. She raised an eyebrow. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"I snagged it off Kanamoto."

"Kami, Sasuke, how the hell'd you do that?"

"Now," Sasuke said with a wink, "that would be telling."

* * *

Sasuke did his best to quietly sneak into his house. Out of him, Naruto, and Sakura, he had the hardest time hiding it. Naruto lived alone and Sakura's mother knew that Sakura ran her late-father's underground business. Sasuke, however, had two parents and a brother, none of whom knew about his... _other life_.

Luckily for him, everyone seemed to be asleep. Sasuke climbed through his bedroom window, which he always kept unlocked when he was away, and made his way to the shower. Some of Sakura's men got blood all over him.

Itachi watched silently from the shadows of his brother's room. _What on Earth..._

 _ **~End of Prologue~**_

* * *

 **Whelp...I'm definitely going to regret posting this. Anyway, here's the prologue to my new story, even though I've got a few others still going. I'm honestly an idiot, but inspiration just struck! I don't know when I'll post the first chapter, but it'll be soon...hopefully. Be on the lookout for that.**

 **Anyway, remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review! I might continue based on just how much attention this gets! Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	2. How to Completely Screw Up!

_In the Prologue, our six-year-old protagonists are introduced. Naruto plays a game of poker with Doku and his men in the_ _ **Kuro ie**_ _(_ _Black House_ _), and Sasuke calls Doku out when he cheats. Doku and his men surround Naruto and Sasuke, but the men of the_ _ **Akai Kawa**_ _(_ _Red River_ _), underlings of Sakura, come and save the day. When Sasuke tries to get home unnoticed, his brother watches through the shadows. What will come next?_

Chapter One: How To Completely Screw Up!

 **Six Years Later...**

"YOU FAIL!"

Naruto fell to the ground in misery, his sickly Bunshin dispersing.

"Uh...Iruka, why don't we just pass him? Sure, his _Bunshin_ is... _sub-par_ , but he did make one, which is much better than last year. I think we can agree that he has shown a tremendous amount of growth."

Iruka glanced to the side. "Mizuki, I know he's grown, and I'm proud...BUT HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PASS HIM WHEN HE CAN'T MAKE A SINGLE USEFUL CLONE?!"

Naruto winced and Mizuki sighed. "Yeah...I guess you're right." He turned to Naruto. "Sorry, but you fail...for the third time."

Naruto nodded and walked out of the testing room.

"So, how'd it go?" a voice asked. Naruto glanced up.

"I failed."

Sasuke choked. _"Again?!"_ Naruto nodded. Sakura sighed.

"See, Naruto," Sakura said, "I told you to ask Sasuke to get the answer sheet."

"Hey, I passed the written exam!" Naruto said. "Barely," he added almost as a second thought. "What I failed is the _Bunshin._ "

Sakura shook her head. "That's just bad luck."

Sasuke nodded along. "Yeah, you should invest in a _gakugyo-joju."_

Naruto blinked. "...eh?"

"You don't know what a _gakugyo-joju_ is? It's an _omamori,_ a sort of good-luck charm, for students. They're supposed to help you study and pass exams. My mother bought me one for the Graduation Exam."

"You can buy that next year," Sakura said, waving her hand dismissively at Sasuke, who rolled his eyes. "What you should get is a _kaiun omamori_ for good fortune, or a _yakuyoke_ _omamori_ for warding off evil."

"How about a _katsumori_ for success? Or a _shoubaihanjou_ for finding money? Both might help you with your gambling."

"You can even get a _kumajo_ for protection against bears-"

 _"Bears?!"_ Naruto squeaked.

"...I think we're overwhelming him."

"Why don't we just take him to a shrine so he can choose?"

"Yeah, that's probably a better idea."

* * *

In the end, Naruto bought a _yakuyoke,_ which he clipped to the inside of his orange jacket. Sasuke bought him _katsumori_ that Naruto hung around his neck (to intimidate his opponents, he would later admit), and Sakura got him a _shoubaihanjou,_ which he slipped into Gama-chan.

"Remember," the shrine attendant warned, "these only last a year. After a year, bring them back so we can properly dispose of them. Do not, I repeat, _do not_ throw them away. Is that understood, young man?"

"Y-Yes!" Naruto said, quickly nodding his head.

"Good. I trust you'll come here more often?"

"Er..."

The attendant sighed. "Kids your age never have faith these days."

Naruto laughed sheepishly as Sasuke and Sakura dragged them away.

"Don't take the 'one-year' thing to heart," Sasuke said. "My family has _omamori_ that are passed down from generation to generation. Since my brother's the oldest, he gets my father's, but I'll get my mother's."

Naruto nodded absent-mindedly.

Suddenly, someone said, "Naruto?"

All three jumped slightly and turned. Naruto blinked. "...Mizuki-sensei?"

"Can I have a moment to talk with you?"

* * *

"...he asked you to steal the Scroll of Seals?" Sasuke asked incredulously.

"Yep," Naruto said, nodding.

"Well then," Sakura said, "let's give him the Scroll of Seals."

"W-What?!" Sasuke said, choking. "This is the _Scroll of Seals_ we're talking about here, not some useless old book! It's full of jutsu that the Hokage have deemed too dangerous for use! _The Hokage! They're the strongest people in the village and they still thought they were dangerous!"_

"Calm down Sasuke, you're speaking in italics," Naruto said absentmindedly.

 _"What the hell are you talking about?!"_

"We can have Sasuke steal it and we all can meet up with Mizuki-sensei..." Sakura muttered.

"And if Iruka-sensei catches us, Mizuki-sensei will get busted and we'll still get to look at some forbidden jutsu," Naruto said.

Sakura and Naruto both turned to Sasuke, evil grins on their faces. "Come one, Sasuke dear," Sakura sang. "You know what to do!"

"No way in hell am I stealing the Scroll of Seals! If I get caught, I'll be in so much trouble! And it might cause some tension between my Clan and the government! The gods know that we had enough of _that_ five years ago."

"But _Saaaasukeeee..."_ Naruto whined. _"Think of all the jutsu!"_

"Now look who's talking in italics," Sakura muttered.

"What are you two talking about?!" Sasuke yelled. He suddenly sighed, shaking his head. "Nevermind. However, if I'm caught, we're going to prison _together,_ got that?"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto said dismissively.

"...fine," Sasuke spat. "I'll commit treason just because my two best friends wanted me to!"

"Thanks Sasuke, you're the best!"

 _"Shut up-"_

"Italics."

"YOU LITTLE SH-"

* * *

"Sasuke, where have you been?" Itachi asked.

Sasuke, his face red and his eyes set in a glare, hissed, "Talking to my _friends."_

"...I take it that you had a disagreement with them?"

"They're being idiots and they want me to be an idiot and I was under the illusion that I was not an idiot but, in the end, it turns out that I _am_ an idiot, just very good at hiding it."

"...I see."

"No, no you don't." With that, Sasuke stomped off to his room.

Belatedly, Itachi realized he had forgotten something pretty important. "Congratulations on graduating!" he yelled down the hall. His only answer was a slammed door. Itachi winced slightly.

Yeah, Sasuke wasn't in a good mood.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Itachi asked when he spotted Sasuke leaving the house with a bag on his back.

"Being an idiot," Sasuke said.

"Should I be concerned?"

"Probably."

"Will you get in trouble?"

"No," Sasuke said with a sigh. As much as he hated to admit it, Naruto and Sakura were right. He wasn't going to get caught.

"I see. Where are you going?"

"Somewhere only an idiot would go."

"When will you be returning?"

"Anywhere from an hour to tomorrow morning."

"...do I want to know?"

"No, you really don't. Trust me. It's not worth it."

"I'll take your word for it."

"Congratulations, you're not an idiot."

"So I've been told."

"You'll cover for me?"

"Have fun at your _sleepover."_

Sasuke grinned slightly. "See you tomorrow, Big Brother."

The two brothers nodded, and Sasuke was off.

* * *

Sasuke crouched in one of the many trees next to the Hokage's house.

"I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot, I'm an idiot..." It had become his mantra.

Sasuke watched the sun slip under the horizon and the sky darken. Eventually, Sasuke sighed and stood up on his branch.

"Okay, idiot," he said to himself, "let's do this."

Jumping from tree to tree, Sasuke eventually made it to the house's outdoor storage unit. If the Sarutobi Clan was anything like his own then they probably wouldn't guard the storage house. As an added bonus, it was much, _much_ smaller than the Uchiha's. It made sense, considering that the Sarutobi Clan currently consisted of only three people.

He glanced around, making sure no one was there, and slowly proceeded towards the house.

"Hey, who's there?" he heard a voice bark. Sasuke froze.

After a split-second coin toss in his head, he yelled out in a scared voice, "H-Hello? Is anybody th-there?"

And suddenly there was a shinobi, most-likely a Chuunin, standing in front of him. "...who are you?" For a second, Sasuke couldn't believe that the man didn't realize who he was (after all, he was [sadly] famous). That's when Sasuke truly realized how dark it must have been for him. Since Sasuke came from a clan with a great doujutsu, he had been trained from a very young age to use his eyesight to the fullest and, as a consequence, he could see things much better than others. The Chuunin probably couldn't tell him apart from Naruto right now.

Eventually, Sasuke managed to say, "Y-You're a stranger!"

The man paused, considering this. Then, "What are you doing here, kid?"

Ignoring the sudden blinding rage that surged through him, Sasuke said, "I...I was playing. I don't know where I am."

The man blinked, then nodded. "You're lost, huh?"

"And hungry," Sasuke whispered.

The man patted his vest before frowning. "I don't have anything on me..." He thought for a second. "Why don't you come with me? My shift's over and I've got a key. I'm sure Lord Third won't mind if we get you a quick snack and then get you home."

Sasuke forced his eyes to widen. "L-Lord Third?"

The man smiled slightly. "Kid-" Sasuke grit his teeth, "-I don't know how you couldn't figure it out...but you're in the Hokage's backyard."

Sasuke made a big show of back-tracking. "E-Eh?!"

The man chuckled. "Come on, let's get you inside and give you something to eat."

The walk there was silent. When they got to the back door, the man pulled a key out of his pocket and started fiddling with the lock. "Come on..." When the door finally opened, the man let out a small sound of victory. "Good, now why don't you-"

Before the Chuunin could turn around and get a good look at him, Sasuke tackled him, covering his eyes.

The man gasped. "HEY-"

His mouth was suddenly covered with some cloth and, within a few seconds, he was unconscious.

Sasuke dragged the Chuunin inside and shut the door, locking it. He glanced around.

This...was another storage room. A slightly larger one, and it was connected to the actual compound, but it was still a storage room. Sasuke decided to take it as a blessing instead of a curse. He scoured the room and managed to find some rope. Using the pocket knife he had in his pack, Sasuke cut them into smaller pieces and tied the Chuunin to the chair, purposely keeping his hands apart so that he couldn't perform any jutsu. He put a gag in his mouth and placed him in a position so that anyone opening the door and glancing around wouldn't see him.

Sasuke sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall. Then he smiled. The smile turned into a grin, which turned into a chuckle, which turned into a full-blown laugh. He was quiet, of course. No need to alert anyone of his presence.

When Sasuke was done, he leaned his head against the wall. "Heh," he muttered. "Chloroform. A classic. Can't believe he actually fell for it." There was more silence, before, "It's been so long...a year, I think. I've forgotten how fun it is."

He stood up, re-energized and ready for more. "My first major job in a year. Let's do this."

He walked towards the other door, which presumably leads into the house. When he pulled on the doorknob, though, it wouldn't budge.

"I knew it," Sasuke muttered. It was locked. Of course it was locked, it leads into the house. Sasuke turned to the unconscious Chuunin. "Maybe..."

After searching him, Sasuke came back empty handed. It made sense, though. Why on Earth would you give someone, even your guards, a key to the main part of your house? It was probably to protect the Hokage. Shaking his head, Sasuke went back to the door.

After about three minutes of intense staring, Sasuke noticed something. He then proceeded to bash his head against the wall. (Again, quietly)

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..." Sasuke muttered. There was a window above the door. Sighing, Sasuke turned back to it.

Picking up his bag, Sasuke turned to the wall. He held his breath. He hadn't done this in, well, over a year.

He carefully placed a foot on the wall. It stayed. He then placed another. When he stayed in his horizontal position without crashing to the floor, Sasuke smirked. He had done it. He continued up the wall to the window. It was closed, but not locked. Sasuke's smirk widened.

It was just large enough for him to climb through. He was about to do so, but he paused. He glanced back down to the floor. The keys to this room seemed to gleam in the stark-white light.

One minute later, the keys were safely tucked in Sasuke's bag, the lights in the storage room were off, the window closed, and Sasuke was inside the Hokage's house.

There was a surprisingly small amount of guards inside the compound. Every now and then while Sasuke walked through the dark hallways, he would hear footsteps or some muttering. Sasuke would immediately book it up to the ceiling and watch as the sleep-deprived Chuunins did their best at guarding their leader.

Eventually, Sasuke made it to where he was supposed to be. The Sarutobi Clan Library. It wasn't as large as the Uchiha's, but it held a lot of top secret information.

Ah, the perks of your Clan Head also being the Hokage.

He was about to open the door when he paused. This was way too easy...

Sasuke put a small pulse of chakra, not enough for any detection, into the door.

The thing about Uchiha chakra is that it's very connected with the element of fire, which makes it unusually bright (and flammable. Don't ask how he knew). The concentrated energy of seals tended to collide with Uchiha chakra, causing it to burn brightly with a small amount of it...or explode if there is too much. Uchiha naturally have large chakra reserves which makes it hard for using the small amount of chakra necessary for them to handle seals. That's why there has never been an Uchiha seal master.

Sasuke, however, was a young boy. His chakra reserves were yet to fully develop and, as a result, it wasn't that hard for him to channel a small amount of chakra.

As he had expected, the door lit up. Intricate seals looped over the whole thing and Sasuke was slightly taken aback. Sure, this room was important, but this was a bit much.

He had about five minutes before the seals cooled down, so he needed to analyze them and figure out how to get around them.

It wasn't explosive, that's for sure. It had the kanji for water on it, which has no place in an explosion seal. However, he did find the kanji for blood, so that was foreboding.

The image was beginning to fade. Sasuke's breath started to pick up. His eyes swept over the seals once again, picking up all the kanji.

 _Sarutobi, blood, sound, large..._

Sasuke's eyes widened. The kanji for water was just there to keep it from over-heating. The real instructions were that it needed the blood of a Sarutobi to open, and if it didn't get it, it would make a large _(probably meant loud)_ sound.

The last of the seal faded away and Sasuke heard footsteps. He immediately ran up the wall and into the ceiling. When he looked down, though, he saw a familiar face.

"Sanoma?"

Sanoma blinked and looked up. "Uchiha brat? What are you doing here?"

"Ah, you know, just chilling on the ceiling."

"Really?"

"Of course not you idiot! I'm doing a job!"

"Stealing from the Hokage's library? Kami, Uchiha brat, how much are you getting paid?"

Depression lines crashed down over Sasuke's face. "That's the thing," he said morosely. "I'm not."

"...ah, Uzumaki and Haruno brats had you do it, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll leave you to it."

Sasuke was immediately suspicious. Sanoma was an acquaintance from the Kuro ie, so Sasuke figured that he would negotiate with him. Maybe give him some money or a favor...but getting off free was not what he was expecting.

"You're not going to ask for anything?"

Sanoma glanced up. "Now, Uchiha brat, why on Earth would I do that?"

Sasuke's eyes stayed narrowed, but he nodded. "Thank you."

Sanoma nodded and walked away. Sasuke was left alone.

 _Now, how do I open this door?_

Another five minutes were spent racking his brain (and walking across the floor, up the walls, across the ceiling, down the wall, and repeat, which was actually quite fun) until Sasuke remembered something. It was an old memory, buried deep in his mind. Sasuke couldn't even remember who told it to him.

 _Recent studies show that the so-called "blood seals" can actually be deactivated with_ _ **any**_ _of the user's DNA._

The meaning had flown over his head when he was young, but now he understood.

 _If you have even a sample of someone's flaked-off skin, you can open their blood seal._

But surely the Hokage had updated the seal.

 _Maybe not._

That's how we find Sasuke crawling around the wooden floors, desperately trying to find a piece of Sarutobi hair.

When he did, he smiled. "Finally!"

He placed the small piece of hair in the middle of where the seals had been and, low and behold, the door swung open. Grinning, Sasuke walked in.

The library was huge. Not as huge as the Uchiha's, but there was definitely more sensitive information in here. After scouring the shelves, he found what he was looking for.

 _The Scroll of Seals._

Sasuke's grin widened. He made his way back to the storage room. The Chuunin was still unconscious. Sasuke was about to leave, but he paused. He glanced back at the Chuunin.

There was really no point in leaving him like that...and what if he could recognize Sasuke's smell or voice?

Three minutes later, Sasuke was in the clearing that Sakura, Naruto, and he agreed to meet in. As for the Chuunin? Well...

 _(Sasuke stood on the banks of a river, a jar in his hands. He took the lid off of it and emptied the contents, a fine dust, into the running water. He then rinsed out the jar. "I'll probably sterilize it when I go home," he muttered. "No need for anyone to find some of the Chuunin's DNA.")_

In the clearing, he found Naruto and Suyo burying a dead body and Sakura clutching her stomach, muttering something about throwing up.

"Now, Sakura," Sasuke said wryly, "you haven't gone soft on us now, have you?"

"Shut up!" Sakura hissed. "It's a long story!"

"Really?" Sasuke asked with a raised eyebrow. "Do tell."

"Well..."

* * *

 _Sakura Haruno opened the gates to her house. Along the straight path to her front door servants were lined up, bowing._

 _"Welcome home, Lady Sakura!"_

 _Sakura nodded and walked down the pathway. When she entered inside, the first thing she noticed was the blood on the walls. Sighing, she called out, "Mother?"_

 _"Yes Sakura, dear-AH!"_

 _Mebuki Haruno jumped back, startled, when she noticed the blood. "What on Earth-"_

 _"Goryu probably offed someone without my permission again," Sakura said. "Honestly, when will he learn?"_

 _"I don't care who did it!" Mebuki yelled. "I just want it gone and for it to never happen again! Do you not realize how scary it is?!"_

 _"I'm sorry, Mother," Sakura said. She turned and yelled, "GORYU!"_

 _A tall bald man with a bulky build ran in. "Y-Yes Lady Sakura?"_

 _"Did you do this?"_

 _"Y-Yes."_

 _"You know my rules."_

 _"I know. 'If you kill someone, you clean up the mess.'"_

 _"Then why didn't you?"_

 _"...I don't know."_

 _Sakura sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Whatever. If you do this again, I'm putting you on home duty, you got that?"_

 _"Y-Yes Lady Sakura!"_

 _"Good. Now, for the rest of the day, you need to listen to whatever my mother says, got that?"_

 _"Yes!"_

 _"Okay. I'll be back in five minutes."_

 _While Sakura walked away, she heard her mother yell, "I WANT THIS PLACE SPOTLESS BY THE TIME MY DAUGHTER COMES BACK! AND NEXT TIME, DO IT_ _ **OUTSIDE!**_ _I swear, I'm going to die of a heart attack one of these days..."_

 _"Y-Yes, Honorable Mother!"_

 _Sakura grinned. It was fun when she wasn't the one her mother was yelling at._

 _By the time Sakura had taken her shower and come back, the room was clean. Sakura was honestly impressed._

 _When she walked into the kitchen, though, she was anything but impressed. (She ended up gagging. A lot)_

 _"Look, dear!" Sakura's mother exclaimed. "I've made your meal!"_

 _"...what happened to the cook?"_

 _"Don't know, he didn't show up. However, I have this sinking feeling in my gut that Goryu killed him."_

 _"Well, Goryu never did like Himoto."_

 _Mebuki nodded. "Now, eat up!"_

 _"Er...I'm fine!"_

 _Sakura's stomach chose that moment to growl in hunger._

 _"Sakura, you're hungry! Eat!"_

 _Sakura sighed. She sat down on her table and choked down the food that her mother put out for her._

 _"M-Mother," Sakura managed, "w-what was that?"_

 _"Your grandmother's signature dish!" Mebuki exclaimed. "Rice and cricket pudding!"_

 _Mebuki smiled. The smile turned into a frown when she saw that her daughter had suddenly disappeared. On the table was a note._

 _ **Need to meet up with Sasuke and Naruto. Please don't ever make that again.**_

 _ **-Sakura**_

 _"...huh."_

* * *

"Huh."

"Yeah, I'm trying my best not to throw up."

"I see." Sasuke turned to Suyo and Naruto. "What about you two?"

Naruto, who patting the dirt down flat so that it was level with the rest of the forest floor, said, "Well..."

* * *

 _"Okay," Naruto muttered, book in his hands, "let's do this." He was about to open it when there was a knock at his door. Naruto frowned. He wasn't expecting anyone._

 _Another knock followed. Then another. And then another. Then there was a large thud._

 _He carefully made his way to the door, a kunai held behind his back. "Who is it?"_

 _"It's Suyo."_

 _Naruto let out a breath of relief. Suyo was one of Sakura's men. He opened the door and found that Suyo was, indeed, there. Thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, though, was someone Naruto did not recognize. Naruto tensed. Had Suyo accidentally offed someone and come to him for help? Again? Naruto wasn't getting tangled in_ _ **that**_ _hot a second time, thank you very much._

 _"...who's that?"_

 _"Judging from the insignia on his back," Suyo said, "he works for the Himura family."_

 _"Oh," Naruto said, suddenly relaxed. "Was he going to break down my door?"_

 _"Yep."_

 _"Thanks for intercepting him. Geez, looks like he's bleeding pretty heavily."_

 _"Yep."_

 _"I've got some bleach and duct tape. We can wrap him up, and you already know the way to the forest."_

 _"Yep."_

 _"You going to say anything more than one syllable?"_

 _"Nope."_

 _"I see."_

 _"...is there a reason he was after you?"_

 _"So it speaks!" Suyo just stared at him, and Naruto sighed. "I owe the Himura family around...6,000 Ryo, I think."_

 _"...you have more than enough money to pay it back."_

 _"I know," Naruto said sheepishly, "I, uh, forgot that I owed them until now."_

 _"...you idiot."_

 _"Hey!"_

* * *

Sasuke's eye twitched. He then sighed. "Whatever. I got the Scroll of Seals."

"How many people'd you have to kill to do that?"

"One."

"Hm, that's pretty low."

"I know."

There was a short silence. Then, Suyo said, "I've got to go. The other men demanded I come home and stop the Honorable Mother from cooking."

Sakura nodded. "Suyo, you have my blessings."

"Thank you, Lady Sakura." And Suyo was gone.

"I never did figure out how he does that," Naruto muttered. He shook his head. "Nevermind. Now, Sasuke, Sakura, let's learn some awesome jutsu!"

Sasuke nodded and tossed Naruto the giant scroll.

"Let's see...Impure World: Reincarnation, Death Style: Explosion Technique, Death Style: Suicide Technique...AHA! Shadow Clone Jutsu! Judging from the chakra cost, I should be able to do this easily."

"What about us?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, Sasuke has a decent chakra pool, so he might be able to make one or two...Sakura, I don't think you can make one at all."

"It's okay. I think I'll try Impure World: Reincarnation. How much is the chakra cost?"

"Surprisingly, not that much. However, you do need a human sacrifice and a piece of who you want to reincarnate's DNA..."

"That's not a problem," Sakura said, waving her hand dismissively. "However, since you two get the Shadow Clones, you can't learn Impure World: Reincarnation."

"Deal."

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura grinned. "Well then, let's start learning before someone finds us."

* * *

 _"NARUTOOOOO!"_ Iruka roared. When got to the clearing where he suspected Naruto was, though, he paused. "Sasuke? Sakura?" He suddenly scowled. "Don't tell me you two were also in on it."

"In on what?" Naruto asked, confused. Sasuke tilted his head in confusion (which was quite adorable) and Sakura raised an eyebrow.

"You-You stole the Scroll of Seals!"

"What are you talking about? Mizuki-sensei said I could graduate if I got it!"

"Wha-DUCK!"

"Ooh, where?! I love ducks!"

Sakura tackled Sasuke to the ground, glaring at him. Sasuke shrugged. "What? I like ducks!"

Iruka dragged Naruto to the ground. Just in time, too. A giant shuriken flew over their heads.

Mizuki appeared. He grinned viciously and said, "So, you've figured me ou-Wait, what are you two doing here?" He pointed at Sasuke and Sakura.

Sakura shrugged. "You know, the usual. Trying not the throw-up, keeping Sasuke from being stupid, and encouraging Naruto to be stupid."

"And what does that say about you?" Sasuke muttered.

"That I'm awesome."

"Yeah ri-"

"Shut up!" Mizuki snapped. "Get out of here unless you want to die!"

Sasuke blinked. "I'm not the suicidal type, but I'll stick with Naruto."

"Same here," Sakura said.

Mizuki smirked. "Okay, but I wonder how long you'll stick around after you hear Naruto's little _secret."_

"Italics," Naruto and Sakura muttered. Sasuke ignored them.

"What secret?"

Iruka's eyes widened in horror. "Mizuki, no! It's forbidden!"

Mizuki's smirk grew wider. "On October 10th twelve years ago, the Fourth Hokage never killed the Kyuubi, he sealed it into a person-"

"MIZUKI, STOP!"

"-that person...was Naruto Uzumaki! NARUTO UZUMAKI IS THE VERY DEMON THAT DESTROYED THE VILLAGE TWELVE YEARS AGO!"

There was a short silence. Then, Sakura said, "Oh, is that all? Yeah, we already know that. So does pretty much everyone else, so, you know, it's not that much of a secret..."

Sasuke and Naruto nodded along. Iruka gaped. "W-What?! Who told you?! It's forbidden to speak of!"

"Er..."

* * *

 _A four-year-old Naruto blinked, shocked. "Eh?"_

 _"Y-Yeah," the man he was sitting across from said. "The Fourth Hokage sealed the Kyuubi no Kitsune inside of you."_

 _"Huh," Sasuke muttered, standing behind him. "That kind of makes sense. Naruto's got the fox whiskers and was born on the day and stuff..."_

 _"I guess it checks out," Sakura said. "Suyo, you take the kunai away from his neck now."_

 _Suyo nodded. Sakura leaned forward, a sickeningly sweet smile on her face. "The next time you need to tell any of us something, threatening is not the way to do it. Suyo can be quite clumsy at times, you know?"_

 _"Y-Yes...sorry kids."_

 _Sasuke's eyes flashed. Five minutes later, Naruto sighed._

 _"Sasuke, did you have to dismember him on_ _ **my**_ _carpet? Do you have any idea how long it will take to clean this up?!"_

 _"I make no apologies."_

* * *

"It was just a rumor we heard," Sakura finished.

"I was kind of expecting him to 'reveal' a bigger secret. For example, Naruto being the son of the Fourth Hokage. Now _that_ would have been a great reveal!" Sasuke said, nodding.

"W-What?" Iruka and Mizuki synced.

Naruto blinked. "Uh, Sasuke? That's, like, an S-class secret."

"...oh. Oops."

"Y-You're really the Fourth's son?" Iruka asked. Naruto nodded.

"Yep...and I just realized that Mizuki-sensei tricked me, so I'm ready to kick his butt."

Ten minutes, exactly a thousand and one Shadow Clones, and a surprisingly intimidating smirk later, Mizuki was on the ground.

Iruka watched on, shocked.

Mizuki coughed up blood. "You little babies have to do more than that to ki-"

 _"FIRE STYLE: GREAT FIREBALL JUTSU!"_

And so Mizuki died via fireball from an enraged Sasuke.

 _"No one calls me a baby,"_ Sasuke hissed.

There was a silence before, "Italics."

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

ANBU were crawling around the scene. That ended up including Itachi Uchiha.

Sasuke winced. His brother was livid.

 _"Little Brother,"_ Itachi hissed behind his crow mask, _"what on Earth were you doing here?"_

"Well...Naruto said that Mizuki gave him another test to become Genin, and I wanted to support him."

"And you didn't think there was anything fishy about stealing the _goddamn Scroll of Seals?!"_ Sasuke winced once again.

"I _did_ say that I was doing something idiotic."

Itachi sighed, shaking his head. "You also said you wouldn't get in trouble."

"And I'm not."

"What makes you so sure about that?"

"I'm the second son of the Uchiha Clan Head. As far as most people are concerned, I'm the victim of a traitor."

"...while that's true, it's hardly ethical."

"Well, saying I'm morally skewed would be like saying Hashirama Senju was a good Shinobi: Technically true, but putting it way too mildly."

"I don't even want to know."

* * *

Naruto ended up getting promoted to Genin ("YESYESYESYESYESYESYES-" "Shut the hell up.") and everything was fine...until Sasuke got home.

Mikoto was waiting, furious, at the front door.

 _"So, Sasuke dear,"_ Mikoto said, her voice sugary sweet, _"how was your_ _ **sleepover**_ _?"_

"It was pretty good...got a little boring in the middle, though."

 _"Get inside."_

"Yes Mother."

Sasuke suddenly understood what Naruto and Sakura were saying about italics. The scolding he received made him well-versed with them.

And that wasn't even the worst part.

* * *

Sasuke was in his room, panting slightly. "Kami, that was horrifying."

Itachi nodded, sorting out Sasuke's bag (he didn't even question the kunai, shuriken, and various other weapons). "I don't think I've ever seen Mother that mad at _anyone."_

"Italics," Sasuke said.

Itachi blinked. "What?"

Sasuke ignored him and started pacing around his room. "So," he muttered, "do you think they'll still be mad in the morning?"

"Definitely," Itachi said. Then he paused. The room temperature seemed to drop a dozen degrees.

 _"Sasuke,"_ Itachi said, his voice frigid, _"why does this jar smell of human ashes?"_

Sasuke froze. _Oh no._

 _"Well?"_

"..."

"I didn't want to bring this up," Itachi said quietly, "but where do you go when you leave the house at night?" His eyes widened. "A-And that night when you came home drenched in blood! I had meant to confront you the next morning but I was sent away on a mission! Sasuke, what's going on?"

Sasuke turned away from his brother. "It's quite a tale-"

"Sasuke."

"-that I will not be telling you-"

"Sasuke."

"-but what I _will_ tell you-"

"Sasuke."

"-is something you're not going to like-"

 _"Sasuke."_

"Italics. Now...have you heard of the _Kuro ie?"_

A look of pure horror crossed Itachi's face.

 _Welp,_ Sasuke thought, _this is going to be fun._

It wasn't.

 **\- End of Chapter One -**

* * *

 **And chapter one is complete! Now, I'm going to be heading to my grandmother's house in a few days, and I will be traveling after that, so I might not get to post as often. If I don't post anything for the rest of this month or July...I'll definitely start again in August, so don't worry! (Just don't expect a post on, like, August 1st)**

 **Remember to Follow, Favorite, and Review! Especially Review. They're always appreciated! Please point out any spelling or grammatical errors or just express any concerns you have. I'll be sure to address them!**

 **Anyway, I'll address the Reviews I've gotten so far now:**

 **Uzumaki no Rinne-Sennin , tiffanycr, and Claudia Alexandria Zoldic: I'm really happy that you all liked my fic so much! It really means a lot to me! I hope that I live (er... _write_ ) up to your expectations!**

 **scribblequote : I continued writing it! I like Team 7 fics, too (that was the whole reason I made this), and I'm glad that you see as much potential in this story as I do!**

 **unifrog1331 : There was a huge (internal) debate, but I decided to skip their Academy days. I wanted to keep with the original story's timeline so it could be my guide. However, I will explore their Adacemy days in later chapters. I have yet to write out Itachi's reaction to Sasuke...but I want to make it hilarious. As for Shisui...I something interesting in mind. I don't how many chapters until it comes into play, but I guarantee that it will be awesome!**

 **AkabaneKazama** **: I was originally going to make Kakashi normal, but you just gave me an idea! I'll be introducing him in the next chapter (along with Konohamaru) and I hope you like what I've done with him!**

 **And to the Guests that Reviewed, I'm sorry that I can't answer. It would probably be confusing since there were three of you. I'd have to put in the full quote or something...but rest assured that I _did_ read your Reviews! **

**I'll try to answer all the Reviews I get (which should be easy since I'm not that popular and not a lot of people like to Review), but if I don't, know that I like to read every Review.**

 **(Number of times the word "Review" was said in this Author's Note [including this time]: 9)**

 **Anyway, I think that's it for now. Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	3. How to Introduce Characters!

_In the last chapter, Naruto failed his Genin Exam. Mizuki confronted him about stealing the Scroll of Seals. Naruto and Sakura convinced Sasuke (more like forced him) to steal the scroll. When everything is over, Itachi questions Sasuke as to why his jar smells of human ashes. What is in store next for our three protagonists?_

 **Chapter Two: How to Introduce Characters!**

"Sasuke, what is your connection to the _Kuro ie?"_ Itachi asked worriedly. "Did someone threaten you? I promise it'll all be okay, just tell me!"

"Er...no one threatened me."

"Really?" Itachi asked.

"Really. However...I am a part of the _Kuro ie."_

Itachi blanched. "What?!"

"Yeah...you see, I may or may not be a professional thief, and part-time assassin, in the _Kuro ie."_

"Professional thief and part-time assassin?" Itachi asked blankly.

"Yep."

"I...Sasuke, who are you?"

"I'm Sasuke Uchiha," Sasuke said.

"No, what do people call you?"

"In the _Kuro ie?"_

"Yes."

Sasuke was silent.

"Sasuke."

"People who know me call me the Uchiha brat, but for jobs...I'm called the _Chisana Shinigami."_

"YOU'RE THE _CHISANA SHINIGAMI?!"_

"Y-Yes," Sasuke said, wincing.

"Sasuke Uchiha," Itachi hissed, "you have admitted to the stealing of countless precious objects and the murders of two civilians, one noble, and three loyal shinobi." He raised the jar in his hand. "Of course, that doesn't include whoever you _burned to death."_

"I didn't burn him to death," Sasuke muttered. "I knocked him out, slit his throat, and burned his _corpse."_

"That isn't much better!"

"Well, excuse me for just doing my job!"

"YOU'RE 'JOB' IS STEALING FROM AND MURDERING PEOPLE!"

"SO IS YOURS!" Sasuke retorted.

"What I do is authorized by the Village!"

"You act like that makes sense! Is killing and stealing suddenly okay because a small group of people allowed you to do it?"

"Of course not!" Itachi snapped. "However, as an ANBU of the Hidden Lead Village, I need to turn you in."

"Itachi!" Sasuke yelled. "Are you really going to throw me in jail?!"

"I..." Itachi should turn Sasuke in. Sasuke was a criminal. Sasuke has killed people!

But then again, so had Itachi.

"Do you plan to continue your...job?"

"Yes," Sasuke said with zero hesitation. "I do."

"Sasuke..." Itachi whispered. "I...I support you."

Sasuke suddenly put on a blinding, Naruto-ish grin. "You won't regret it!"

"I _better_ not."

_

"What are you doing here? This is for graduates only!"

Naruto, who had just walked in, said, "Are you blind, Kiba? Do you not see my forehead protector?"

Kiba growled. "Knowing you, you probably stole it off of somebody!"

"Nah, that's more Sasuke's thing."

"Maybe you had him do it for you?"

"While that seems like something I might do, I wasn't that desperate."

"You-"

"Kiba," Sakura said, interrupting them, "I assure you that Naruto is, indeed, a Genin now. So can you stop shouting?"

"S-Sorry, Sakura," Naruto and Kiba stammered.

Sakura took her sunglasses off of her eyes and put them on her head. "Apology accepted. Now, come on Naruto. Sasuke said he had big news."

Naruto blinked. "Okay."

When they walked over to Sasuke, he was cramming food into his mouth.

They turned to Choji, who was sitting next to him, and gave him a questioning look. Choji shrugged. "He asked for food and I gave some to him."

Naruto and Sakura turned their gaze back to Sasuke, who paused. "What? I stress eat!"

"No you don't."

"Well, I do now."

"Just tell us what happened."

"...Itachi knows."

Naruto choked. "When?!"

"Last night. I managed to convince him not to report me."

"Oh," Sakura said, sighing in relief. "I thought that I'd have to off him."

"No offense, Sakura, but you realize that my brother's an ANBU, right? Your average goon can't kill him."

Sakura smirked. "Who said that all my underlings are your average goons?"

"You know what, I don't even want to know."

Later, the three of them were placed on the same team ("Yesyesyesyesyesyes-" "Shut the hell up.") and all was well.

Until they had to wait three hours for their sensei.

_

Kakashi Hatake was late (nothing out of the ordinary). This time, however, Kakashi Hatake has an actual excuse (not that he would use it).

You see, Kakashi Hatake was walking by one of his cute little student's house (er...apartment) when he smelled it. It was a faint scent that was almost completely overshadowed by bleach. _Blood._

(As for why he just happened to be on the third floor of Naruto's apartment building...he honestly didn't know)

At that moment, Kakashi Hatake has every right to be horrified. Instead, though, Kakashi just raised his one visible eyebrow.

"Huh," he said. "Would you look at that?"

Kakashi long ago admitted to himself that he wasn't right in the head. However, now that Kakashi was faced with the fact that his beloved sensei's son was quite possibly a murderer and he just chuckled, Kakashi wondered if he should finally go see a therapist.

 _Nah._

"This is going to be fun."

_

Kakashi couldn't help but feel a little disappointed when he walked into the classroom only to have an eraser hit him on the head. Seriously, did they have no imagination? He had expected more.

Then a barrage of deadly sharp pencils were launched at him (he wasn't a Jonin for nothing, though, so he dodged them).

Finally a voice said, "Icha Icha, huh? I never did figure out what this book was about..."

Kakashi blinked, then hurriedly felt his pouch. His book was gone. When he looked up, he saw it in the hands of a boy with black hair and the Uchiha crest.

An _underage_ boy.

Quick as lightning, Kakashi snatched the book out of the twelve-year-old's hands. It was too late, though, as the boy had already opened the book and read half of a page.

Sasuke's face was bright red. "E-Eh?! Why the hell would Itachi have the whole series?!" He frowned. "Though that _would_ explain why it was hidden under his floorboards..."

All the other people in the room blinked. _Huh. Itachi Uchiha is a closet pervert, who knew?_

"Whelp," Kakashi said, "my first impression of you is...that you're interesting. In a good way. Meet me on the roof."

_

"I still think that the pencils were a bit much," Naruto said while they walked to the roof.

"The eraser was too tame!" Sakura protested. "You have to leave a strong first impression!"

"Yeah, but you literally tried to _kill our sensei!"_

"Nonsense! He's a Jonin! Besides, it worked, didn't it? He said we were interesting in a good way!"

"I'm pretty sure," Sasuke said, breaking in, "that that was because of me."

"Yeah, Sasuke, we need to talk about that. Why on Earth did you think stealing from a Jonin was a good idea?!"

"Why on Earth would you think stealing the Scroll of Seals would be a good idea?" Sasuke retorted.

"...touché."

_

"Why don't you introduce yourselves?" Kakashi said. Naruto opened his mouth to go first when Kakashi interrupted him. "Aren't you going to ask who I am?"

Sakura frowned. "Why would we do that, Kakashi Hatake? I mean, who would need to know that you're the son of the late White Fang or that you have a Sharingan which you have used to copy over a thousand jutsu?"

"Yes," Naruto agreed. "Why would we care that you're the student of the Fourth Hokage and that you're always at least three hours late to everything? Or how you are terrified of chickens?"

"Or," Sasuke continued, "How you're best friend is Might Gai? How you're a confirmed pervert and avid follower of the Icha Icha series? How you can't sing to save your life?"

Kakashi blinked. "Huh. I was right, you three are going to be fun. I would make you all Genin right now if I could."

Sasuke frowned. "Ugh. Do we have to do the Genin Test?"

"Sadly, it's required. Show up at Training Ground Seven tomorrow. There's more information in these pamphlets." Kakashi tossed the papers to them and was about to leave when he paused. He turned back to Naruto and said, "By the way, I'm not scared of chickens."

Naruto smirked. "Maybe not now, but trust me, you will be."

...well, that wasn't ominous or anything.

Only later would Kakashi realize that they hadn't introduced themselves.

"Great, now I have to read their files!"

_

"Sasuke, where do you think you're going?"

Sasuke paused, pack slung across his back. "I'm going to the _Kuro ie,_ duh. I thought that we already established this?"

"No, you're not. I don't care if you're the _Chisana Shinigami,_ you're getting some rest for your Genin Test tomorrow," Itachi said.

Sasuke frowned. Then, a mischievous smile grin made its way onto Sasuke's face. "Of course, Big Brother. Let me just tell Mother about the Icha Icha under your floorboards real quick and I'll get right to it!"

Itachi froze. The Icha Icha! Sasuke found them! He had bought them three years prior, because curiosity, and had kept them, because hormones. Itachi Uchiha did not consider himself a pervert, despite enjoying the perverted series. He didn't want anyone else to think he was a pervert, either, so he stashed them underneath his floor.

If Sasuke told Mother, though...let's just say that the consequences for him would be much worse than for Sasuke if Mikoto ever found out about the whole "professional thief and assassin" thing.

"...fine. However," Itachi said, "I want you to take me with you."

Sasuke blinked. "Uh, okay? You might want to _Henge,_ though. You'd be surprised how many people work in the _Kuro ie._ Some of them might see you and jump to conclusions."

Itachi decided to trust Sasuke's judgement.

_

"Hey Kirasa!" Sasuke said brightly. "Admission for two!"

"Sure Uchiha brat," the guard, Kirasa, said. He glanced at Itachi, who was currently under a Henge. "Who's the newbie?"

"Someone who was interested. You can call him Ikaso."

"Well Ikaso," Kirasa said, "I think that you'll be relieved to know that very few people, excluding me, can see through your _Henge._ Everyone will know you have one up, though. Be careful, 'kay? Some might take it as an insult."

Itachi blinked. "Okay?"

"Good," Kirasa said. "Now," he gave Itachi a wolffish grin, "hope you enjoy the _Kuro ie, 'Ikaso'."_

With that, Kirasa opened the door and Itachi entered the Village underworld.

_

"Bluff," Naruto said calmly. The thirty-ish-year-old man sitting across from him slumped in defeat. The way it was looking, Naruto would win. And he did.

"Heh," Naruto grinned as he took the winnings. He would only be keeping 75%, though, as the rest was going to his client.

It may seem odd that someone would pay him to gamble for them, but in this case his employer was just trying to get the other man broke. It was a nice way to ruin someone's life without leaving too many traces.

That's when something caught his eye. Naruto's smirk turned into a grin.

"Sasuke! Over here!"

When Sasuke noticed him, he walked over. "Hey Naruto! Wait, I've got something for you..." Sasuke looked through his pack. "Aha! Here you go!"

Naruto blinked at what Sasuke had put in his hands. "Sasuke, this is a deck of cards. I have over fifty of these. They aren't even the _fancy_ kind!"

"I know," Sasuke said. "I snagged them off of Kanamoto, though."

Naruto choked. "Sasuke, eventually Kanamoto's going to make the connection that the random kid he keeps bumping into is the reason he keeps losing things."

"Maybe," Sasuke said, "but until he does, I'm going to make the most of his stupidity."

Naruto snorted. "Whatever you say." He started to shuffle through his new deck of cards. Then, without even looking up, Naruto said, "So, Sasuke, who's your friend under a _Henge?"_

Sasuke sighed. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

"Everyone noticed," Naruto said. "So, who is he? Your new protégé?"

"No," the person who was following Sasuke said, "I'm his brother."

Naruto paused and looked up. "Itachi?"

Itachi nodded.

Naruto shook his head. "If someone realizes who you are, you're doomed."

"I am well aware."

"And here I thought I could introduce my protégé to your's, Sasuke."

Sasuke squinted. "You have a protégé?"

"Yeah, didn't I tell you? Hey, Kono, where'd you go?"

A young voice yelled, "Coming, Sensei!"

When the boy came into view, Itachi's eyes widened. "I-Isn't that Lord Third's grandson?"

"Yep," Naruto agreed. "He's also my student, right Kono?"

"Yes, Sensei!" Konohamaru Sarutobi exclaimed brightly.

"How the hell did you get the Hokage's grandson as your student?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, you see..."

_

 _"...wow," Hiruzen Sarutobi said, eyeing Naruto's Ninja Registry Picture. "This is surprisingly normal."_

 _Naruto raised and eyebrow. "Surprisingly?"_

 _Lord Third shrugged. "I was low-key expecting you to turn up with a picture of you in, I don't know, kabuki war paint."_

 _(In another Universe, the Nanadaime, who was currently getting yelled at by the Third's grandson, sneezed.) **[1]**_

 _"That does seem like something I would do," Naruto conceded. "However, I figured that this was something important that I didn't want to screw up."_

 _The Hokage sighed. "Well," he muttered, "at least he has more common sense than his mother." He never figured out why Kushina had insisted to get her picture done in an uncomfortable-looking (though admittedly beautiful) kimono and full face of make-up._

 _"What was that?"_

 _"Nothing."_

 _Naruto raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. He didn't say anything when a small boy suddenly ran in, exclaiming that today would be the day he defeated the Hokage, or when the Hokage sighed in exasperation, or even when the boy fell flat on his face._

 _By then the little brat had the **audacity** to blame him._

 _"Listen here brat, I don't care how hard you tripped, but don't go blaming me! You tripped over your scarf, so maybe throw it away."_

 _"I'm not stupid enough to trip over my own scarf! You must have set up a trap or something!"_

 _Eye twitching, Naruto walked up to him and grabbed his scarf. "How many times do I have to tell you-"_

 _Someone suddenly ran into the room. The person shouted, "LET GO OF THE HONORABLE- wait, Naruto?"_

 _Naruto blinked in surprise, dropping the boy in his arms. "Ebisu?" Naruto grinned. "It's been a while! How have you been?"_

 _"Pretty good, actually," Ebisu said. "But you do realize that you just threatened the Hokage's grandson, right?"_

 _"Of course I do! What does that have to do with anything? He blamed me for something that wasn't my fault! It doesn't matter whose grandkid he is, he's going down!"_

 _From the ground, Konohamaru looked up in awe._

 _Hiruzen cleared his throat_ _. "You two know each other?"_

 _"Yeah," Ebisu said, "we met at a...restaurant three years back and been bumping into each other every now and then since."_

 _Naruto snorted. They actually met in the **Kuro ie,** working on different sides of the poker table for two different clients. Naruto won and Ebisu had been intrigued. They had a drink together (Ebisu got sake and Naruto got orange juice). Naruto has to drag a drunk Ebisu home. They ended up meeting a few more times the exact same way._

 _Eventually, they started meeting in their own terms and became pretty close. They hadn't seen each other much since the Hokage gave Ebisu his new assignment. Five months, that's how long it had been. Nearly half a year._

 _The Hokage nodded. "Well, I'm glad you're being Naruto's friend." The 'and if you screw it up I'll make your life a living hell' was, while not mentioned_ _, very much implied. Even Konohamaru winced._

 _"Now," The Hokage said cheerfully, "please don't hit my grandson, Naruto. Knowing you, you'll unintentionally give him brain damage."_

 _"Only because you asked nicely!" Naruto crouched down so that he was at Konohamaru's level. He grabbed his chin and stared into the Honorable Grandson's eyes._

 _Finally, Naruto said, "He's got skills, guts, and a good heart. He's perfect." Naruto grinned. "Well, kid? How'd you like to be my protégé?"_

 _The Hokage raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything._

 _"I'd love to!" Konohamaru yelled, stars in his eyes._

 _Ebisu smiled, too. "Looks like Konohamaru's got a good teacher!"_

 _The Hokage's other eyebrow went up in surprise. This was the first time he heard Ebisu refer to the boy by his name, after all. He cleared his throat._

 _"While this is nice and all, I still have other Genin to see to. Now, it would really help if you could all **GET OUT**."_

 _His diplomatic smile never moved an inch._

 _"R-Right," Naruto, Ebisu, and Konohamaru synced, sweat-dropping._

_

"...and that's how I got a student and met Ebisu again!"

"About that," Sasuke said, "where is Ebisu, anyway?"

"I'm pretty sure he's getting drunk at the bar."

"I could use a drink," Sasuke muttered. "Want to come with?"

Itachi's eyes widened in alarm. "You're drinking?!"

"Yep," Naruto said happily. "This place has the best orange juice!" He made a face. "Sasuke always gets the milk for some reason, though."

"Hey, it's good for your bones!"

Itachi's eye twitched.

_

"Mom, what are you doing?"

"Cooking, dear," Mebuki Haruno hummed.

"...what happened to our new chef?" Sakura asked slowly.

"He ran off screaming something about us being insane when Kanae dragged in one of the Tajimoto family's henchmen." She shook her head. "I almost followed him. He got blood all over the carpet! Do you have any idea how much of our budget goes into cleaning up messes? _Three and a half percent!"_

"First of all, Goryu! Take care of the chef, he knows too much!"

"Yes, Lady Sakura!"

"Second of all, how are you not used to it by now?" Sakura demanded. "You were married to Dad for seven years before he died and I've been heading the _Akai Kawa_ for eight years since then!"

"Because I'm a normal person," Mebuki said. "I'm not the heir to a black market business!"

"Please," Sakura snorted. "A normal person would have run straight to the authorities the moment they found out that their significant other was a gang boss."

"...I suppose," Mebuki said. "Whatever. Go get cleaned up for dinner."

"Did you make enough for everyone?"

"Mom!"

"They can go a day without food!"

Sakura sighed. "At least I know no one's getting food poisoning." She shook her head. "I have some business with the Yumuru family tonight. I'll eat at the _Kuro ie._ Have Suyo cook something for everyone, okay?"

Mebuki wilted. "Okay," she muttered despondently.

"Okay, I'm going now! Bye Mom!"

"Bye dear. Love you."

"Love you, too. KARI! FUJIKO! REN! LETS GO!"

"Yes Lady Sakura!"

Mebuki frowned. "She should take more...I have a bad feeling about this."

_

"Sakura, is that _sake_ -"

"No, Sasuke, no it is not. This," Sakura said holding up her glass, "is water, and just water. Why the hell would I drink alcohol? I heard it ruins your complexion. You don't see me asking Naruto if he's drinking some cocktail, do you?"

"Sorry."

"You better be. Now, I have some business with the Yumuru's men. Want to come with?"

"Sure!"

"Can I come, too?" the man standing next to Sasuke, sipping on some mango juice, asked.

Sakura squinted. "You're Sasuke's brother, right?"

"You can see through my _Henge?"_

"No, I just figured. You've got to have good instincts in my line of work."

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "And what, exactly, is your line of work?"

Sakura gave him a shark-like grin. "I'm the head of the _Akai Kawa._ The only reason I'm telling you this is because you're Sasuke's dear elder brother. If you let the cat out of the bag...I'll have to _'take care'_ of you."

For some reason, Itachi was terrified. "I-I see."

Sakura nodded. "Now, let's go get Naruto."

Naruto was listening to a drunk Ebisu's seemingly-epic tale. (When later questioned about it, Naruto explains that Ebisu was recounting how he had defeated the Fly King and became their leader)

Sakura had to lead Naruto away while reassuring Ebisu that, yes, Naruto would be back.

Later, Sasuke would wonder if leaving Konohamaru alone with a drunk Ebisu was a good idea.

_

"Konohamaru, come on! I'll teach you a cool jutsu!"

"Really?! What is it?!"

"Death Style: Explosion Technique!"

"AWESOME!"

_

Eh, he was sure they'd be fine.

"Come on, I'm supposed to them over there!" Sakura exclaimed. "I'm NOT going to be late because of you three!"

The thirty-second walk to the private meeting room was fine, but getting inside was a bit of a problematic.

"You specifically said you would bring three guards, not six!" the man at the door protested.

"Listen here," Sakura said in a dangerously low voice, "I know that you've got more than three men inside the room, so I don't see the problem here. It's not like anything's going to get _physical,_ right?"

The man scowled. "You said-"

Sakura grabbed the man's shirt and pulled him down so that he was eye-level with her. "I will have you know," she's said, her voice sickeningly sweet, "that the only reason that I'm not gutting you right now is because I don't want to cause any problems. Is that understood?"

The man, white as a sheet, nodded. "Y-Yes. Y-You may go inside."

That was the day that Itachi found out that you should never anger Sakura Haruno.

The seven of them marched into the room, only for Itachi, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura to come to a dead stop. The man sitting across from them grinned.

 _"MIZUKI?!"_

_

Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it was):

Mizuki, who was just chilling in a pot of boiling water, sneezed. The demon that had been cackling maniacally paused.

"Er...bless you?"

Mizuki snorted. "I got blessed by a demon. _Joy."_

"I'm not the one who plotted to kill a twelve-year-old boy and betray my home since childhood," the demon said haughtily.

"The _'twelve-year-old boy'_ was the Kyuubi," Mizuki retorted.

"The Kyuubi was sealed _in_ him," the demon corrected.

"Details," Mizuki said, waving his hand dismissively

"You do realize that this is why you're eternally damned to Hell, right?"

"I know I'm being stubborn, but it's kind of more about pride then anything else now."

"At least you admitted that you're stubborn," the demon muttered.

"Hey, Kakkri!" one of the other demons yelled. "Stop talking to your charge and start torturing him!"

The now-named Kakkri nodded. "On it!" He turned back to Mizuki and shrugged apologetically. "If it makes you feel any better, you can think of it like I'm laughing _with_ you and not _at_ you." Kakkri paused. "I'm totally laughing _at_ you, though."

Mizuki just sighed.

_

Meanwhile at the Uchiha Compound's Main House:

Fugaku and Mikoto silently ate dinner, as both their talkative child and their encouraging child were not here. _Speaking of which..._

"Fugaku, where are our children?"

Fugaku looked up at his wife, alarmed. "I thought you knew where they are!"

"Are you saying that our children could be practically anywhere doing practically anything?"

"Y-Yes!" Fugaku yelled, panicking.

"...is there any possibility that Itachi is meeting up with a secret girlfriend?"

Fugaku paused, blinking. "I suppose."

"I'm sure they're fine."

"Mikoto-"

"I want grandkids, dammit!" Mikoto yelled. "Fugaku Uchiha, are you saying that you don't want the Clan to have another heir?"

"O-Of course not!"

"Then sit down, shut up, and eat your food."

There was a few moments of silence.

Then, Fugaku grumbled, "You were never this scary in canon."

"Fugaku, don't break the fourth wall."

"Sorry, dear."

_

Back to the Main Cast:

The man's grin faltered. "Uh, I'm not-"

"You tried to kill me!" Naruto yelled.

"I didn't-"

"It's your fault that I had to steal the Scroll of Seals!" Sasuke hissed.

"I'm trying to-"

"You were always annoying," Sakura said, sniffing.

"Wait a-"

"How are you even alive?" Itachi asked, eyes narrowed. "Sasuke killed you."

"I would have answered by now if you all hadn't _CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED ME!"_ the man growled. When no one spoke up, he sighed.

"Good. Now...I'm not Mizuki. I'm his twin sister, Eriko."

"That makes more sen- Wait, did you say _sister?"_

The man...er, _woman's_ eyes narrowed dangerously. "Are you saying that I look like a man?"

Itachi froze. "N-No."

Eriko sighed. "Too bad, that's what I was going for..."

Everyone sweat-dropped.

Sakura cleared her throat. "Well, Eriko, I think we can discuss that later."

Eriko straightened. "Right." She grinned. "Let's start."

 **End of Chapter Two**

_

 **[1] So...I have this fanfic called "Kabuki War Paint" and this was a reference to that.**

 **I'm not really happy with this chapter because nothing much happens in it. However, next chapter will have the Bell Test, so that will be fun!**

 **Anyway, hope you liked chapter two! I typed this up on my phone while listening to music and it went haywire somewhere in the middle, so please do tell me if you find any errors.**

 **Anyway, on to the Reviews!**

 **unifrog1331: Yeah, Sasuke was kind of the only sane one. I feel like crack-fics are funnier when there is at least one person who recognizes how insane everything is. When I said that Sasuke was famous, I meant that he was the son of the Uchiha Clan Head...but you gave me an idea. I love it when that happens! As for Kakashi, I'm still working on how to shove him in there...but it will probably end up being awesome anyway.**

 **silima-bean (for Prologue): Thank you! I'm glad you like the whole "little criminals" aspect of it!**

 **silima-bean (for Chapter 1): Again, thank you! As for the italics joke, I honestly don't know where that came from.**

 **ten.zy** **(for Prologue): I didn't keep them as toddlers...sorry about that...but I promise to go over their kiddy adventures in later chapters!**

 **Claudia Alexandria Zoldic , Miss Seraphina, and RikouHikari: I'm so glad you all liked my story!**

 **For the two Guests that reviewed: I'm sorry I can't respond to each of your reviews, but I'm very happy that you both liked it!**

 **I think that's it for now.**

 **Remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review ( _especially_ Review)!**

 **Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	4. How to Write Random Stuff!

_In the last chapter, Sasuke tells Itachi that he works for the Kuro ie and takes Itachi there (on an unrelated note, Itachi Uchiha is a closet pervert). Kakashi couldn't care less that one of his students is a murderer. Naruto gets Konohamaru as a student and reconnects with Ebisu, an old friend. They meet Eriko, Mizuki's twin sister, who looks exactly like him. Meanwhile, Mizuki is burning in hell and Mikoto wants grandbabies. What is in store next for our protagonists?_

* * *

 **Chapter Three:**

 **How to Write Random Stuff!**

 **The meeting** went smoothly enough (though Itachi kept eyeing Eriko suspiciously), and all was well. Then the meeting was over and the questions started.

"So...you're Mizuki's twin sister?" Sasuke asked.

"Yep. Didn't see him much. I _was_ planning on meeting him in a few weeks but, you know, he died. Haven't actually seen him in three years..."

There was an awkward silence while Eriko reminisced. How were they supposed to comfort her about her brother's death when they had all had a hand in his death. He was a traitor, too.

Eriko was broken out of her trance when Sakura cleared her throat.

"Huh...Oh, sorry about that," Eriko said sheepishly. "Anyway, I think that's it- WAIT!"

The seven of them (Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, Itachi, Kari, Fujiko, and Ren), who were about to leave, froze.

"What happened?" Naruto asked frantically.

"I, uh, need a favor."

"What is this _favor?"_ Itachi asked.

"Mizuki had a fiance," Eriko said. "Her name is Tsubaki. When we were younger, Mizuki and I fought over her." Eriko sighed. "Tsubaki chose Mizuki over me, but now that he's dead, I have a chance with her!" A fire burned in Eriko's eyes.

"...uh, Eriko?" Naruto asked. "What do you want us to do?"

"Find her! Please! Mizuki said he his her in one of the fields outside of Konoha's walls until things were _'safe'._ I didn't understand what he meant back then, but now I do. He probably wanted to marry her after he killed you," she gestured at Naruto, "and left the village."

"You want us to find her and bring her to you so that you can date her?" Itachi asked skeptically. "And you're sure this Tsubaki isn't Straight?"

"She's Bi," Eriko said.

"...Bi?"

"Sasuke, I'm going on a trip to Konoha's outer fields."

Sasuke looked up, startled. Then he smirked. "You really are a pervert."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm not sure if Eriko and Tsubaki are into that kind of relationship."

"We'll deal with that when it comes."

"Are you admitting that you're a pervert?"

"No."

"I see."

* * *

 **Naruto, Sasuke,** and Sakura were all at Training Ground Seven. It was quiet, but that was understandable. Naruto was shuffling a deck of cards, muttering something under his breath.

Sakura, sunglasses covering her eyes, was sitting, leaning against a tree, not making a single move. She was probably sleeping, but it was hard to tell because, again, sunglasses were covering her eyes. She was clutching a kunai, though, so there was that.

Sasuke was eating a tomato. He had a picnic basket next to him, also presumably filled with tomatoes.

For some reason, Kakashi found it fascinating to just sit there in his tree and watch them.

Finally, deciding that he had probably kept them waiting long enough, he made himself known.

Jumping out of his tree and landing in front of them, he said, "Hello my cute little students! Shall we get started?"

None of them moved an inch. Naruto kept shuffling his cards, Sasuke kept eating (except he now had an onigiri in his hands), and Sakura was just sort of...there.

Kakashi's smile didn't move an inch, either. "I know this isn't a genjutsu," he said cheerfully, "so I'm going to continue with my normal speech! You have until noon to get these bells!" He held up two bells. "Whoever doesn't have a bell by noon will be sent back to the Academy. Now, let's get started, shall we?" He got no response. "Begin!"

Again, no one did anything. For a solid ten minutes, the only sounds made were of Naruto's cards and muttering, Sasuke's chewing, and Kakashi's occasional comment on whether or not they would do anything. Eventually, Kakashi just lets out a sigh and sat on the ground. Now he _really_ regretted leaving him I have I have at home.

He poked Sasuke. "Hey, Ducky? Can I have an onigiri?"

Sasuke, still staring straight ahead, handed Kakashi an onigiri.

There was once again a silence. Then, so suddenly that Kakashi was _almost_ surprised, Naruto asked, "How old are you?"

Kakashi was about to answer when Sasuke said, "I'm three months older than you."

Naruto snorted. "You're old."

"Sakura's older than I am."

"She's not the one who drinks milk every day."

"Babies drink milk, not old people."

"That's not exactly much better," Naruto pointed out.

Kakashi only half-listened to the conversation, as he was enjoying his onigiri way too much (what? It tasted homemade! He couldn't remember the last time he had something home cooked!).

Finally, Sasuke let out an irritated sigh. "Are you done yet, Sakura?"

"I've been done for the last fifteen minutes," Sakura said, sitting up and stretching.

"Why didn't you _say_ anything?!"

"Because I didn't want to~"

Sasuke growled.

All was fine for a second. Then Sakura, quicker than Kakashi thought was possible for a not-even-Genin, ran up to him and slashed at his neck with a kunai.

Kakashi was faster, though. He was already ten feet away, ready in a defensive stance, Sakura's kunai in his hands, still chewing his onigiri.

The bells hanging from his hips rang softly in the breeze.

Sakura scowled slightly. "Ugh. I had hoped that I could catch you unaware."

"Not for a while," Kakashi said, still smiling. "That was pretty good, though."

 _"'Good'_ isn't good enough. Now, Naruto!"

Naruto was now also on his feet. He threw three playing cards at Kakashi like they were shuriken. At first, Kakashi raised an eyebrow. Then, he saw something.

All cards have a design on their backs. Something was hidden on the backs of these cards, though. Seals. _Explosion_ seals.

Quickly doing a _Kawarimi_ (somewhere, a tree fell as it was suddenly missing a portion of its bottom), Kakashi was gone.

Kakashi watched from the trees as the log was engulfed in an explosion, it's ashes seemingly raining from the sky. Naruto burst out of the smoke and paused. His eyes turned red and Kakashi raised his eyebrow again.

 _Kyuubi._

Naruto sniffed the air, his eyes darting around. Then they landed on where Kakashi was hidden.

" **Sasuke** ," Naruto growled.

Sasuke came out next to Naruto, holding his picnic basket. He reached in and pulled out a kunai, throwing it as Kakashi. He easily dodged and smiled slightly at the satisfying _Thud!_ it made when it hit the tree trunk. Then he noticed something

There was a wire connected to the kunai. A _flammable_ wire. Sasuke held the other end.

Without doing a single handshake, Sasuke breathed a small amount of fire onto the string. The fire climbed up towards Kakashi at an alarmingly fast rate, growing larger the closer it came.

Kakashi jumped out of the trees, sweat-dropping at the large explosion.

 _Well, there goes that part of the forest..._

He barely had any time to recover before Sakura came falling from the sky. In her hands was a large staff with a blade on it, and it was aimed straight at his head. Kakashi flipped backward and Sakura hit the ground, the impact making a crater.

When the dust cleared, he saw Sakura standing in the middle, perfectly fine.

"...where did you get that stuff?"

"Sasuke's picnic basket," Sakura said, getting into a stance.

"How the hell did _that_ fit in a picnic basket?"

"Now Sensei," Sakura said, winking. "That would be telling."

Kakashi leaned backward as an arrow went whizzing past. Kakashi grabbed it as it was still in front of his face.

He glanced at where it came from. He could sense Sasuke in the trees. Probably with more arrows.

"...I'm assuming that the bow was also in the picnic basket?"

Sakura nodded brightly and Kakashi had to dodge ten more arrows that Sasuke had fired rapidly.

Sakura advanced on him and the two engaged in some high-speed _taijutsu,_ Sakura with her staff and Kakashi with Sakura's kunai, which he still held in his hand. He also had to constantly dodge Sasuke's arrows.

Too late realized that one of them had Naruto's cards attached to it. Kakashi managed to escape the explosion but not the smoke that followed.

Feeling a vibration in the air, Kakashi dropped to the ground and watched as Naruto, his claw-like hand extended in a way that would have seriously injured Kakashi if he hadn't dodged, sailed over him.

When the dust cleared, Naruto was standing next to Sakura, a snarl on his face. Sasuke dropped down from the trees, joining his teammates. His quiver was empty and he discarded it. Sasuke then unstrung one half of the bow. The curved wood straightened so that he could get a better grip on it and the string, from what Kakashi could tell, was coated in something. Sasuke had transformed his bow into a whip. A _poisoned_ one.

Naruto put his fingers into a cross and fifty _Kage Bunshins_ sprung up behind them, each one with red, Kyuubi-powered eyes.

Kakashi suddenly realized something.

 _"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THREE TRYING TO KILL ME?!"_

Sakura shrugged. "Taking the bells from you would be easier if you were dead, wouldn't it?"

Kakashi's eyes narrowed. "Well, I guess I'm going to have to use _this..."_

Kakashi Hatake lifted up his forehead protector, revealing his three-tomoe _Sharingan._

Sasuke suddenly at the corner of the clearing, depression lines hanging over his head.

Kakashi sweat-dropped. "You okay, Ducky?"

"I still don't have the _Sharingan,"_ Sasuke muttered, "and my psychologist says that I may never awaken it because I'm incapable of feeling the severe emotional trauma necessary..."

"You have a psychologist?"

"I make all my friends see one. You know, just to make sure they're insane," Sakura said.

"Make _sure_ they're insane?"

"Well, I can't associate with anyone sane, now can I?"

"...I see."

As you can probably tell, the following fight was odd yet epic (and full of nightmare-inducing chickens).

* * *

 **"WHY AM** I TIED TO A STUMP?!"

"Because," Kakashi said brightly to his angry blond student, "Ducky's my favorite and Pinky impressed me."

"I have explosive cards! I can make thousands of Shadow Clones! _I'm the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki!"_

"...well, I had to tie _someone_ to the stump."

"OH COME ON!"

* * *

 **"Looks like** you three can't follow orders," Kakashi said darkly. He would have scared any other Genin, but Naruto was used to hiding emotions (and Kakashi definitely wasn't the scariest person Naruto had confronted), Sasuke was incapable of feeling anything over mild panic, and Sakura (in many people's professional opinion) _was_ fear.

So, they stood their ground.

"Naruto needs to eat," Sasuke said. "He goes Gory when he's really hungry."

"...goes Gory?"

"He draws on a large amount of Kyuubi chakra and growls at people until they give him food," Sakura explained.

"Oh. Anyway, by the power vested in me as a Jonin or Konohagakure, I hereby declare that you all... _PASS!"_

"Finally!" Sakura said. "I'm officially a Genin!"

Sasuke nodded along. "Though I still think all of that fanfare was unnecessary."

"I don't particularly care!" Kakashi said cheerfully. "Meet me here tomorrow at six in the morning."

"9:00 it is," Sakura nodded.

Kakashi shrugged. "Fair enough."

And with that, he pooped out of existence. It was only then that the three of them realized that Kakashi didn't have a single scratch on him.

Sakura let out an irritated sigh. "Whatever. I should probably head back and make sure someone didn't murder the new chef or anything."

"And I need to go brag to my cousins," Sasuke said.

The two left the training ground.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?!" Naruto yelled. No one heard him.

Ten minutes later, a Genin stumbled into the abandoned training ground.

Naruto turned to him, his eyes red.

" **Hello little boy** ," Naruto said, his voice a deep, guttural growl, " **are you going to untie me so that I can go eat some ramen, or should I fear out of these ropes and eat you myself?** "

The Genin promptly fainted.

"I probably went overboard..."

* * *

 **"Stupid little..."** Naruto muttered angrily. It took fifteen Genin before a Jonin came by to investigate the large amount of malicious chakra.

Hayate Gekko had stared at him for twelve minutes before devolving into a coughing fit and eventually untying him. It was honestly kind of weird.

Shaking his head, Naruto entered Ichiraku Ramen. His eye twitched as he spotted his Jounin-sensei there, happily eating some ramen.

Naruto sat next to him, not saying a word. Finally, he said, "How the hell are you eating that with your mask on?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Trade secret! My turn! Where did you get the exploding cards?"

Naruto paused. "Well..."

* * *

 _ **"Sasuke?" Naruto** asked._

 _"Yes, Naruto?"_

 _"Why do you think Kanamoto was so protective of these cards?"_

 _"Protective? I got them in less than three seconds."_

 _"That doesn't count. You're, well, you."_

 _"You say that like it's a bad thing."_

 _"Whatever. Do you think these cards are poisoned or something?"_

 _"You're still alive and well," Sasuke pointed out._

 _"Yeah, but_ _ **I'm**_ _a Jinchuuriki and immune to all poisons, so I'm probably not the best person to judge whether something is poisoned or not."_

 _"Good point. Well,_ _ **I**_ _touched the cards and I'm not dead!"_

 _"Okay, so they're not poisoned."_

 _"Maybe they just have sentimental value or something?"_

 _"Yeah- WAIT!"_

 _"What is it?"_

 _"The backs of these cards...they have-"_

 _"Explosion seals," Sasuke said, eyes wide. "I wonder how we activate them-"_

 _Naruto shoved a large amount of chakra into a card and threw it in the air. For a second, nothing happened._

 _Then it exploded. It was far enough away that it didn't harm them, but close enough to startle them._

 _When the smoke cleared, Sasuke linked. The card was still in one piece, not even singed. "Kami, these must have cost a fortune!"_

 _Naruto, however, stood stock-still, his face blank. "My whole life just flashed before my eyes." He frowned. "Huh. My life sucks."_

 _Sasuke snorted. "Even I could tell you that."_

 _"HEY!"_

* * *

 **"...I found** them in this out-of-the-way antique shop in a backwater alley in the Red Light district."

"Oh, okay then!" Kakashi chirped.

* * *

 **Sakura Haruno** walked into the kitchen.

She paused.

She saw Goryu making out with the new chef, Mikaso.

Sakura Haruno walked out of the kitchen.

"I'll just get dinner at the _Kuro ie's_ bar..."

* * *

 **"You're really** a Genin now?!" Six-year-old Suiren Uchiha asked, stars in his eyes.

"Yep!" Sasuke said proudly.

"SO COOL!"

"I know! Now, how about-"

"Sasuke!" a voice yelled frantically.

Sasuke sighed. "Nevermind," he muttered. He turned around. "Is everything alright, Father?"

Fugaku spotted his second son and let out a breath of relief. "There you are! I need you to take care of this baby for the rest of the day!"

Sasuke blinked down at the infant that was suddenly in his arms. "Uh...why can't Mother or Itachi take care of the baby?"

"Your mother is filling in for her sick sister on a mission and Itachi...well, I think he said something about Konoha's outer fields...I didn't have enough time to go search for him. Anyway, just take care of the baby for today."

Fugaku then ran off, followed by many people dressed in police uniforms, and he barked out orders.

Sasuke blinked. "HEY! WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THIS BABY FROM?!" Fugaku didn't hear him.

Suiren poke the baby, who giggled slightly.

Sasuke sighed and looked at the child in his arms. "Okay...you don't look like an Uchiha..."

"Well," Suiren said, "maybe she's your illegitimate sister?"

Sasuke thought about it. "Nah, Father couldn't have kept her a secret for so long. Besides, Father doesn't have the guts, he knows Mother would castrate him."

"Er..." Suiren said, "what does _'castrate'_ mean?"

Sasuke gave him an unimpressed look. "You know what _'illegitimate'_ means but not _'castrate'?"_

Suiren huffed.

"Whatever," Sasuke said. "First things first, do you know how to change diapers?"

Suiren paled.

* * *

 **Outside the** walls of Konohagakure, in one of its many rice fields, there was a wooden house. Inside the living room of said house, there was a silence.

Two people sat across from each other, drinking tea.

Finally, the woman said, "Mizuki is dead?"

The man, Itachi Uchiha, nodded. "Yes. He was caught planning to kill a not-even-Genin and leave the Village."

The woman, Tsubaki, sighed. "He lost his way."

"You were still going to marry him? Even though he was a traitor?"

"I loved him."

"I see."

Tsubaki set down her cup. "How did you know I was here? I was never a citizen in the Village and I bought this house and field on my cousins' name."

Itachi also put down his cup. "Someone asked me to find you, Ms. Tsubaki."

"...who?"

"Eriko Saito, Mizuki's twin."

"Eriko..."

"She wants to meet you."

Tsubaki took in a deep breath. "I also wish to see her."

Itachi nodded.

"...so, you're Bi?"

Tsubaki raised an eyebrow. Until now, the young man had been the definition of polite. Even now, his face showed no sign of the incredibly personal question he had just asked.

"Yes."

"...would you be willing to go out with me?"

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

"I'm twenty-nine. I think that answers my question."

"I'm okay with older women."

"Shut up or I'm throwing you out of my house."

"Right, sorry."

* * *

 **There was** a knock on the Hokage's door.

"Come in," the Third said absentmindedly.

In walked Sasuke Uchiha, a panicked look on his face. And he was carrying a child.

"L-Lord Hokage, I-I have a problem..."

"Why are you carrying a baby?"

Sasuke slumped. "I honestly don't know. Father just handed her to me and ran off."

The Hokage shook his head. "Of course he did. Give her here."

"Er, no offense Lord Hokage, but do you know how to handle children?"

"I raised two children and am currently raising my grandchild. I am more than capable of caring for her."

"R-Right, forgot about that."

The Hokage put the little girl on his lap, pulled a teddy bear for him drawer (which she happily glomped) and then proceeded to continue working on his paperwork as the baby giggled excitedly.

Sasuke blinked. "Yeah...I'll go now..."

The baby yelled, "Bye-bye Dada!"

Sasuke's eye twitched. "I'm not your father!"

The baby ignored him in favor of hugging the Hokage. "Gampa!"

Sasuke shook his head. She was the Sandaime's problem now.

"Ca' I hawe a unicorn?"

"Here you go."

"Thi' i' a pen, Gampa!"

"No, it's a unicorn _Henged_ into a pen."

"FO' WEAL?! COOL!"

* * *

 **"..."**

"..."

"..."

"...Itachi, why are we just standing randomly in the middle of the Village?"

"..."

"You don't know how to find Eriko, do you?"

"..."

Tsubaki sighed. Itachi suddenly brightened up.

"Wait, I have an idea."

"Joy."

Ten minutes later found them in the _Kuro ie,_ Itachi under a _Henge_ as he frantically looked around for someone.

"He should be here...there he is!"

"Who's there?" Tsubaki demanded, a little out of her depth.

"Ebisu!" Itachi yelled.

Ebisu, who was chatting with someone, glanced up at him. His eyes narrowed.

"Excuse me for a moment," Ebisu said to whoever he was talking to.

Ebisu walked up to Itachi. "Itachi Uchiha, what do you want?"

Ebisu's curt words failed to dampen the Uchiha's spirits.

"Ebisu, I need your- wait, can you see through me _Henge?"_

"I'm not a Special Jounin for nothing."

"True. Anyway, do you know if there's any way to contact the Yumuru family?"

Ebisu choked. "Why the hell would you want to do that?!"

"There's someone I need to talk to."

Ebisu sighed. "I thought you were allied with the _Akai Kawa."_

"I'm not allied with _anyone."_

"Oh. I see. Anyway, I do have a way to contact them."

"That's great!"

"Just go down that hall," he pointed to the hall next to them. "There are many doors. Go into the one that is labeled _'Yumuru'._ There'll be a representative from the Yumuru family in there."

"Oh...that's surprisingly simple."

"I know."

The representative ended up being Eriko. There was a tense silence, followed by yelling, followed by a lot of crying, until Tsubaki finally just grabbed Eriko and full-on kissed her.

Itachi, who was in the corner of the room, couldn't help but giggle slightly. Now if only they would give him some attention.

Tsubaki and Eriko then proceeded to ignore Itachi.

 _Dang it!_

* * *

 **Naruto walked** into the Hokage's office.

"You suwe thi' i' a unicorn?" A young voice asked.

"Yes. This is a unicorn _Henged_ into a pen. His name is Koko and he is from the magical and mysterious world of La La Land."

"Uh, Old Man?" Naruto asked, chuckling nervously. Said man looked up.

"What?"

"You're not experimenting with some more, uh... _exotic_ blends, are you?"

"...I'm not high if that's what you're asking."

"Oh, good."

"Yes."

"Next question, why is there a little girl here?"

"Sasuke said that his father just handed her to him. He came to me for help."

"Oh...she's not Sasuke's illegitimate little sister, is she?"

"I don't think so. However, she _did_ call Sasuke _'Dada'_ before he left."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"'Ko the unicorn to the wescue!"

Naruto cleared his throat. "I will purge myself of those thoughts later. What's her name, anyway?"

The Sandaime blinked. "I never asked." He looked down at the little girl. "What's your name?"

"You a stwanga!"

"I'm the Hokage."

The girl pouted. "Name is Naya."

"Well Naya, where are your parents?"

"Mama wa' sleeping in the blood and someone took Dada away. The man said he wou' keep me safe. Then he gave me to new Dada!"

Naruto and the Hokage both froze. They made eye contact.

 _The dad killed the mom and Sasuke's dad arrested him and put Naya in police custody?_ Naruto seemed to ask.

 _Probably,_ Hiruzen nodded.

There was a silence broken only by Naya's exclamations about how Koko the unicorn was the _'awesomest!'._

Finally-

"This seems like something that's a little too serious to be in a crack-fic."

"Don't break the Fourth Wall, Naruto."

"Oh, right, sorry."

* * *

 **Kakashi flipped** a page in Icha Icha Paradise. He let out a perverted giggle. The woman who was sitting across from him said, "You do realize that this is why you're single, right?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I know, I just don't particularly care."

"Ah, but don't you want all of this?" she said, gesturing to herself.

"Anko, I'm quite sure that I'm fine."

Anko Mitarashi pouted.

* * *

 **Sasuke Uchiha** walked into his house.

He paused.

He saw Suiren standing on his table, declaring to his siblings that he was the leader of the new world order and that slowly, one by one, every nation would fall to his greatness!

Sasuke Uchiha walked out of his house.

"I'll wait until Father gets here..."

* * *

 **Sakura sat** down at the bar. She was about to call someone over to take her order when a man in his late twenties sat next to her.

"What's a little girl like you doing in a place like this?"

Sakura barely glanced at him. "Eating."

"What do you want? My treat!"

Sakura pressed her lips together. "I can pay for my own food."

"Okay," the man said slowly, "but at least let me get you a drink!"

"I can pay for my own drink as well."

"Come on! At least let me feel better about myself!"

"No thank you."

"Please?"

Sakura looked him over. "Fine." The man smiled brightly.

"Barman!" the guy called.

The bartender came over. _"'Barman'?"_

The guy sitting next to her shrugged. "Anyway, she wants-"

"A grilled cheese sandwich and a water," Sakura said.

"A grilled cheese sandwich and fruit punch it is!" the man said.

The bartender rolled his eyes and walked away to get her order. Sakura sighed.

All of the attempts by the man to initiate a conversation were quickly shot down by Sakura. He was so obviously under a _Henge_ that is was kind of startling. He didn't give off any good vibes, either.

Eventually, her food and drink arrived.

The man picked up the glass to give to her, saying some nonsense about a sea snake.

That's when Sakura saw it. The man had discreetly poured some powder into her drink.

"...and each and every one of them dies fifty years later. Sometimes sixty!" the man finished, handing her the fruit punch.

"Fascinating," she said. She brought the cup to her lips as if she were going to drink, then paused.

"I don't know," she said, not even looking at him, "if you're a murderer, a pedophile, or both..." She suddenly gave him a terrifying grin. "But I can assure you, whatever you are... _I am a hundred times worse."_

She poured the drink onto his pants then smashed the glass into his face.

The man let out a scream and tumbled backward, right into Kanamoto. Kanamoto turned and growled. "You pathetic little..."

He pulled his fist back to hit the man, but only ended up elbowing the person next to him.

The woman in a little black dress scowled, her eyes flashing. She retrieved a dagger from...somewhere. Sakura honestly didn't know where (she made a mental note to ask her for pointers).

There was a large chain of events that eventually ended in an all-out bar fight.

The bartender groaned. Now he had to disturb the bar's owner on his day off.

* * *

 **Shisui Uchiha** was sharpening his weapons at his dining room table when Itachi just walked in, sat down, and let his face hit the wood with a _thud!_

Shisui raised an eyebrow. "What happened to you?"

"I was rejected by not one, but two girls."

"Ooh, that's got to hurt."

"And then they ended up dating _each other!"_

"Double whammy!"

"And they wouldn't even let me get in on it!"

"Three strikes and you're out!"

"Shisui..."

"Alright," he sighed. Shisui walked into the kitchen and came back with a glass of ice cold water. "Her you go."

"Thanks," Itachi muttered, taking a large gulp. His eyes widened and he spit it out. "W-What was that?"

Shisui gave him a bright, albeit confused, grin. "Vodka made in the heart of Lightning Country." Itachi stared at him. "What? You looked like you could use it!"

"I...I don't like it...it tasted weird..."

Shisui blinked. "Don't tell me this is your first taste of alcohol!" Itachi stayed silent. "Why?! You're within the restrictions of _'be Genin or eighteen'!"_

"Father said-"

"Screw your father! We both know he has poor decision-making skills!"

"While that is true, my father didn't have his first drink until the age of twenty-one. He expects me to do the same and, even then, he drinks sparingly. My grandfather never touched a drop of alcohol in his whole life, so my father considers his rules a lot less restrictive."

"I don't care! My little cousin has yet to taste the wonders of _sake!"_

"Shisui-"

"Shh, young grasshopper, Master Shisui will guide you!"

"Shisui-"

"Itachi-"

"BOSS!" a voice interrupted them. A man in an apron ran in. When he spotted Shisui, he let out a sigh of relief. "There you are! Boss, there's-"

"Hiroko," Shisui was through grit teeth, "this isn't a good time..." He tilted his head ever so slightly towards Itachi, who was staring at Hiroko with narrowed eyes.

"But Boss-"

"Shisui," Itachi said quietly, "why is the bartender from the _Kuro ie_ calling you _'Boss'?"_

Shisui's eyes widened. "You-"

"Boss, there's been a bar fight! A bad one!"

Shisui's head snapped up. "Who started it?"

"Uh...Sakura Haruno, I think."

"Oh no," Shisui and Itachi synced.

* * *

 **"Sasuke, where's** the baby?"

Sasuke, who was sitting in their backyard for some reason, looked up at Fugaku.

"I gave her to Lord Hokage."

The blood drained from Fugaku's face.

"What's wrong, Father?"

Fugaku coughed. "She may or may not be the product of the unholy union between a now-deceased kunoichi and a nuke-nin from Iwa that he was just apprehended."

"...why was there an Iwa nuke-nin in Konoha?"

"That's exactly what the Hokage's going to ask."

Yes, Fugaku was oh-so-very screwed.

 **\- End of Chapter Three -**

* * *

 _Omake:_

 **"Suiren?"**

"Yes?"

"Your brother's name is Karen, right?"

"Yes."

"And your other brother is named Furen?"

"Yes."

"And your other _other_ brother is named Doren?"

"Yes..."

"And your one and only sister is named Rairen?"

"What's your point?"

"Why are you all named after the ninjutsu types?"

"Eh?"

"You know, Suiton, Katon, Futon, Doton, and Raiton."

"Huh, I never thought about that!"

"Your mother did, apparently."

* * *

 **LaughingWombat** **(for Prologue)** **: I'm glad you're enjoying my writing! That probably means that I'm doing something right!**

 **Alex Saez** **1995 : Sorry if I made you think I'm abandoning this...but I'm not! And thank you!**

 **Anyway, let's move on.**

 **Sorry about the wait, I actually had the whole thing written out for a while, but I had to summon the willpower to write it. I already have the next chapter written, I've just got to type it, so you can look forward to that.**

 **As for Naya's situation, I'm not playing it for comedy. What happened to her is serious. However, it is also part of the plot, so stay tuned.**

 **Hope you all liked the latest installment! Now, this was kind of all over the place, and so will the next chapter, but trust me, it** _ **will**_ **all be tied together soon. There is, after all, a plot to this.**

 **Anyway, remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review! Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	5. The Horridly Nonsensical!

_In the previous chapter, Eriko petitioned Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and Itachi to find Tsubaki (which Itachi did gladly [He was rejected by them both]). The three protagonists fought against Kakashi, proving themselves to be way better than their canon counterparts. They still couldn't touch a hair on Kakashi's head, though. Fugaku gives Sasuke a baby, which he gives to the Hokage, and she is later revealed to be the daughter of an Iwa nuke-nin. Sakura gets into a bar fight with a man who was trying to drug her, and Itachi finds out that Shisui owns the Kuro ie's bar. Things are getting interesting..._

* * *

 **Chapter Four:**

 **The Horridly Nonsensical!**

"Good," Sakura said as she spotted Shisui walk into the bar, "you're here."

Shisui didn't seem to notice (or at least care) that Sakura was currently standing in a man's chest cavity. Blood covered her shinobi sandals, the entire visible portion of her leggings, and the bottom of her skirt.

Shisui sighed. "Ms. Haruno, this is the fifth bar fight you've started this month. Do you have any idea how much of your budget goes into cleaning these up?"

"Three and a half percent?" Sakura guessed.

"Just three, actually."

They all ducked as someone's head went flying over them.

"What does that have to do with anything, Mr. Uchiha?"

"The next one you start will be your last."

Sakura's eyes narrowed. "Is that a threat, Mr. Uchiha?"

Shisui's gaze seemed to sharpen. He didn't activate his Sharingan, but his eyes still gleamed blood-red. Sakura was suddenly aware of the guards that had discreetly surrounded her.

"It is," Shisui said simply.

Sakura could take the guards, they probably weren't ninja, but Shisui was a different story. Then there was the fact that he had brought Itachi along, and he would, without a doubt, support his best friend.

Of course, Sakura had brought her own guards, but still...

"My apologies, Mr. Uchiha. It will not happen again."

And suddenly Shisui was grinning brightly, and the guards disappeared.

"I'm sure it won't, squirt. Now, uh, who're you standing in? He's not important, is he?"

"Nah," Sakura said. "He's just some guy who tried to drug me."

Shisui's nose scrunched up. "Ugh. Whatever. Please step out of him. I'll have him disposed of."

Sakura nodded. "Of course."

And all was sort-of well.

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it is):

"So...how long has it been?" Mizuki asked.

Kakkri, who was sharpening his nails, blinked. "You mean since you've died?"

"Yeah."

"Around...one, maybe two, days."

"...then why does it feel like two years?"

"Time works differently down here," Kakkri said, shrugging.

"I see...can you stop boiling me now?"

"Kid, you've got twenty centuries left before you're judged again to see if you're worthy for Heaven."

"I thought I was _'eternally damned'?"_

Kakkri waved his arm. "Some upstarts in the Lands of Nightmares won a case. Some BS about how people change and that torturing them for all of eternity is a cruel and unusual punishment. Though as a side-effect, we don't have to spend as much money creating land that can be used to torture. They started to lower the taxes!"

"You have to pay taxes?"

"Why does every human think we don't pay taxes?"

"Well, you're generally portrayed as savage, bloodthirsty monsters who don't care for civilized society."

"Generally?"

"Well, modern authors have started to romanticize demons a lot."

"Well, it'll happen eventually to all civilizations."

"...I don't even want to know."

"Yeah, you really don-"

Another demon ran over to Kakkri, interrupting him. It whispered something in his ears and Kakkri's eyes widened. He turned back to Mizuki.

"Looks like you're getting a little break. Stay in the water. I'll be back in a bit."

Mizuki watched, confused, as Kakkri hurriedly walked away.

"I wonder what's going on..."

* * *

Over to Naruto:

"Er...what do we do with her?" Naruto asked hesitantly, gesturing to Naya.

Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed. "We wait."

"For what?"

"For Fugaku to get his a- er, _butt_ in here and explain what's going on."

Naruto nodded, pretending that he didn't hear the slip of words. "Also, what are you working on?"

"PINK FLUFFY UNICORN!"

"This is concerning the water crisis in Konoha's southernmost district, _Fushigina Basho."_

"I thought the southernmost district was _Okina hi."_

"Well it is, but most people refer to it as _Fushigina Basho_ these days..."

"Okay then. What's wrong with the water there?"

"Well, the water there has this odd, yellow-ish look to it. At first, we thought it was rusty pipes or a lead imbalance, but nope. Turns out someone threw hundreds of gallons of food coloring into the _Ha_ River."

"Why would someone do that?"

"Probably to cause unrest in the Village. We've informed the residents there that the water is completely safe for drinking but many still refuse to. Now I need to figure out if it's worth it to have all that water cleaned...on a related note, the bottled water industry is getting popular."

"I...see. Is this what you do every day?"

The Hokage sighed, absentmindedly stroking Naya's hair (which was, by the way, incredibly soft). "Pretty much. I answer stupid requests and listen to the _'esteemed council members'_ fight. A lot."

Naruto winced. While he was well acquainted (and maybe, possibly friends) with quite a few council members (both Shinobi and Civilian), he knew having them all in one room and listening to them fight over important topics could _not_ be good for your sanity.

"I'll pray for your sanity, Old Man."

Hiruzen snorted. "The day you go to a shrine is the day I go cold turkey."

Naruto suddenly gave him a vicious grin. "Hand over the pipe, Old Man."

Lord Third felt a sudden sense of dread go through his stomach. "Why?"

"Where do you think I got this?" Naruto asked, gesturing to the _Katsumori_ hanging around his neck.

Hiruzen chuckled nervously. "Stop joking, Naruto. You and I both know that you got that at a grocery store..."

"Nope!" Naruto said brightly, popping the _"p"._ "Sasuke and Sakura took me to a real shrine. The attendant gave it to me and everything!"

Hiruzen slumped in defeat. "I-I see..."

"Since I'm nice," Naruto continued, "I'll only take it for a week."

"I knew I liked you for a reason!" Hiruzen exclaimed, stars in his eyes.

"I mostly just don't want to deal with the backlash I'd get for giving the Hokage withdrawal symptoms," Naruto said, dismissively.

"I still love you!" Hiruzen said brightly.

It might have come off a bit... _weird_ since Naruto, scooching backward ever-so-slightly, said, "That's nice...I'll, uh, be going now. And have Konohamaru move in with me."

"Koko the unicorn 'ill wule the world!"

* * *

"Lord Hokage, why was my son's teammate running out of here while screaming _'PEDOPHILE!'_ at the top of his lungs?"

"Koko the unicorn will defeat anyone in his way!"

"That's nice," Hiruzen muttered, depression lines hanging over his head.

"An' then he'll kill them and bath in their bwood!"

"Very good," Hiruzen muttered again.

Sasuke balked. "Lord Hokage, shouldn't you be more concerned about that?"

"About what?"

"Her unicorn is bathing in the blood of his enemies," Fugaku deadpanned.

"What's wrong with that? It brings back good memories, actually. It sounds like the bedtime stories my mother used to tell me." His eyes widened and he poked Naya. "Do you want to hear Konohamaru's favorite story? It's called _'Akira's First Kill'!_ It details Akira killing a person and then destroying his corpse. It's quite interesting and educational-"

"Yeah, I'll take her," Fugaku said, scooping Naya out of his lap. He was slightly disturbed by how bright her face was at the thought of hearing the graphic tale.

Fugaku's own father had told him the same story (it was a popular ninja story) as a child and it had traumatized him. He had vowed to never let his children hear it. Instead, he was a good father and took his impressionable, four-year-old son to the front lines of a war. (Sadly, he was still a much better father than his own ever was)

"Lord Third," Sasuke said, "are you sure you're...uh... _mentally fit_ to take care of Konohamaru?"

"I've already told you that I've raised two children."

"One abandoned you for the capital and only recently came back, and the other's dead," Sasuke said bluntly. Fugaku's eyes widened in horror.

"Sasuke-"

"I fail to see your point," Hiruzen interrupted. "They're both Shinobi and Asuma's rebellious phase set in later than usual."

"You're lying to yourself and you know it," Sasuke snapped.

Hiruzen looked like he wanted to object, but he paused. After a moment of silence, he burst into tears.

Fugaku, alarmed, stuttered, "L-Lord Hokage? What's wrong?!"

"I-I'm a horrible father, aren't I?"

Their silence only furthered the Third Hokage into a sobbing mess.

In the end, Fugaku and Sasuke excused themselves, Naya in tow, while the Third blubbered on about how he should have spent more time at home.

The fact that Naya's father was a missing ninja from the Stone never really came up.

"...an' then Koko 'ill use the gnomes as swaves 'cause gnomes are ugly!"

* * *

The room was silent and many Jounin shifted uncomfortably.

Kakashi, who was three hours late (as usual), paused.

"...what's wrong?"

Kurenai Yuhi coughed and tilted her head towards the corner of the room.

The Third Hokage was sobbing, not even acknowledging that they existed.

Kakashi sweat-dropped. "He's been like that since you're gotten here?" The Jounin nodded. "Okay then..." Kakashi promptly got out his Icha Icha and started reading.

"Aren't you going to do anything?" Genma Shiranui demanded.

"Why would I?"

"You're Kakashi Hatake!" Genma said.

"And he's the Hokage," Kakashi shot back calmly. "He could probably kill me even if he's bawling his eyes out."

Genma blinked. "You have a point," he said finally.

Then Asuma barged in. "Sorry I'm late, I had to stop the Uzumaki brat from forcing my nephew to live with him- FATHER STOP CRYING LIKE A BABY!"

Hiruzen perked up. He turned around and leaped at Asuma, capturing him in a hug. "I'M SO SORRY ASUMA!" he wailed. Asuma winced, patting his father's back awkwardly.

"I'll accept your apology if you _get off of me."_

Hiruzen nodded, letting go. Then, apparently sapped of energy, he went over to his chair, sat down, put his head on his desk, and promptly fell asleep.

Asuma sighed. "Just leave the paperwork on his table, he should be awake in two or three hours." All the Jounin nodded uncomfortably.

Kakashi giggled.

* * *

"Shisui, were you really going to kill Sakura?"

Shisui, who hadn't said a single word to him since they left the- _his-_ bar, looked at him strangely.

"What on Earth made you think that I was going to kill her? I was just going to ban her from the bar."

Itachi sighed. "What am I supposed to think? My brother's a professional thief, one of his friends gambles regularly, the other is a mob boss, and then you're suddenly a bar owner!"

"Ah, you've found out about Sasuke, too?"

"Yep," Itachi said despondently. "I smelled the ashes of someone he killed, then called him out on it."

Shisui raised an eyebrow. "I assume it didn't go well?"

"It didn't. I don't even have a girlfriend to comfort me."

"All the girls you want will never come to you," Shisui said sagely. "It's the Uchiha's curse."

"Moving on...I have an idea!"

"What is it?"

"Shisui, be my boyfriend!"

"...I'm flattered, but dating you just feels wrong."

"Why?" Itachi demanded.

"I don't know, we're best friends! It would be weird!"

"I'll convince you eventually," Itachi said. "Until then...maybe I'll take you up on that offer for _sake."_

* * *

The next day, Team Seven met up at the bridge in the middle of the Village.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Ducky, why are you covered in spit-up?"

"My father brought home a baby and she threw a tantrum."

Kakashi's eyebrow went even higher. "I always took your father as the faithful kind. How'd your mother take it?"

Sasuke scowled. "She's in police custody. She is _not_ my illegitimate half-sister!"

"Too bad, that would have added a lot of spice to your life."

"Shut up!"

"Anyway, who's ready for some D-Ranks?"

His cute little Genin groaned.

* * *

Twelve Hours Later:

Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed, placing his pipe down (Naruto had never taken it and seemed too scared to approach him now _[that brat])._

"Kakashi, you're here again, I see."

"Yep!" Kakashi nodded cheerfully.

"You were literally in here five minutes ago for a weed-picking mission."

"I know."

"And five minutes before that for a fence-painting mission."

"Yep!"

"And five minutes before _that_ for the Tora mission." Sasuke and Naruto winced and Sakura started giggling maniacally.

The Third cleared his throat. "What I was trying to say is how are you finishing the missions so quickly?"

"It's amazing what you can do with three hundred and one Shadow Clones."

Hiruzen sighed once again. "Get out of my office."

"Yes sir!"

* * *

"So," Kakashi said, "looks like we're done with D-Ranks for today. How about some training?"

"It's ten at night," Sakura pointed out dryly.

"I fail to see your point."

"How about we train tomorrow?" Naruto offered.

"Nonsense!" Kakashi said. "We shall train! Like, right now."

Sasuke sighed. "Fine. Sure. Whatever. At least I don't have to see that devil child again."

"Hey," Naruto protested, "Naya's awesome!"

"She keeps shoving a pen into my hands and insisting that it's a unicorn named Koko. And she won't stop calling me _'Dada'._ It's disturbing."

"At least one of us is okay with this," Sakura muttered.

Sasuke shrugged.

"Whelp," Kakashi said, "let's start with tree walking!"

"Already know it," the three Genin chorused.

"I see. How about water walking?"

"Water walking?"

"Looks like you don't know it. Let's begin."

Ten minutes later, Sakura was standing on the water, slightly strained due to her small chakra reserves, Sasuke was wobbling on top, his eyes shut tight in concentration, and Naruto was glad that the Hokage taught him how to swim.

Breaking the surface after another failed attempt, Naruto took in a big breath of air.

Making his way to the shore, Naruto dragged himself onto the dirt.

Kakashi sighed. "Your chakra control is _atrocious!_ How the hell did you manage to do the tree walking technique?!"

"Five days and a lot of determination," Naruto panted.

Sakura gasped, apparently having no more chakra to accurately do the technique. She fell into the water and the splash ended up startling Sasuke enough for him to lose his concentration, which meant he also fell in.

Naruto stifled a snort. Kakashi sighed again. "Okay team, huddle up."

When they were all together, three-fourths of them dripping wet, Kakashi said, "First of all, congratulations. You're working very hard and not quitting, despite the fact that it's eleven at night and the water is freezing cold.

"On the more pressing matters, Pinky, you're chakra capacity leaves much to be desired. I want you to keep channeling chakra into your feet, even when you're not on water or a vertical surface. Only stop when you can't anymore. Wait until you're at full power again, then repeat. It'll grow your chakra pool to an easier-to-use size. Not too much, though. I want you to keep your excellent control."

Sakura nodded.

"Good. Ducky, you can stay on water just fine. Keep going until it feels natural. I don't want you to fall into a lake because you're distracted by a kunai, _especially_ against a Kiri-nin."

"Right," Sasuke said.

"Yes. And Naruto..." Kakashi thought for a moment. "Okay, Naruto, I want you to use your chakra to make a half-sphere indent in the water by the day after tomorrow."

"Yes sir!"

"Good. You three are dismissed."

* * *

"Sasuke, why are you dripping wet?"

"Kakashi-sensei taught us water walking today."

"Ah, that explains it."

"...Brother?"

"Yes, Sasuke?"

"You're drunk, aren't you?"

"Yep."

"You find out about Shisui?"

"I did. He rejected me, too."

"Ah, no wonder you're drunk."

"If you'll excuse me, I must now ponder the futility of my existence."

"A _sake-_ induced existential crisis? You just don't want to go inside!"

"...Mother will kill me."

"Say, didn't you drink _yesterday?_ Why are you drunk right now?"

"Because the author was lazy and didn't want to go back and correct the error."

"Don't break the Fourth Wall."

"Hey, I'm drunk, I get a pass."

"...I suppose."

"I'll spend the night out here, contemplating life and making delusional plans to get Shisui to fall in love with me."

"Yeah, about that, why do you want to date Shisui?"

"Because yaoi is hot."

"Well, I can't exactly argue with that. Say, whatever happened to that one girl...Izumi, I think."

Itachi waved his hand dismissively. "I'm pretty sure that Lord Kishimoto just made her so that the audience wouldn't think I was gay or asexual. You know Shōnen and their manga: Straight couples _only,_ no matter what common sense says."

"I don't care if you're drunk, no more than one Fourth Wall reference per chapter!"

"Well, this fanfiction is about breaking the norm, so-"

"Just for that, we'll go to the next section."

"Wait, no-"

* * *

Sakura made her way into the kitchen very slowly.

Goryu was making out with Mikaso again. Sakura sighed, irritated.

"You know what, I don't even care. I want some water, goddammit!"

Goryu and Mikaso didn't seem to hear her loud proclamation. Eye twitching, Sakura made her way to the fridge. Grabbing her glass and getting her water, Sakura was about to drink. Then she paused.

"...why is this water yellow-ish?"

"Ah, that's food coloring," Mebuki said. "Someone dumped a few hundred gallons of it into the _Ha_ River. Here, have a bottled water."

Sakura sighed. "Last week it was that weird cult sending missionaries everywhere. Today it's food-colored water. What's next?"

"People are starting to call this place _Fushigina Basho,_ you know."

Sakura sighed. "I'm not even surprised."

"Can you tell Goryu and the cook to stop making out?"

"Eh, they're not causing any trouble."

"It's disturbing."

"So is murdering people. You seem fine with that."

"FINE?! Might I remind you that we spend THREE AND A HALF PERCENT CLEANING UP YOUR DAMN MESSES!"

"About that, I really should put my foot down about the whole _'No blood in the house!'_ thing."

"YOU BETTER, SAKURA HARUNO!"

Goryo and Mikaso continued to make out.

* * *

Naruto was alone in his apartment. All was silent as he stared out his window. He was lonely. Not many people liked him, everyone glared at him on his birthday, and sometimes he wondered if the world was better off with him dead-

"NO I DON'T! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Naruto growled at no one in particular like an idiot.

"HEY, TAKE THAT BACK!" he yelled at the narrator who quite obviously didn't give a crap what he thought.

"I'LL KICK YOUR A-"

The idiot's mouth clicked shut before he could utter the vulgar word.

"Mghmgmn!" the idiot exclaimed, face as red as a tomato.

* * *

"Mmmm, tomatoes."

"Eh?"

"Nothing, Itachi."

* * *

Naruto, managing to pry his mouth open, yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

He was obviously very idiotic if he didn't recognize this for what it was: a distraction.

Naruto's eyes widened and he whirled around the room, kunai out, ready to defend himself against any and all threats.

Once again, he's an idiot for not realizing that he was under a genjutsu.

Naruto's eye twitched. Muttering something under his breath, he brought his fingers into the proper symbol and said, "Kai!" The genjutsu dispelled.

Nothing seemed different. Except, of course, there was a note on his bed. It had five words on it.

Naruto's eyes widened.

-/_\\-

"...you alright, Kakashi?"

Tenzo didn't know what to think when he found Kakashi at a popular bar in the merchant district. Kakashi usually only came here on the last day of every month. Today was the twelfth.

He wasn't even drinking anything...no, wait, he is- IS THAT WATER?! AT A _BAR?!_ OH _HELL_ NO!

With a ferocious roar, Tenzo grabbed the glass of water and hurled it at the far wall. It shattered immediately. Kakashi's eyes widened.

"Tenzo, what the hell-"

"You," Tenzo hissed, "have done a horrible sin!"

Anko walked up behind him. "Come on," she slurred, "you're overreacting. I'm sure it wasn't that bad-"

"That glass I threw was filled with water."

As soon as that sentence left Tenzo's mouth, Anko turned and slapped Kakashi. Everyone was silent and quite a few people were glaring at the Copy-nin.

"Kakashi Hatake," Anko growled, "if you are going to drink water, do it at home. Do not plague this holy site with your soberness, heathen!"

"...I was just thirsty."

"Then at least drink your water outside like a normal, _sane_ person!"

"Oh, _you_ are not allowed to say that, Mitarashi!"

"What the hell did you say, Hatake?!" Anko roared, punching him square in the jaw.

Kakashi fell out of his seat.

Tenzo sweat-dropped. "Okay, I think Kakashi's learned his lesson, Anko."

"Oh, he _better!"_ Anko huffed, walking back to her (now-terrified) date.

Kakashi glared at Anko as she walked away. Then he turned to Tenzo.

"Why were you two so, uh, _passionate_ about that?"

"What kind of idiot drinks water at a bar?" Tenzo snapped. Then he sighed. "Whatever. Why're you here?"

"Well, there was this old homeless woman who gave me a note saying that she was the descendant of a mage and-"

"Kakashi."

"Fine. I'm nearly broke and this place has the cheapest meals. I didn't get alcohol because I only drink on the last day of every month."

"...huh. That was actually a reasonable explanation."

"What's that supposed to mean."

"Nothing."

"...okay then."

"So, why are you nearly broke?"

"Because apparently, you have to take a lot of tests to become a Jounin-sensei. Which means a lot of studying. Which means that _I_ don't have time to take any missions. Kurenai is in the same boat as me. Now that I have students, I can only take D-ranks because that's all they can handle."

"What do you mean _'all they can handle'?_ You won't know what they can handle until you test their metal. Maybe not now, but you need to get a C-rank mission within the next two weeks. You can't pay rent solely on D-ranks, you know."

"...what if they're not ready?"

"Then you and I will be the only ones to know. Besides, it's a C-rank, what could go wrong?"

* * *

Suiren blinked up at the man standing in front of him.

"...who the hell are you?"

The man blinked. "Huh, you've got a hell of a mouth for a kid."

Suiren smiled. "Why thank you."

The man chuckled. "I heard your plans to take over the world."

Suiren's smile turned wary. "How?"

"...you do realize that you're in no way quiet, right?"

"..."

"Anyway, what if I told you that I work for someone who could help you achieve that goal?"

Suiren took a step back. "What are you talking about."

The man raised his hands placatingly. "You don't have to accept if you don't want to. I promise, though, that he will help you rule the world."

"...what do I have to do?"

The man smirked, then leaned over and whispered something in his ear. Suiren nodded.

"I'll do it."

The man's smirk grew. "Good. I'll meet you here next week then."

And Suiren smirked back.

* * *

In a private meeting room in the _Kuro ie,_ Sasuke and Sakura stared seriously at a terrified Naruto.

"Why did you call us here and insist on us being alone?" Sakura asked.

"I was at home a-and someone placed a genjutsu on me. I-I managed to break it and then there was a note on the bed a-and..."

"Can we see the note?" Sasuke asked gently.

Naruto hesitated before nodding. He slowly took out the note and unraveled it, placing it on the table in front of them so they could see it.

Sakura recoiled backward and dread and terror filled Sasuke's stomach. All because of five words.

 _ **Brace yourself.**_

 _ **Plot coming soon.**_

 **\- End of Chapter Four -**

* * *

 _Omake (1) [THIS IS NOT PART OF THE STORY]:_

Sakura stared down at the kid who Sasuke had asked her to look after for a few hours.

"So..." she started awkwardly, "what's your name?"

"Suiren," the kid said.

"It's nice to meet you, Suiren. I'm Sakura."

"Your parents didn't have a good imagination."

Sakura blinked. Then she smirked. "You've got a bit of a backbone, don't you?"

"I have to have a backbone if I want to rule the world."

"Rule the world? Heh, I like you."

"I don't."

Sakura hugged him. "Don't worry, you will."

"Let go of me."

"But you're my friend now. After I get you through a psychologist, we can get started on world domination."

"...I like you."

And so the nations fell, one by one, to Suiren Uchiha and Sakura Haruno.

Sasuke _knew_ he should have asked Shisui to babysit.

* * *

 _Omake (2):_

Naruto was perfectly fine, minding his own business, when Sasuke walked up and punched him in the gut.

Naruto choked. "Wh-What the _hell_ Sasuke!"

"When you thought Lord Hokage was a pedophile, you just _left_ without taking Naya!" Sasuke yelled.

"It was too late!" Naruto said. "And he _is_ a pedophile! It makes sense, where do you think Orochimaru got it from?!"

"That's not an excuse!" Sasuke snapped.

"Why are you so worked up about this, anyway?! You don't even like her!"

Sasuke's face went red. "I _don't!_ Am I not allowed to be mad that you left a little kid alone with a _goddamn pedophile?!"_

"I had this weird feeling that she could take care of herself!"

"She's _four!"_

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON!"

"SO ARE YOU!"

"YOU-"

Naya watched on with curiosity. She then walked up to them calmly and motioned for both of them to stop.

Serenely, she said, "Koko the unicorn will save us all."

The two boys were silent.

"All hail Koko," Naya continued.

The two boys stayed silent.

"I SAID ALL HAIL KOKO!"

"A-All hail Koko..."

* * *

 _Preview of the Next Chapter:_

 _Chapter Five: In Which There Was Plot_

Sasuke discreetly fingered his kunai and Naruto went on fuming. "THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE MAKING ME READ THE WHOLE GODDAMN SHINOBI MANUAL YOU GODDAMN GOT THAT GODDAMMIT?!"

"That was way too many goddamns in one sentence," Sasuke muttered.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GODDAMN CARE?"

* * *

 **kunoichiareboss** **: I granted your wish, but only in the _omake._ I have plans. Your idea enthralled me, though, so I decided to write it out! Hope you liked it!**

 **TubfullOfDishes345** **: I'll be honest, I don't fully understand what you wrote. You were probably typing really fast or maybe autocorrect was like, "Screw you!" So, yeah, I'll answer to the best of my ability. I still don't know where I'm going with this fic. I published this on a whim the moment I finished the Prologue. I'm surprised it garnered so much attention. I plan to keep it light-hearted for the most part, but I foresee serious moments. Not dark, but serious. Who knows, though, like I said, I didn't really plan this thing out. And my story will never measure up to _Tuna Fish and Red-Splattered Pages_ , that was a masterpiece and the world itself weeps because it is no longer on . Thank you!**

 **AngelFallenDemon** **: I'm glad you enjoyed my fic, and I hope your week wasn't too bad. Everyone has them every now and then, you just got to power through them because, ultimately, you'll be better off when it ends.**

 **unifrog1331** **: Hehe, I'm glad you liked it so much. And trust me, my ego has been fed very much from your Review. If I seem haughty in the coming chapter, know this, it's your fault! (JK, but thanks for your Review!)**

 **Boom, chapter four is done! It's a little shorter than I wanted it to be, but that's necessary. Also, chapter five is already written. The way I operate, though, I won't publish a chapter until the one after it is written. Chapter five is pretty long and a lot less funny. It's plot, though, and that's necessary.**

 **Hope you all liked it! Remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review! Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**

 **(Also, I'm on Reddit now. SSSRHA, same as my username here. If you want to check me out or something, please do. I'm not very interesting, though. I don't have my own subreddit or anything, I'm just...on Reddit.)**


	6. In Which There Was Plot

_Honestly, there was a lot of nonsense going on in the last chapter. Let's outline the important stuff, shall we? Kakashi is broke and needs to take a C-rank soon, or he'll not be able to pay rent. Itachi asks Shisui out, he refuses, but Itachi is determined. Something weird is going on in Hell. Team Seven is training their water walking skills, Naruto thinks Hiruzen is a pedophile, and Naya is very gory. Someone dumped food coloring in the water, and Goryu and Mikaso are still making out. Oh, and then there's the ominous letter that Naruto got. It's an odd life, isn't it?_

* * *

 **Chapter Five:**

 **In Which There Was Plot**

 **"What are** you doing?"

"Having an existential crisis."

"At midnight? Why are you out here instead of inside?"

Itachi squinted up at Izumi who was looking at him, concerned.

"Say, Izumi," Itachi said. "You like me, right?"

Izumi went beet-red. "Y-Yes," she finally managed.

"Do you also like Shisui?"

Izumi went even redder.

Itachi chuckled. "Well, Izumi, how would you like a Reverse-Harem?"

Izumi blinked. "You're drunk, aren't you?"

"I'll stand by my decision when I'm sober, too."

Izumi bit her lip. Then, "Yes, I would like a Reverse-Harem with you and Shisui, and maybe even your brother because he will most likely be hot when he grows up."

"All Uchiha are hot," Itachi said solemnly. "I'm already in, Shisui will take a little bit of convincing, and I'm not sure if Sasuke knows what a Reverse-Harem is...don't worry, I'll take care of it. I'll gather more members from the Clan and you start working on non-Clan members."

Izumi nodded, her eyes set in determination. "Yes!"

"Oh, and do you want it to be male-only?"

"Well, I'm straight, so yes."

"Too bad. Whatever, you go get some sleep. So will I. We can start working on your boy-toys tomorrow."

"Okay!"

And that is how Izumi Uchiha got her thirty-member Reverse-Harem.

It took a lot of effort, though. Itachi's going to have a lot of work on his hands.

* * *

 **"...and Cinderella** married Prince Charming and they all lived Happily Ever After. The End." Fugaku shut the storybook closed. "See? Wasn't that nice? Can you go to sleep now? PLEASE?!"

Naya considered it. "...NO! THA' STOWY WAS STUUPID. WHEWE'S 'TA BWOOD AND GORE?!"

Fugaku sighed in defeat. "And then Cinderella went crazy, killed the Prince, Queen, and King, took over the kingdom, ruled with an iron fist, and slaughtered everyone who stood in her way. The End."

"YAY!"

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"M'kay!" Naya said brightly. She paused. "Oh, oh, I've gotta question!"

Fugaku clenched his jaw. "What?" he seethed.

"Why hasn't Mama woken up yet?"

Fugaku froze. _How do I say it in a way that won't break her heart?_ "Uh...your mama did wake up! Trust me, she's just somewhere else right now!" _Crisis averted._

"Where did she go?"

Fugaku swallowed. "She went to a place called the Pure Lands," he said finally because there was no way she would understand what that meant-

"M-Mama's dead?" Naya asked.

Fugaku cursed his luck.

"Uh...yes?" He winced slightly. That probably wasn't the best answer.

Naya was silent, before, "Oh, that's why she wa' covered in bwood."

She then went back to playing with the pen that she insisted was a unicorn named Koko, and Fugaku decided to get her to therapy.

While Fugaku was deep in thought, Naya frowned and itched the inside of her thigh.

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it was):

 **Mizuki snored** in his cauldron. He was having a wonderful dream about marrying Tsubaki and rubbing it in Eriko's face when someone woke him up.

"What?" he said groggily. He wanted to _sleep,_ dammit! It had been over a year and Kakkri had yet to return, and Mizuki was now used to sleeping in.

"Wake up, scum!" a voice snapped.

Mizuki's eyes shot open. He regarded the devilishly handsome man standing in front of him. "Who the hell are you?" he asked warily.

"Your new keeper. Now come on. This whole section is under evacuation."

And that's when Mizuki finally heard the alarm bells ringing.

"What's going on?"

The man grinned, revealing razor-sharp teeth and a snake's tongue.

"An uprising."

* * *

The next day with Sakura:

 **Sakura was** calmly reading over some reports when her mother walked in.

"Are Goryu and Mikaso still making out?"

"Yep," Mebuki sighed. "Anyway, Chino is here. She seems pretty frantic."

Sakura raised an eyebrow. Chino helped her oversee reports. "What's got her anxious?"

"Don't know," Mebuki said. "You ask her." Sakura nodded and Mebuki walked out of the room, sending Chino in after her.

"So," Sakura said, "what is it?"

Chino, her eyes frantic, slammed a stack of papers onto Sakura's desk. "Three of your main clients have gone silent!"

Sakura's eye widened and she stood up abruptly. "I want a negotiator sent to each client! I want to know what's going on! If they refuse to meet, send in the scouts!"

Chino paled. "Yes, Lady Sakura!" She scrambled out of the room and Sakura sighed.

 _What's going on?_

* * *

 **Kakashi's stomach** growled. Asuma, who was sitting next to him in the Jounin Lounge, raised an eyebrow. "You going to eat anything, or..."

Kakashi sighed. "I'm broke."

"Broke?"

"So is your girlfriend," Kakashi said.

Asuma blushed. "Kurenai and I are not dating."

"I never mentioned Kurenai," Kakashi pointed out. Asuma froze.

Kakashi chuckled. "But yes, Kurenai is also broke."

"Why are you guys broke?"

"Neither of us has had a mission over D-rank for the last few weeks because of testing and our Genin Teams and, unlike you, we're not part of a Clan and have apartments to pay for."

Asuma nodded. "Is that why you both have been living off of nothing but the free dango they offer here for the last two days?"

"Why did you think we were doing that?"

"I don't know, some kind of fad diet? An extreme fad diet, seeing as neither of you had eaten anything else."

"Hey, I've only been having lunch here," Kakashi said defensively.

"Have you legally been having any other meal?" Asuma retorted.

"My friends are very charitable," Kakashi sniffed.

"That's not exactly good."

"Screw you," Kakashi said, taking another sip from his glass of water. He then paused and wrinkled his nose, glancing down at it. "...why's this pee-colored?"

"Some weirdo threw a few hundred gallons of food coloring into the _Ha_ River," Asuma replied.

"Wasn't that only a problem in _Fushigina Basho?"_

Asuma shrugged. "Father decided to place that water in all of Konoha's pipes just to prove a point."

"Well, it tastes weird."

Asuma raised an eyebrow. "Really?" He poured himself some water, then sipped it. "It tastes normal to me."

Kakashi blinked and looked down at the glass again. "My stomach doesn't feel right."

"You okay-"

Kakashi then proceeded to projectile vomit right into Asuma's face.

Asuma just sighed. "You might be allergic to the food coloring."

"You think?" Kakashi groaned.

"...is it weird that I'm used to having people throw up on my face?"

"...that sounds like an interesting story, which I will be willing to hear after my stomach finishes constricting painfully."

"'kay."

* * *

 **The Hokage** was staring at a whimpering Naya, who was in the arms of Mikoto. Naya let out another cry of pain as she clutched her left thigh.

Hiruzen's eyes narrowed. "What's wrong?" he asked seriously.

"A seal," Mikoto said calmly.

"...what kind of seal?"

"I do not know for certain...but it seems to resemble the one given to Anko Mitarashi by Orochimaru the Sannin."

Hiruzen's jaw clenched. "Show me it."

Mikoto nodded. She turned to Naya, the softly said, "Honey, I'm going to take off your pants, okay? The Hokage said he needs to see the bad mark on your leg, okay?"

Naya whimpered again. "B-Bu' the weiwd boy said Gampa's a pedo!"

Mikoto froze and depression marks fell over Hiruzen's head. "N-Naruto..."

"I-I'm sure that the... _'weird boy'_ was just joking," Mikoto said softly. Her sharp eyes turned to the Hokage. _"Right?"_

"Trust me, I don't like Naruto calling me that any more than you do," Hiruzen muttered.

"Good," Mikoto said cooly. "Now, Naya, I'm taking off your pants, okay?"

Naya let out another whimpered, but this time nodded. Mikoto nodded back before slowly easing off Naya's pants.

When they were off, she put Naya on the desk and asked her to sit with her legs crossed.

"Criss-cross applesauce," Naya muttered as she sat. Then she let out another cry of pain and once again clutched her thigh.

"Calm down, sweetie," Mikoto soothed. "I know it hurts, but we need Lord Hokage to see the bad mark, okay?"

Tears in her eyes, Naya hesitantly let go of her leg. It stayed tense, but now Hiruzen could see clearly. High up her thigh, close to her underwear, was a seal.

Hiruzen let out a breath of awe. "It's nearly identical to Anko's," he breathed.

"Which is what I was saying," Mikoto continued. "What I want to know is why it was in such an intimate spot on a child."

"It's unlikely that anyone would take off her pants and actually look there," Hiruzen said. "She's got no family and most others would be uncomfortable inspecting such an intimate spot."

"What about a doctor?" Mikoto asked.

Hiruzen sighed. "I looked into the reports. She's the daughter of an Iwa missing-nin and a now-deceased Konoha Kunoichi. If this seal was really placed here by Orochimaru, then he probably wasn't expecting the missing-nin to kill his girlfriend, thus leaving Naya in someone else's custody.

"Even if he did...Konoha doesn't have the best social service system. We have one orphanage, and the second one is being built. If you're an orphan on the street...you _stay_ an orphan on the street. You grow up, and you're unlikely to become much more than a homeless beggar. No one cares about the orphaned children who live on the street, they're seen as no different than stray dogs. Naya's lucky that the Police Force just happened to be monitoring her street when the incident happened."

Mikoto nodded. "It's true. If a child without a Clan is orphaned, they're likely to end up on the street. I remember the huge rise in orphans after the Kyuubi attacked."

"Our one sole orphanage could only take so much," Hiruzen agreed.

"I..." Naya broke in. "I'm lucky?"

Mikoto frowned. "In some ways you are, Naya...but in many, you're not. Look at life brightly, okay?"

Naya nodded. "Yes, Mama."

And Mikoto's heart melted.

"Mama, Gampa?"

"Yes?" Hiruzen asked.

"Can I put on my pants now?"

"Oh, yes."

After a silence, Mikoto cleared her throat. "Well, Lord Hokage, what now?"

The Hokage leaned back in his chair, his eyes closed as he thought. Finally, they flashed open.

"It's about time Jiraiya came back to the Village."

* * *

 **Izumi walked** into the Village's main market, her eyes set in determination.

 _Now,_ she thought, _who's handsome?_

She eyed everyone in the crowd.

 _No. No. No. Meh. Too many scars. Too short. Too tall. That guy looks like a murderer. **That** guy looks like a rapist._

Finally, she spotted them.

 _They're perfect!_

And so, with a rare amount of confidence, Izumi Uchiha (I repeat: _UCHIHA)_ walked right up to the group of stunningly handsome men, held out her hand to the one that seemed to be the leader of the group, and said, "Mr. Hyuuga, would you and your friends be interested in joining my Reverse-Harem?"

All the talk in that general vicinity immediately ceased. Pale violet eyes regarded her cooly.

"And who are you?" the man asked calmly.

"Izumi Uchiha," Izumi answered, a large smile on her face. "And, if everything goes well, your future girlfriend."

The Hyuuga smirked. "My my, aren't you a confident one."

One of his friends snorted, which was an odd sight coming from the usually dignified Hyuuga (not that Izumi could say much, seeing as Uchiha usually don't go around asking people if they were interested in joining harems).

"Heh, she's got a backbone," the other one said.

"Ignore her," the final member of the Hyuuga trio remarked calmly.

The other two ignored him.

"You seem pretty," the leader mused. "My name's Katashi Hyuuga."

"And mine's Naoki Hyuuga," the other broke in.

"It's wonderful to meet you Katashi, Naoki."

"What the hell are you two doing?" the third one growled. "Are you out of your minds?"

"Chill Rikuto," Naoki said as he smiled at Izumi.

Seemingly in sync, Naoki and Katashi took a sip from their water bottles.

Izumi blinked. "...are you two twins, by any chance?"

"Yep," Katashi said smoothly. "Old stick in the mud over there's our younger brother."

"My name is Rikuto," Rikuto snapped.

No one was listening to him though.

"You should be careful with the water, you know," Izumi said. "Someone dumped a bunch of food coloring into it."

"A little bit of food coloring isn't going to bring _us_ down," Naoki reassured.

Izumi giggled.

Katashi grinned. "Looks like you've got yourself two new members."

 _"You're actually going to join her goddamn harem?!"_ Rikuto demanded.

Once again, no one listened to him. Rikuto's eyes narrowed. Something was wrong here. This wasn't how his brothers normally acted.

 _What the hell is going on?_

* * *

 **Sakura stared** down at Chino's trembling form.

"Report."

Chino winced but nodded. "The only one we got an answer from was the _Murasakino-me._ It was a single message that can only be opened by you, Lady Sakura."

"Give it here."

Chino nodded once again. She handed the purple scroll over to Sakura. It was so small that it fit neatly in the palm of her hand. The eye printed on the front seemed to stare deep into her soul.

Sakura wasted no time in undoing the seal. She whipped it open and her emerald orbs scanned the one sentence written in it.

 ** _A mole has dived into the river._**

For a second, all was silent.

Then-

 _"GET EVERYONE WE HIRED WITHIN THE LAST **MONTH** IN HERE **NOW**!"_ Sakura roared.

Chino hastily bowed, then ran out of the room to do her given task.

Sakura grit her teeth. In a fit of rage, she punched the wall.

Her fist went right through.

"When I find this _mole_ that has decided to dive into my river... _may the gods have mercy on their soul."_

* * *

 **"You sure** you're okay, Kakashi?"

"...I'm fine, Asuma."

"What's with that weird look in your eyes?"

"...It's nothing."

"And why are you talking so dramatically?"

 _"Just let me go goddammit!"_

"If you say so..."

* * *

 **Sasuke watched** Izumi Uchiha charm two members of the Hyuuga Clan into her Reverse-Harem with a raised eyebrow.

"Wow, I can't believe that they actually agreed," he muttered.

Naruto took another lick from his blueberry ice cream. "At least they aren't stick in the muds."

"That's the thing, nearly all Hyuuga are stick in the muds."

Naruto raised his eyebrow. "Nearly?"

"Well, Hinata's an obvious exception, and even the Clan Head isn't that bad...well, as long as you don't offend him."

"Aren't all Clan Heads like that?"

"No," Sasuke said. "The Inuzuka Clan Head, Tsume Inuzuka, is really laid back. Shikaku Nara of the Nara Clan finds it hard to care even if you do say something that should probably offend him. Shibi of the Aburame Clan is strangely understanding. He's a lot like Shino, though that's probably because they're family. They say that the Aburame are the most neutral of all the Clans. They don't really pick sides, instead deciding to stay out of it."

"They sound super chill," Naruto said, dragging Sasuke away from the mystified crowd.

"No...I'm telling you, something's _not right_ with them. They're too... _unified._ Every Clan has at least _some_ dissonance in it. The Aburame...it's like they're all part of the same entity. And many know things they're not supposed to." Sasuke paused as the duo veered into an empty street. "How do I put this...

"Okay, I was once working with Shino on a project during the Academy. We had to stay after class to sort everything out. As soon as we were finished, Shino's mother walked in." Sasuke stopped. "Like, the _moment_ I made the last pencil stroke, she was suddenly right next to me. I wanted to be polite, so I acted like I didn't notice. She was actually pretty nice but she seemed to know me in a way that she really shouldn't. She brought us snacks. Melon, I think, for Shino. And...

"And she brought me tomato onigiri," Sasuke said that last one softly.

Naruto stared at him, confused. "So? That's your favorite food, right?"

"There has only been _one_ time when I told someone other than you, Sakura, and my mother what my favorite food was: the Academy introductions." Sasuke took in a deep breath. "Naruto, this incident happened during our fourth year."

All was silent.

Finally, Naruto started. "Are you saying-"

 _"Naruto~! Ducky~!"_ a familiar voice sang.

Sasuke turned towards the voice, startled. "Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi jumped down from the roof of the building next to them, a smile on his face. "There you two are! Do you know where Pinky is? I want to teach you guys something today!"

Something about his voice was off. Sasuke stepped back slightly.

"I'm pretty sure that she's at her house right now," Naruto said. "Besides, didn't you say that we had today off?"

"Always expect the unexpected," Kakashi replied solemnly.

"But then doesn't that make the unexpected expected?"

"...anyway," Kakashi continued, "come on! It's learning time!"

"What are we learning?" Sasuke asked warily. His instincts were screaming _NOT RIGHT NOT RIGHT!_

Kakashi giggled. "We're going to memorize the whole Shinobi Manual!"

Naruto blanched. "OH _HELL_ NO!"

Kakashi shook his head. "Too bad. Come on, now, let's go!"

Sasuke discreetly fingered his kunai and Naruto went on fuming. "THERE IS NO WAY YOU'RE MAKING ME READ THE WHOLE GODDAMN SHINOBI MANUAL YOU GODDAMN GOT THAT GODDAMMIT?!"

"That was way too many goddamns in one sentence," Sasuke muttered.

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GODDAMN CARE?"

Kakashi's face hardened. "I said," Kakashi repeated, his voice as cold as ice, _"let's go."_

And that's when Sasuke drew his kunai and launched it at Kakashi. Naruto, his eyes widening, dropped his ice cream and sent three more at their sensei.

Kakashi was gone before the kunai were within half a meter of him.

The blunt end of a kunai hit the back of both their skulls.

They fell to the ground.

Right before he fell unconscious, Naruto caught a glimpse of his eye-smiling sensei.

 _"Now, we can't have soldiers who don't listen, can we?"_

* * *

 **"Lord Hokage,** the message has been sent to Jiraiya of the Sannin!" a Chuunin said.

Hiruzen nodded. "Dismissed."

"Yes, Lord Hokage!" With a blur of motion, the Chuunin was gone.

Mikoto, who had Naya sleeping in her lap, shook her head. "How long until he gets here?"

"Anywhere from an hour to a week."

"You really have no idea where he is, do you?"

Hiruzen sighed. "One of my students is a rogue ninja. The other has been scarred so much that she is unable to call her birth village home. The final one wanders the Earth waiting to find the purpose in life that I was supposed to give him." He leaned back in his seat. "Tell me, Mikoto, am I as horrible a sensei as I am a father?"

Mikoto bit her lip. "Honestly, from what I've heard so far, you need to be kept away from children in general."

Depression lines slammed over his face. "I-I see..."

Mikoto laughed sheepishly. "Anyway, about the food coloring in our water...was it really necessary to put that in all of our pipes?"

Hiruzen, coming out of his gloom, shook his head. "I was tired of everyone complaining so much. I needed to prove a point. Trust me, Mikoto, the water is perfectly safe to drink. I've been drinking the water, and I'm fine."

Mikoto looked him up and down. She took in his wrinkled face, bags, and twitching fingers (which were probably protesting the amount of paperwork he had to do).

"I wouldn't say that you're fine, Lord Hokage, but I agree that it has nothing to do with the tap water."

Aaaand, the depression lines were back.

There was a knock on the door. Seeing how Hiruzen didn't look like he was going to respond, Mikoto yelled, "Come in!"

In walked a man in a medical uniform. He bowed.

"I was requested to do a check-up for a young girl named...Naya?"

Mikoto nodded, gesturing to Naya who was still asleep in her nap. The man nodded back.

"I'll start setting up. Can you wake her up for me?"

"Of course." Mikoto gently shook Naya. "Come on, honey, it's time to wake up." Naya's eyes remained shut. Mikoto frowned and shook her again. Then again harder.

Naya's eyes remained closed.

Mikoto looked back at the medic. "She's not waking up."

The medic blinked. Then he jumped into action, packing up everything he had taken out and scooping Naya out of Mikoto's nap.

"I'll take her to the hospital. Please come with me so that you can fill out all the information possible about her."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Oh, and the name's Hosho."

* * *

 **Itachi Uchiha** was having a very bad day. First of all, he woke up with a huge hangover. After stumbling into the bathroom and throwing his guts up, he realized something.

 _I can't remember anything past my third cup of sake._

But he brushed it off as him just being a lightweight. It was his first time drinking, after all. Honestly, he had been tipsy after barely a sip of Vodka.

Then he walked back into his bedroom and found a note sitting on his nightstand addressed to him. In his own handwriting.

 _That's kind of weird._

He opened it and read it's contents.

 ** _Dear not-drunk_ _!me_ _,_**

 ** _I promised to help Izumi build her Reverse-Harem. We're in it. Recruit Shisui and Sasuke. Maybe we can corner Shisui._**

 ** _Remember, I promised!_**

 ** _Love,_**

 ** _Drunk!you_**

 _...what the ****?_

And so that's why Itachi had broken into his brother's room. Maybe he knew what was going on.

Except Sasuke wasn't there.

That in and of itself wasn't exactly surprising, considering the clock read that it was around three p.m.

So Itachi went to find his mother.

Who also wasn't home.

So then he approached his father at the Police Station.

Who was too busy to get out anything more than an "I don't know."

And so he decided to approach Sakura.

Except all the doors were locked and the sound of chaos could be heard from even outside of her house.

 _Yeah, I'm not getting involved in **that.**_

And so he went to the final place he could think of: Naruto's house.

Before he could even knock on the door, it was opened by a frantic Iruka.

 _...okay then._

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I can't find Naruto anywhere!" Iruka said.

"I can't find Sasuke, either," Itachi said.

"Something's wrong!" Iruka said.

"I can tell," Itachi said.

"And the author is using 'said' way too much," Iruka pointed out.

"Not anymore, apparently," Itachi replied.

"Anyway, we have to find them," Iruka vocalized.

"...vocalized?"

"I don't even know."

"I see."

And so they searched the Village.

"Where do you think they are?"

Itachi sighed. "I don't know, Iruka-sensei."

"And don't call me _sensei,_ it makes me feel old."

"...but you're older than me."

"That doesn't mean I'm old!"

"You're twenty-five, right?"

 _"I'M NOT OLD!"_

"I never said you were," Itachi reassured. "I was just asking."

Iruka sniffed. "Yes, I'm twenty-five."

Itachi nodded, making a mental note of that.

"...why did you want to know?"

"Well, Iruka-sensei, it's always nice to know these kinds of things about your comrades."

 _"I SAID STOP CALLING ME SENSEI!"_

It took two hours before they approached a clearing near the banks of the Ha River.

"LET US GO, SENSEI!"

"WE'LL REPORT YOU FOR THIS!"

"Now, Naruto, Ducky, why so mad? You've got to learn this at some point...why not now?"

Itachi and Iruka's eyes met.

 _That sounds off._

 _Yeah, let's go make sure nothing's wrong._

And so they carefully made their way over to the voices. They looked through the foliage.

Naruto and Sasuke were both tied to a tree stump. Kakashi was standing in front of them, reading monotonously out of the Shinobi Manual. Then, when he was finished with the page, he would ask them to repeat the page word-for-word. If they didn't...

"STOP DRENCHING US!"

"Maa, calm down, Ducky. How else am I supposed to punish you?"

When they finally correctly did that, he asked them to say the whole manual, from the beginning to where they had left off, word-for-word.

Unsurprisingly, they weren't past the third page.

"...and a Shinobi mustn't ever lose sight of themselves, nor the mission..." Kakashi droned on.

Itachi and Iruka's eyes met once again.

 _Should we-_

 _We probably should-_

 _What's gotten into-_

 _I don't know-_

 _I'm definitely reporting him-_

Before they could do anything else, Kakashi suddenly turned towards them.

"Naruto, Ducky, looks like we've got visitors."

Naruto stopped ranting. "Eh?" He turned to where Itachi and Iruka were hiding. Before his eyes could focus on them, though, they were gone.

Itachi was suddenly next to Kakashi, slashing down with his sword. It was still in its sheath, though, so he probably wasn't aiming to do much more than knock him out.

Kakashi ducked out of the way, flinging a kunai at his attacker.

Itachi dodged, flipping backward, his eyes narrowed.

"Kakashi, are you out of your mind-"

"You interrupted my teaching time!" Kakashi spat, uncovering his Sharingan. "I'll kill you!"

Itachi, his eyes reflexively entering the Sharingan state, watched as Kakashi sped through a few hand seal.

 _Ox, Rabbit, Monkey...no..._

"Raikiri!" Kakashi yelled.

 _At least I've got a cool new jutsu to work with._

Itachi choked as Kakashi's hand went straight through his chest. Blood fell from his lips.

Only for him to burst into a flock of crows.

Kakashi's eyes narrowed.

 _Genjutsu._

"Kai!"

Shock ran through him when, as soon as the genjutsu melted, a dozen small fireballs came hurtling towards him.

"Fire Style: Phoenix Flower Jutsu!" Itachi cried.

Gritting his teeth, Kakashi went through a few more hand seals.

 _Tiger, Hare, Boar, Dog._ "Earth Style: Mud Wall!"

A wall of chakra-enhanced dirt rose against him and the balls of fire. It withstood everything except the final one.

Cursing, Kakashi jumped backward onto the Ha River.

 _Tiger, Snake, Rat, Snake, Tiger._ "Water Style: Water Wall!"

Itachi clenched his jaw as his last fireball couldn't pass the wall of water.

Kakashi eye-smiled a patronizing eye-smile.

But then he collapsed. He was on his hands and knees for about a second, trembling, before losing control of his chakra and falling into the _Ha_ River.

Itachi, eyes wide, immediately ran over and jumped in after him. It might have seemed like an odd thing to do, but Kakashi himself had trained Itachi on the whole _Those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash_ thing.

 _Damn you, Kakashi!_

After about ten seconds, Itachi re-emerged from the yellowish waters, dragging Kakashi out by his hair.

Once they were on the shore, Kakashi collapsed onto the ground. His hands and the skin surrounding his eyes, the only parts of him that were visible, were covered in large bumps and his skin was an angry red.

Kakashi was flailing, evidently struggling to breathe.

Iruka, who had freed Naruto and Sasuke, came over, took one look at Kakashi, and asked, "What's happening to him?"

"Hives and anaphylaxis," Itachi said, hoisting Kakashi onto his back.

"Severe allergies? What's the allergen?"

"If I'm not mistaken, it's the food coloring in the _Ha_ River."

Iruka nodded.

"Iruka-sensei, take Sasuke and Naruto to my house so they can dry off. I'll take Kakashi to the hospital."

"Be careful, Itachi."

"I will."

Itachi disappeared in a Shunshin, not really caring if it gave Kakashi nausea. The only thing on his mind as of current was getting him to the hospital quickly.

Back in the clearing, the three shinobi stood in silence.

Finally, Naruto said, "So, Iruka-sensei, you and Itachi-"

"Shut up," Iruka and Sasuke snapped in unison.

Naruto laughed sheepishly.

* * *

 **Sakura tapped** her foot on the ground. Eleven people were gathered in her office, all of them trembling.

"Hello," she said, her voice sugary sweet, "I hope you all are doing well."

"Yes, Lady Sakura!" everyone said nervously.

Sakura nodded. "Good, good." She paused. "I suppose there's no reason to beat around the bush. It seems that one of you is a mole."

Everyone but one person froze.

Michi Tanaka took a step backward, his eyes wide in fear. "How did you know?!"

Sakura smirked. "A little birdy told me."

Michi fell to his knees. "Lady Sakura, I'm sorry I lied! Please forgive me!"

Sakura's smirk turned into a snarl. "Everyone but the mole, _get out."_

Everyone, relieved that she hadn't singled _them_ out, immediately followed her order.

Michi winced when the door slammed shut.

 _"It's time you started talking, **mole."**_

* * *

 **Itachi sat** in the waiting room of the hospital, staring intensely at the clock.

 _Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick..._

"Mr. Uchiha," a voice said. Itachi looked up.

"Yes?"

"On behalf of Konoha, I thank you."

"...why?"

"Mr. Hatake is, indeed, allergic to what was dumped in the water. We looked into it, though, and found something else. The water is actually contaminated with a poison that we failed to identify. It's undocumented and nearly unrecognizable. It slowly wears away at your common sense, making you act in ways that you typically wouldn't. We've sent a messenger to the Hokage to shut down all access to the _Ha_ River."

Itachi blinked. "So Kakashi..."

"Was not only severely allergic to the mild poison, but also particularly susceptible to it."

 _So **that's** why he was shoving the Manual into to Sasuke and Naruto's faces...and why he threatened to kill me over something like that._

"So...I'm a national hero?"

"It seems you are, Mr. Uchiha."

"Nice."

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that looks suspiciously like Hell (probably because it is):

 **Mizuki sat** on the uncomfortable obsidian bench, squashed in between a man with the build of a sumo wrestler and a woman who looked like she was from the Warring Clans Era.

The room was in absolute silence, a mandatory rule set by the demons guarding them.

Finally, a man walked through the far door of the bomb shelter.

"All clear."

The snake-guy who had brought him here let out a sigh of relief. He turned to the many squished humans. "Alright, you get _five minutes_ to relax before we continue our trek to the Land of Nightmares. If I see any funny business...don't think I'll get punished for throwing you into the line of fire."

Many winced at his grin.

"Well, go on, maggots."

He then turned around and continued to talk in a hushed voice with the demon who had announced their safety.

Mizuki stayed seated, but a lot of people stood up and started talking to each other.

 _God this is boring._

"Hey, broody."

Mizuki's head snapped up. A woman with the same color hair as him and yellow, cat-like eyes stared down at him.

"What?" Mizuki asked crankily.

"Well, aren't you a feisty one."

Mizuki grit his teeth. "What do you want?"

The woman chuckled. "Fine, I won't tell you about the war."

Mizuki's eyes widened. "What war?"

"Didn't old snake eyes over there tell you?" the woman asked. "Well...there's an uprising going on. The rebels from the Land of Pain are trying to overthrow the hierarchy, and we're stuck in the middle of it."

Mizuki scowled. "Wars, huh? Looks like no civilization can escape them."

"You got that right, broody," the woman laughed.

"My _name_ is Mizuki Saito."

The woman paused. Then she grinned. "I'm Yumiko Himura. It's nice to meet you, Mizuki."

* * *

 **A man** with a messy white mane walked passively in the forests of the Land of Rice.

"Wonder how long until I reach the Land of Tea..."

The cry of a hawk broke him out of his reverie. He glanced up as it circled over him.

He held out his hand and let the bird land on it. Carefully taking the message off of his leg, he let the bird fly back to its home.

He unfurled the letter.

 ** _Your presence is required in Konohagakure no Sato. Return immediately._**

 ** _Threat Level: S_**

 ** _Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Sandaime Hokage_**

Jiraiya the Sannin sighed. "There has been way too much plot this chapter."

The narrator agreed.

The author didn't really care.

The narrator insisted that the author not be this serious again.

The author reluctantly agreed but refused to go back and change the chapter because she was too lazy.

Jiraiya...was so done with this.

"Well, time to head to Konoha."

 **\- End of Chapter Five -**

 **= End of the River Arc =**

* * *

 **kunoichiareboss** **: Thank you, I try. And you're idea intrigued me, so it would have been a sin not to write it.**

 **TubfullofDishes345 : I, too, wept like a little baby. You are not alone. And I've also come across that website. Everything seems seedy when it's in a language you don't know. It's still seedy, though. Anyway, thanks for the compliment! (As for Koko ruling the world...you've given me an idea. I love it when that happens!)**

 **: Me exactly while writing chapter four.**

 **MrBogus : Thank you! "This is a unicorn henged into a pen" might have been the best idea I've ever had if I were being honest with myself.**

 **So that was quite the chapter. Took forever to write but I feel like it was worth it. Anyway, the first arc in this story is done! Next up is the Wave Arc! I just need to figure out how to write it out...and don't worry, I've got plans. BIG plans.**

 **Also, it might take a while because I'm going to be planning out a whole arc. The River Arc was very spur-of-the-moment and not-at-all planned. I hope you all still enjoyed it, though!**

 **Remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review!**

 **Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	7. That One Filler Chapter

_So...basically someone dumped a bunch of an unidentified poison into the Ha River. Kakashi was especially susceptible to it and led to its discovery. Also, Izumi has recruited some new members into her harem. Let's move on!_

* * *

 **Chapter Six:**

 **That One Filler Chapter**

 **"...how is** she?!" Mikoto yelled as she burst through the doors. The two ninjas holding her back didn't stand a chance.

Hosho sighed. "Fine."

"...what do you mean? How is she _fine?_ She wasn't waking up!" Mikoto said as she stared at Naya who was unconscious on a hospital bed.

"And she still isn't. From what we can tell, she's perfectly fine. Her heart is beating, her brain's working like it's supposed to, even her reflexes are stellar. She seems perfectly healthy. We've checked for every poison we know of and for several genjutsu. Nothing. It's like she's just sleeping."

"And the seal?"

"That's what I was checking before you _knocked out the guards and broke down my door."_

"I wasn't—"

"Yes, yes you were."

"You don't even know what I was going to—"

"I knew exactly what you were going to say. Now either get out or stay quiet."

"Why can't I _help?"_

"Are you trained in medical ninjutsu?"

"No, but—"

"Then you need to sit down and shut up." Hosho was suddenly assaulted with a full Sharingan gaze.

"I'm sorry," Mikoto said sweetly, "what did you say?"

"...please sit down so I can properly continue my work."

"That's what I thought."

* * *

 **Itachi's walk** home from the hospital consisted of dodging several shinobi who were hopping around the Village with packs full of antidotes—in hindsight, maybe taking the rooftops wasn't a good idea. Walking through the district and into his house wasn't bad. Sasuke was there, too, so that was a relief. As Sasuke bit into his onigiri, Itachi asked, "Where's Mother?"

"She rushed Naya to the hospital."

"Oh. Is everything alright?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I don't know. I just happened to pass by her when she was running through the streets with a medic who was holding Naya."

"I see. Well, I hope she's fine."

"Yeah," Sasuke mumbled, "me, too." Itachi shook his head and walked towards his room. As he walked past the kitchen, though, he saw something. There was a note on the refrigerator door. Curious, he walked over and read it.

 _ **Dear not-drunk!me,**_

 _ **We're out of milk. And chocolate. And ice cream. And basically everything worth eating. Be a dear and do some grocery shopping. Thanks!**_

 _ **Love,**_

 _ **Drunk!you**_

"...okay, something isn't right."

* * *

 **Suyo glanced** at the figure who was hunched over in the cell. It was hard to see him in the dim light, but he was already informed of who he was guarding— _Michi Tanaka._ He was a traitor for...Suyo didn't know, actually. Michi had experienced a panic attack before Sakura could extract any useful information. When it became clear that he wouldn't be saying anything until he calmed down, Lady Sakura sent him down to the Dungeons. Honestly, the place was so ominous that it _deserved_ to be capitalized, what with the stone-cold walls and the stench of death, but that was beside the point. No, Suyo was _glad_ that the traitor was in the Dungeon. He deserved it— _no one_ messes with Lady Sakura. The trembling man chose that man to glance up. When he saw Suyo, his eyes went wide.

"I'm sorry!" he wailed. "I didn't mean to cause trouble—"

 _"You're a mole."_

"I know I'm a mole but please give me a second chance! I promise I'll be honest this—"

"No," Suyo snapped. "You had your chance and you took advantage of Lady Sakura's goodwill!"

Michi once again buried his head in his arms. "I didn't mean to! Lady Sakura was so nice! It was my first day out of the forest and Lady Sakura picked me off the streets and gave me some warm food and clothes and..." his voice trailed off into unintelligible sobs.

"Why did you betray her if she was so nice to you?"

A pause. "I...I didn't realize that it would be that big of a deal—"

"You're a mole, a _traitor, a_ _ **spy**_ — _"_

"Wait," Michi said, his head snapping up, "I may be a mole but I would never sabotage Lady Sakura and spy on her!"

Suyo stared at him. "What the hell are you talking about? You're a mole, a _spy!"_

"No, I'm just a mole!" Silence.

"...as...as in the animal?"

"Yes," Michi said quietly. "Did you really think I was a spy?"

"Everyone thinks you're a spy. Wait, how can I trust you?"

Michi stood up and shakily made a hand seal. "Release!" He went up in a puff of smoke and when the smoke cleared...he was gone, replaced by a mole. Suyo stumbled backward in horror.

"Dear Kami," he muttered, "you're an _actual_ mole! What the _actual_ hell?!"

Michi's little mole hands formed into the same seal and he yelled, "Henge!" He was once again a normal human man. As Suyo continued to stare at him in horror, Michi glanced away, a scowl on his face. "That's why I didn't tell anyone. Everyone says that all humans are speciesist."

"A-And by everyone you mean...?"

"My friends and family back home."

"Where's your home?"

"The Forest of Death."

"I'm going to need a minute to process all of this..." Suyo promptly proceeded to fall face-first into the ground. Michi winced from inside his cell.

"Wait, if I become a mole, I _should_ be able to squeeze through the bars..." he mused. Well, food for thought.

* * *

 **Naruto cautiously** opened his window and glanced outside. When he was positive that no one was watching him, he let out a sigh of relief and climbed out, using his chakra to stick to the wall. _Three stories is a piece of cake,_ he thought as he hauled his pack up onto his back. He quietly closed the window and made his way to the ground. _Almost there, just gotta—_

"Naruto?" a voice asked hesitantly. Naruto's head snapped up and his eyes widened when he saw Ino Yamanaka looking out a random window and staring at him. "What are you doing?"

 _Think fast!_ "What do you _think_ I'm doing?"

"Sneaking out of your house to visit a secret gambling ring."

"Um...no?"

Ino rolled her eyes. "I figured. What are you _really_ doing?"

"I'm, uh, visiting the library."

"Nice one."

"What's so bad about going to the library?"

"Nothing. The fact that it's _you,_ though, is highly suspicious."

"Fine, I'm heading to the Academy to meet Iruka-sensei." _There, that's a plausible excuse!_

"Didn't he just drop you off at your house an hour ago?"

"How did you know that?"

"I know a lot of things."

"Well, you see—" His pack chose that moment to fall off of his back. Without thinking, Naruto held his arm out. Red Kyuubi chakra burst from his limb and grabbed the pack. Ino stared.

"Naruto, what the hell is—"

"Ino," a baritone, chilling voice echoed from inside the apartment Ino was in, "the blood has been gathered and we're ready to begin the ritual." Naruto stared.

Silence. Ino cleared her throat. "You heard nothing and I saw nothing."

"Agreed." Ino and Naruto both turned and got the hell out of there.

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it was):

 **Mizuki stumbled** next to Yumiko, exhaustion clinging to every fiber of his being. It had been a few months and throughout the whole thing, they had been traveling non-stop. It really shouldn't have taken this long get to the Land of Nightmares. Of course, _that_ was the moment that his foot decided to get caught on a rock—or maybe the petrified heart of a damned soul—and he fell forward. Luckily, Yumiko decided to grab his arm and keep him from making an embarrassment of himself again. She tended to do that. Sometimes. Other times she would just let him fall and laugh along with everyone else.

"Come on, broody, we've got to keep moving," Yumiko said cheerfully.

Mizuki sighed. "Why is it taking so long to get there?"

The leader of the group, the snake-guy, answered his question. "One day on Earth is a year down here. We've been going for a few months so it's been a few hours up on Earth. Everything is adjusted to scale. If we were on Earth and had departed from," he glanced at Mizuki's dented and dusty forehead protector, "Konoha, we'd be maybe a mile or two from the Village walls. The distance from your section to the Land of Nightmares is in scale with the distance from Konohagakure to Osoro in the Southern Land of Wind."

Mizuki scowled. "Who the _hell_ thought this was a good idea?"

Snake-guy rolled his eyes. "The Shinigami, who else?"

"Well," Mizuki huffed, "I'd like to speak to this _Shinigami_ and give him a piece of my mind." Just to add emphasis, he stomped his foot on the ground. As soon as his foot made contact, though, the land beneath their feet shook. It was only for a second or two, but after it stopped, everyone was silent. Mizuki stared at his foot. "Did I...?"

Then there appeared a blinding flash of light causing Mizuki and many others to let out a cry of pain. When it disappeared, there was a...a _monster._ It towered over them. Its skin was the color of burnt wood and its hair was white and violent with blood-red horns poking through. Its sclera was pitch-black, it's pupils a pale yellow, it had a white robe draped over its being and, most terrifying of all, it held a black sword in its mouth. Snake-guy trembled. "L-Lord Shinigami."

The thing— _the Shinigami_ —ignored him, though. Instead, it slowly took the sword out of its mouth, eyes searching the crowd. Finally, they zeroed in on Mizuki. The Shinigami leaned down, eyes narrowed, until it was eye-level with Mizuki. Then it asked, _"How did you summon me,_ _ **filthy human**_ _?"_

And Mizuki certainly didn't pee his pants.

Okay, maybe he did.

But only a little bit.

* * *

 **"Mrs. Uchiha?"** a voice asked urgently. Mikoto let out a groan as her eyes fluttered open. "It's important!"

"Yes," she said groggily, "what's wrong?"

"Doctor Hosho found something...disturbing." That snapped her awake.

"What is it?"

"Just come with me." After she finished untangling her limbs from the chair handles, she hurried after the nurse.

"How bad is it?" she asked.

"Very."

"Can you fix it?"

"As far as we can tell, no one short of Lord Jiraiya can fix this. We've taken precautions, though."

"What precautions?" The nurse glanced at her then turned away and silently opened the door to Naya's hospital room. Mikoto's heart skipped a beat. Naya was sitting up in bed and happily chatting with an extremely nervous Hosho, but the precaution... "Why is she blindfolded?" The nurse laughed, somewhat embarrassed.

"Doctor Hosho will tell you."

"Only if you keep Naya entertained," Hosho shot back. The nurse nodded and walked over, starting a conversation with the young girl. Something about harvesting chives...or was it sharpening knives? Either way, it wasn't important. Hosho motioned her to come out of the room then quietly said, "She's a plant."

"...I don't know, she seems pretty sentient to me."

Hosho's eye twitched. "I _meant_ that Orochimaru placed her to gather information."

Mikoto's eyes widened. "She's a spy?"

"Not _exactly._ You see, the seal has been connected to her sight. Anything she sees, Orochimaru sees. She's completely oblivious, though. We told her that we performed some eye surgery and that she needs to keep her eyes covered so they can heal."

"So that's why she's wearing a blindfold."

"We're still doing checks. We've only confirmed that her sight is compromised but we have yet to check her four other senses or, most importantly, her memories."

Mikoto was silent, then shook her head. "I'm assuming that you won't let me help do the research?"

Hosho's lips thinned. "I already told you, you're not a qualified medic. I'm out of my realm of knowledge as it is—seals have never been my forte. Unless you've extensively studied them—"

"I haven't," Mikoto sighed. "I understand." Without another word, she walked back into the room where the nurse continued to chat with Naya.

"Now," the nurse said, leaning in close to the girl, "once you've got the knife in, you want to twist carefully otherwise the guts will be damaged and you don't want that because you'll be using them later—"

"What are you talking about?" Mikoto asked, slightly concerned.

The nurse blinked. "Oh. I was teaching her how to pit an avocado."

"That's what I thought. Try teaching her something she'll _really_ use in her life." A pause. "You know, like gutting an actual _person."_

The nurse turned his head away, abashed. "Right," he said, "I'm sorry. I'll do that next time." Mikoto let out an irritated sigh. Honestly, the young people of today had no common sense—not even Itachi! At least her Sasuke was sane.

* * *

 **Kakashi Hatake** hated hospital food. Kakashi Hatake hated hospital beds. Kakashi Hatake hated hospitals in general. Most of all, though, Kakashi Hatake dreaded the medical bills he'd be receiving. Even with insurance, he was sure that he'd probably have to sell his apartment and live on the streets for a while. Maybe one of his students would let him stay with them...

Something caught his eye(s). The window, it wasn't locked. A glanced around the room confirmed that the door was closed and no one was watching him. Kakashi eyed his IV drip. _It's not like removing it will kill me..._

Less than five minutes later, the IV drip was no longer attached to anyone, the room was empty, and Kakashi Hatake was reveling in his freedom.

* * *

 **Sasuke was** enjoying his onigiri when someone started pounding on the front door. Sighing, he set down his food and opened the door. He was immediately greeted by someone shoving four vials of liquid into his arms. Then the woman asked, "Where is Itachi Uchiha?"

Sasuke stared. "What?"

"I need to speak to Itachi Uchiha."

"Why?"

"A message from the hospital."

"Well I'm sorry but he went to get some groceries."

A pained look appeared on her face and she glanced back at her pack. It was filled to the brim with more vials that she was probably on a time-restraint to deliver. Finally, she turned back to Sasuke and hesitantly asked, "Do you happen to be a shinobi?"

"Yeah, I'm a Genin."

"Well, I suppose I can trust you. Kakashi Hatake has escaped from the hospital. Someone wanted Itachi Uchiha to track him down. Please pass this message on to him."

Sasuke sighed. "I will, Sayaka Yuiru."

"You're welco— Hey!" she screeched as she snatched her wallet out of Sasuke hands. "Why'd you take my wallet?!"

"How else was I supposed to know your name?"

 _"You could have asked!"_

Sasuke frowned. "Where's the fun in that?"

"You are insane!"

"Why, thank you." The girl's face went red in fury but she just turned around, grabbed her pack, and shunshined away. Sasuke blinked. "Hey, what the hell am I supposed to do with this liquid?!" No answer. Sasuke slowly grinned. "Joke's on her, I got her house-keys!"

* * *

 **"Hey, Naruto!"** Shisui yelled brightly. "It's been a while!"

"It's been less than a week," Naruto deadpanned. Shisui shook his head.

"Still, though. Anyway, you're a Genin now! Are you going to try some alcohol?" Shisui gestured to the rows upon rows of booze behind him. "Come on, I've got everything you've ever dreamed of! Vodka, whiskey, every obscure beer, it's all here! You can even half garden-variety _sake!"_

Naruto scowled. "No thanks, I'll stick to milk."

"But _why?!"_

"My brain power is already less than average. I don't need to screw my brain over even more."

Shisui sighed. "Fine, whatever." As he languidly poured Naruto a glass of milk, something caught the blond's eye.

"Hey, Shisui, why are there cookies on the counter?"

Shisui perked up. As he handed Naruto his glass, he said, "Well, everyone likes booze, but everyone _also_ likes cookies. I figured that if I combined them they would magnify each other's awesomeness."

A smile grew onto Naruto's face. "You, my friend, are onto something." He grabbed a cookie from the jar, bit into it...then spit it out like it was burning hot. "Shisui," Naruto asked quietly, "is this a _raisin_ cookie?"

"Yeah, why?"

"How dare you!" Naruto screeched.

"What the hell is wrong with a raisin cookie?!"

"One does not simply put _raisins_ in _cookies!"_

"Yes one can and it's _absolutely delicious!"_

"Die, you heathen!"

Someone in the back of the room yelled, "Kill the heathen!" Cheers resounded but, instead of targeting Shisui, everyone took the opportunity to punch the person sitting closest to them.

Shisui sighed. "See what you did, Naruto? You should have just shut up and let your amateur taste-buds revel in the holiness that is raisin cookies."

"You little—"

Shisui's Sharingan promptly sprung to life as he stared hard into the crowd. The fighting stopped in less than five seconds. "Now," he said serenely, "clean up the mess you made unless you want to end up in the dumpster out back." In another five seconds, the place was once again spotless. Rolling his eyes, Shisui turned back to Naruto. "Now, what should I do to make you see the truth?"

Naruto didn't say anything, though. He stared straight into Shisui's eyes, his own wide in horror and...rage? The marks on his cheeks thickened, his teeth sharpened, and his cerulean orbs bled into red. Naruto stumbled forward and Shisui back up a bit, shocked. The blond looked him straight in the eyes and growled, " **Goddamn Uchiha**." He then proceeded to fall to the floor, unconscious.

Shisui stared. "Okay, then..."

* * *

 **Kakashi wandered** through the streets, his wonderful book in his hands, ignoring the horrified stares of anyone who realized how little his hospital gown left to the imagination. As he flipped the page, he heard a scream. Kakashi wilted a bit. _I have to make sure that no one's in mortal danger, don't I?_ Putting his book away, he walked over to where the scream originated. Instead of finding some gruesome murder scene, he found Jiraiya, an angry red imprint of a hand on his cheek, and a glaring woman. The woman dusted off her clothes, spit in Jiraiya's face, and proceeded to stalk off. Kakashi walked over, a bit concerned.

"Lord Jiraiya, are you alright?"

"I'm never getting a girlfriend..."

Kakashi sighed. "Maybe, but you could sign my book."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Absolutely nothing." He holds out a pen and his book and stares expectantly.

"Yeah, sure, anything for a fan." He grabs the book, signs it, then asks, "What's your name?"

"...Lord Jiraiya, don't you remember who I am?"

"I mean, I might, but my vision is a bit blurry."

"I'm Kakashi Hatake."

"Oh! Minato's student!"

"Yes, Lord Jiraiya."

"I see, I see." A pause. "Why are you wearing a dress?"

"It's a hospital gown."

"Why are you wearing a hospital gown, then?"

"Because I'm highly allergic to whatever poison someone threw into the _Ha_ River."

Jiraiya stared. "Dear Kami, Old Man Sarutobi wasn't joking when he said it was an S-rank threat."

"This is Konoha, something weird like this happens every other week."

"True."

* * *

 **Itachi Uchiha** came home to an empty house. Sasuke left a note explaining how he was searching for Kakashi. That wasn't what was disturbing, though. No, the most disturbing part was the note Itachi had found on his nightstand.

 _ **Dear not-drunk!me,**_

 _ **So, you know that guy that we really hate? The one that's on the Civilian Council? Yeah, I kind of killed him so you might want to make sure that no one figures it out. Good luck!**_

 _ **Love,**_

 _ **Drunk!you**_

Yeah, something definitely wasn't right. Itachi didn't remember a single thing. No faint memories, no random flashes of noise or _anything_ relating to the supposed murder of Kayasuko Kagiyama. And now he was a wanted criminal.

 _Goddammit._

 **\- End of Chapter Six -**

* * *

 **AngelFallenDemon** **: ...that sounds amazing! I will definitely look into it!**

 **TubFullOfDishes345** **: Thanks! And that honestly perfectly described my Team Seven.**

 **LookOutReader** **[for ch. 2]: Thank you for reading!**

 **LookOutReader** **[for ch. 3]: I completely agree.**

 **Monster King** **: Uh...I don't know about soon, but I sure as hell continued it! I'm glad you liked it!**

 **Ugh, sorry about those weird two months of inactivity. I had something written out, then I lost the document. I moped for a few days, then started it again. I lost my love for it and when I went back to find it, I lost it once again. At that point, I was completely done and I just spent a month telling myself "I'll write it eventually!" and never actually writing it. I managed to write this, though. It's nowhere** _ **near**_ **the quality I wanted it to be, but I'm just happy that I finally wrote something. Anyway, I know that I promised to dive into the Wave Arc but this ended up happening instead. I'll probably start the Wave Arc in the next few chapters, though. But don't worry, I've still got plans. BIG plans.**

 **Anyway, remember to Favorite, Follow, and Review! Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	8. In Which Everyone is Screwed

_I'm gonna stop doing recaps. I'm sorry, I just can't._

* * *

 **Chapter** **Seven:**

 **In Which Everyone is Screwed**

 **Naruto Uzumaki** was not at all amused. It had been exactly three hours and forty-two minutes since he lost consciousness and started falling through the endless dark void, and he had yet to stop. _Three hours and forty-eight minutes._ Scowling, Naruto tried to figure out when his life went so wrong. Seriously, he was a gambler and best friends with a mafia boss and a thief/assassin. No, wait, he remembered. It was that one time way back when. Well, maybe he shouldn't have— HOLY CRAP THE GROUND!

It came so fast that Naruto didn't have any time to prepare. He hit the ground hard and expected to feel a piercing pain of some sort—or maybe lose consciousness again—but instead, it just felt like he fell. No pain, just a slight discomfort and some shortness of breath. Deciding not to look a gift horse in the mouth, Naruto stood up and examined his surroundings.

"That's weird," he muttered, "how'd I end up in a sewer?" He was up to his ankles in crystal-clear water that gave of an eerie orange glow. "Radioactive?"

" **So you've finally arrived?"**

"Wha— Oh Kami it's the Kyuubi!" Naruto scrambled backward in horror. "Where did you come from!?"

" **I've been here the whole time."** The fox leaned closer. " **You, however, have not. Come closer, child, let me help you."**

Naruto scowled. "I'm not stupid!"

" **Are you sure about that?"**

"Hey!"

The fox sighed. " **What a shame. You would have tasted marvelous, too."**

"You were gonna eat me!?"

" **No, I was going to eat your astral projection."**

Naruto frowned. "Oh, right, you're sealed in me, aren't you?" A pause. "Wait, are we in my gut!?"

" **No, you chicken, we're in your mind."**

"But my mind's up in my head and the seal is on my stomach!"

" **Your mind and your brain are different things, little chicken. Besides, do you think that demonic father of yours somehow managed to seal me, the great Kyuubi, into your intestines?"**

Scowling, Naruto screeched, "Demonic father? You're the demon here!"

The Kyuubi pulled its lips back in a snarl. " **Wrong, you featherless chicken. I'm a mighty being made completely of chakra. Demons are very different, indeed."**

Naruto opened his mouth to yell at the fox some more, before realizing something. Suddenly subdued, he said, "Hey, why aren't you like, you know," he waved his arms around a bit, "trying to murder me?"

The Kyuubi snarled a bit, before putting its head onto its paws. " **Won't do me much good. There's a seal on the gate. I'm spending the rest of your puny little chicken life trapped by this seal."**

"What gate?" Naruto asked blankly; as far as he could tell, the Kyuubi was out in the open, just sitting there—which is why he had panicked so much when he first saw it. The Kyuubi stared at him a bit, eyes squinting. Finally, it got up and stood on all fours, making Naruto flinch a bit. "E-Eh?"

" **You truly are an idiot, aren't you? You can't control your own mindscape—even your fire hazard of a mother could do that. What a pathetic little creature I have been sealed into."** The Kyuubi turned around to walk off into the darkness, but Naruto stopped it.

"Hey, you didn't answer my question! What gate!?" _It said something about me not being able to control my mindscape. What if I accidentally got rid of it or something?_

The Kyuubi paused and looked back at him, its red eyes glowing. " **Oh,"** it said sarcastically, " **you just have to believe."** Then, with a low, rumbly laugh that shook Naruto to his very core, the beast bounded off into the darkness.

Naruto stood there, infuriated. "Believe?" he hissed. "What the hell kind of explanation is that!?" He ran forward to try and catch up to the fox—an idiotic endeavor that would never pay off—but then ran into something. Again, it didn't hurt, but Naruto bounced backward and fell on his butt. Cursing, the blond opened his eyes to see what he had run into, only to find empty space. "Eh?"

A bit more cautious, Naruto stood up and slowly walked forward, his hands held out in front of him. After a few steps, he felt it—cold metal, even when there was nothing in front of him. Pulling his arms back, he muttered, "'Believe,' huh?" Naruto smiled. "Well then, I 'believe' that there's a, uh, gate in front of me!"

Nothing. Naruto scowled. "I said, I believe there is a gate in front of me!" Again, nothing changed. Naruto put his hand up again, just to confirm that he hadn't imagined the metal. "I believe there is a gate in front of me!" This time when nothing happened, Naruto flew into a rage. Kicking the invisible metal, he yelled, "Show me the goddamn gate!"

It flared to life in front of him, sending him reeling backward. A blood-red gate stood in front of him, strong and proud—and he was a bit too close for comfort. Suddenly exhausted, he panted and looked up at the bars. Indeed, in the center of the two gate doors was an incredibly complex seal that seemed more like art than a battle tool. The gate itself was so tall that it disappeared into the inky blackness above. From inside its confines, Naruto could hear the Kyuubi start laughing again.

"Yeah, I'm outta here." Silence. "Wait, how do I get out of here!?"

* * *

 **Shisui was** scowling, completely convinced that some higher being was making his life harder than it had to be. Naruto was still in his arms, snoring away. Numerous attempts to wake him had failed and Shisui was getting desperate. Charging up to the man who was sitting behind the front desk, Shisui said, "Hey, I need some help!"

The man barely glanced up from the paper he was writing on. "I see. Please sign in at the front desk and then—"

"Isn't this the front desk?"

The man let out an irritated sigh and looked up at him, completely unimpressed. "No, this is the staff-management desk. They moved the front desk."

Shisui blinked. "Why?"

"How the hell would I know? I just work here."

Naruto shifted slightly in Shisui's arms, filling him with a new sense of panic. "Okay, where's the new front desk?"

The man just pointed to the far wall. "Follow the signs."

"Thanks," Shisui said as he quickly walked over to the signs. Scanning them, he found himself completely confused. The signs "ER" and "Front Desk" both pointed to a wall. "Uh, Sir—"

"Look," the man said, "I don't have time for this, kid. I don't care if your friend is unconscious or whatever, I have a job to do."

Shisui suddenly realized why he was so lost on how to talk to this man— _he doesn't know who I am._ Everyone knew who Shisui Uchiha was, and they all respected him greatly. Even more, most people would completely panic at the sight of an unconscious Jinchuuriki. This man, though… "You don't know who either of us are, do you, Sir?"

"Should I?" he muttered, looking back at his paper.

"No, I guess. What rock have you been living under?"

"I wasted the last decade of my life in medical school, so I'd say education."

"We should hang out sometime."

"Get your little friend to the ER first, kid."

"Where is—"

"Follow the goddamn sign."

Shisui's eye twitched. _Fine, I'll follow the sign._ Without even giving it a second thought—or taking common sense into account—Shisui Uchiha ran straight towards the wall at which the sign was pointing, completely determined to bring the entire damn thing to the ground. He closed his eyes, waiting for impact...but it never came.

Shisui landed on the floor, stood still for a second, then cautiously opened his left eye. He was standing in a long hallway. He turned around, only to find a wall. "Huh. Genjutsu. That was smart." Silence. Then, "Why the hell did they genjutsu a hospital!?"

Naruto shifted again, and softly murmured, "Chicken…"

"Oh, right, medical emergency."

* * *

 **Hiruzen Sarutobi** took a puff from his pipe, then regarded the two men standing in front of him. "Jiraiya," he said, "it's good to see you again."

The white-haired man grinned. "Same to you, Lord Third."

Hiruzen then turned to Kakashi. "What are you doing out of the hospital?"

Kakashi gave him a wounded look. "I don't get a greeting?"

"If you don't get back to the hospital, you'll definitely be greeted by the Shinigami."

(Somewhere in Hell, the God of Death sneezed, right onto a trembling Mizuki.)

"I'm perfectly healthy," Kakashi said, "see?" He did a little twirl and bowed, but the Third gave him an unimpressed look.

"I humbly request that you stop flashing my citizens."

"This is my body and I'm not ashamed."

Hiruzen cleared his throat. "Right. Anyway, Jiraiya, what I have called you here for is quite urgent, so if you will come with me to the hospital—"

"Hospital? Welp, I'm outta here." Kakashi promptly disappeared in a swirl of leaves, leaving the two remaining men in silence.

Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed. "At least we only have authorized personnel now. Jiraiya, tell me, what do you know so far?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "You want me to investigate the whoever threw poison into the Ha River, right?"

Hiruzen paused. "...right. That is exactly what I called you here for. In fact, I have everything set up exactly the way it was. Nothing has been touched in preparation for your arrival." Nodding to himself, the Third took another drag from his pipe.

His student stared at him, completely unimpressed. "You didn't think to look into who threw the poison in the River, did you?"

"I never said that."

"Why'd you really call me, Sensei?"

Hiruzen cleared his throat. "In addition to your investigation into the Ha River incident—"

"You should really assign that to a professional instead of someone who doesn't know squat about poison."

"—you will be investigating what appears to be one of Orochimaru's attempts to spy on the Village."

Jiraiya paused, squinted at him, then muttered, "You know, every time I come to Konoha, it's because of some Orochimaru disaster. Or sometimes it's because of some sealing mishap."

"This time, it's both."

He raised an eyebrow. "As in they're happening simultaneously or there's one problem that includes them both?"

"The second one."

"Something tells me that I won't like this."

* * *

 **Itachi walked** through ANBU Headquarters, head held high. He had found that people would always assume that you belong somewhere if you look like you have somewhere to be. And, indeed, no one questioned him. Besides, even if someone did arrest him, he wanted it to happen out in the light, not in that old abandoned sewage pipe that he had holed up in while trying to calm down. It worked, and the rats were good company, but now he had to make sure that he really was a criminal because he highly doubted that he had the coordination to kill someone while he was drunk.

So, he casually walked up to the cafeteria, hands in his pockets. Taking a seat next to some recruits, he contemplated whether or not they'd be able to tell that he was grilling them. On one hand, they were ANBU recruits and if the senior members had given them access to the cafeteria, then it must have meant that they were pretty good. Or it could have just meant that they were charismatic. Itachi himself had been an excellent recruit but he didn't have the necessary social skills—or any social skills—to get him into the cafeteria. He distinctly remembered sitting right next to the cafeteria doors doing absolutely nothing until the senior ANBU members finally gave in and let him eat some food.

...on the other hand, they were just ANBU recruits. They weren't full members and they were still in training. Judging by the fact that they didn't have massive dark circles under their eyes, and that they were smiling, Itachi concluded that they were pretty fresh. So, he said, "So, are you two enjoying your stay?"

Both immediately froze and whirled toward him, staring at him with wide eyes. "O-Oh. Hey."

Itachi stared at them blankly for a few seconds, then realized that he approached them much too silently. The poor Chunin probably didn't even notice his presence. That's been happening a lot lately—he's practically announcing his arrival with trumpets to higher ranking shinobi, but the lower ranking ones treated him like some apparition. Clearing his throat, he repeated, "Are you two enjoying your stay?"

After a bit more staring, the one with the black hair and blue eyes smiled. "Yeah, we are. It's really nice here, and I respect all the work you guys do."

Ah, so he was the talker. "I thank you for that. And what do you think about the kind of work us ANBU do? Is it what you expected?"

He smiled wider. "Yeah, it's what we expected. The workload is pretty heavy but we can handle it, right, Sen?"

The orange haired girl nodded happily, continuing to munch on a cookie. "Yeah, Ken."

Despite himself, Itachi raised an eyebrow. "Are you two related?"

"No, why?"

"No reason. Anyway, what missions have they got you working on? Or are there any that interest you?"

Ken nodded. "We're mostly shadowing other ANBU teams, mainly ones who are escorting clients, and we really enjoy getting to see the experts at work—"

"Well, actually," Sen said, "it would be nice if—"

Ken promptly reached over the table and covered her mouth with his arm, still smiling brightly at Itachi. "We enjoy it."

"...I see." Itachi leaned forward a bit. "You still haven't told me about the missions that interest you."

The two glancing each other, having a thinly-veiled conversation about whether or not should actually tell him what they want. Sen seemed to win out, though, and Ken said, "We'd really liked to take part in the murder investigations."

Itachi hummed. This didn't sound promising. "Aren't the murder investigations handled by normal Chunin squads?"

Ken had a bit of a deer-in-headlights look, but recovered admirably well. "Sir, we're talking about the murders of more high-profile figures. You," he said, his voice suddenly a whisper, "like the one of Kayasuko Kagiyama—" Ah, yes, there it was. "—and Danzo Shimura."

Itachi was glad that he was a highly trained member of ANBU—and good with dealing with shock—because what the actual Hell? Danzo was dead? How had he not heard of this before? Not hearing about Kagiyama was understandable—he was fairly low on the ladder, even in the civilian council—but Danzo? Itachi was an ANBU Captain, he was supposed to be informed of things like this. His face, however, stayed perfectly calm. "Is that so? Well, that's nice to know." He stood up, smiling faintly at them. "It was nice to meet you two."

"You, too, Sir," Ken said, practically glowing.

"Have a good day, Ken, Sen."

"Thank you, Sir!"

As Itachi walked away, he could hear Ken whisper to Sen, "We had that interview in the bag." Itachi, in his expert opinion, could say that no, they did not. Not only had they failed to recognize that they were being interrogated for unknown purposes, that girl was also wolfing down the doughnuts. ANBU doesn't allow members who hoard doughnuts—it was just the way of the world.

Moving on, Itachi pondered other things, such as: _How the hell did I kill Danzo Shimura?_ Sure, Itachi liked to think that he was good at his job, but Danzo Shimura good? Was that even possible? He was one of the most powerful members of Konoha—both politically and physically—bar the Hokage himself. Moreover, why did drunk!him not tell him? This seemed like important information, the kind you tell your sober self. Itachi had yet to come up with an answer. However, the universe had one for him.

When Itachi Uchiha got home, he found yet another note wedged behind the ancient box of dog food from before Sasuke's dog had "run away." It read:

 _ **Dear not-drunk!me,**_

 _ **So, you know that other guy we really hate? The one on the Shinobi Council? So, I kinda sorta killed him, too. I didn't really think ahead so you might want to flee the country.**_

 _ **Love,**_

 _ **Drunk!you**_

Itachi promptly threw the piece of paper into the trash, sat down on his couch, and then sobbed like there was no tomorrow because—for him, at least—there probably wouldn't be one.

* * *

 **Sasuke Uchiha** was minding his own damn business when someone scooped him out of his tomato garden. In normal circumstances, Sasuke would turn around and try to figure out who the hell thought it was a good idea to kidnap the son of the Uchiha Clan Head. However, Sasuke didn't really care that much, so he just delivered his kidnapper a swift kick to the abdomen. He could feel them wince in pain, but they refused to let him go. Then he smelled the dog hair on him, put two and two together, and screeched, "Let me go, Kakashi-sensei!"

"No can do, Ducky. I need to get us a mission."

"But aren't you supposed to be in the hospital?" Sasuke seethed. This was mildly annoying and that in and of itself was quite impressive. "You're pretty allergic to whatever was thrown into the Ha River."

Kakashi snorted, continuing to fly from rooftop to rooftop, Sasuke thrown over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Please, I need to be everywhere but the hospital. I'm pretty sure that I'm already bankrupt, so either you let me live with you or we get a decent paying C-rank."

Sasuke paused, contemplating, before realizing that he was stupid and said, "Let's get a mission."

"That's what I thought. Do you happen to know where Naruto and Pinky are?"

"Not really," Sasuke muttered. Then, "Can you please stop flashing me?"

"...I'll get some clothes. Eventually."

So Sasuke kept his mouth shut and wondered when his life had gone so wrong. No, wait, he remembered. It was that one time way back when. Ugh, of course he was screwed.

* * *

 **Suyo slowly** blinked the sleep out of his eyes, only to be confronted by a tiny rodent. "Agh!" He scrambled backward but the thing clutched his shirt, refusing to let go. "Get off, you—"

"Calm down, Suyo! You're going to kill me!"

Suyo froze and stared at the rodent—mole. Then, slowly, his memories returned. Putting his face into his hands, he said, "So you're really a mole? Like, an actual mole?"

The tiny rodent shrugged. "What else would I be?"

"I...suppose that you're right," Suyo sighed. "Can you please turn back into a human—"

"Back into? I'm a mole, Suyo, I can't turn back into a human. I can turn into a human, not back into—"

"I get it. Can you just do it? That will be easier to—"

The dungeons door suddenly opened and Goryu made his way in, his face covered in lipstick marks. "Suyo, Lady Sakura—" He froze, staring at the blank cell in front of him, then turned to Suyo, who had a deer-in-headlights look in his face. So, Goryu put two and two together and got four. Unfortunately, he should have gotten five. "You let the mole escape!?"

"N-No," Suyo said. "I can explain—"

"I don't need an explanation!" Goryu said. "I've seen enough!" With that, he launched himself at Suyo, only for the larger man to disappear in a puff of smoke, replaced by a block of wood and, strangely enough, a random twig. (In some random forest, a tree fell to the ground.) Cautiously, Goryu approached the two offending items, before kicking the slab of wood. "You won't get far, Suyo. You've meddled in things far beyond your control." Goryu slowly grinned. "Michi Tanaka isn't the only mole in this organization."

He was about to turn away, only to gag at something he saw. "Ugh, something had a crap in here. I need to ask Lady Sakura to get some mouse traps or something…"

* * *

 **Suyo dashed** through the woods, clutching a terrified Michi in his hands. "This is all your fault!" Suyo said. "Now I'm on the run and Lady Sakura will think I'm in league with you!"

"I didn't mean to do that!" Michi wailed, his huge mole hands covering his eyes. "I just wanted to be something more than just a mole! My dad wanted me to be a loner, you know? He said that he wanted me to be better than he was, and he wouldn't listen to me when I said he was—"

"I don't need your life story!" Suyo snapped. "Just be quiet. Someone might think I'm doing something nefarious!"

"But you're not! You're just running through the woods with a mole in your hands— Okay, I see it now."

Suyo wanted to stop right there and slam Michi into a tree. He'd watch as Michi stumbled around, trying to see something, only to realize the futility because he was a mole and his eyesight sucked. He wanted to go back to Lady Sakura and grovel at her feet and explain everything, but he was a decent person, so he kept Michi secure in his arms and continued to run off into the distance, farther and farther away from his home.

Safe to say, Suyo was not having a good day.

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that looked suspiciously like Hell (probably because it was):

 **Mizuki Saito** trembled. All he could register were the red eyes staring straight into his soul and the fact that he had, to put it eloquently, screwed up. He had screwed up so bad that he would die today. Never mind the fact that he was already dead, he was sure that the Shinigami would think of something.

The monstrous face in front of him contorted into what Mizuki vaguely recognized as irritation as it repeated, " _How have you summoned me, filthy human?"_

Recognizing that silence probably wasn't the best answer to the death god, he opened his mouth to denounce every sin he had ever committed, only for his throat to emit a high-pitched keening noise that he would deny admitting until the day he died—once again, ignoring the fact that he was already dead. Mizuki stumbled backward, ready to apologize profusely, only for the Shinigami to go back to its full height, looking at him with satisfaction. " _I see, you're half-Yokai."_

Mizuki froze in place for obvious reasons. "L-Lord Shi-inigami, I can assure you, I a-am very much human." _Please don't eat my face off._

The Shinigami regarded him, squinting its eyes. They were black as night, yet cloudy. Then, putting on some spectacles that appeared out of nowhere, it resumed its inspection. He took them off, threw them into the air behind him, and said, " _No, I'm positively sure that you're half-Yokai. Noppera-bo, correct? The lack of a face is a dead giveaway."_

There was a bit of silence before Snake-guy cleared his throat. "L-Lord Shinigami, he has a face."

The Shinigami's mouth curled into a frown. " _Nonsense. He clearly lacks a face. Are you saying I can't see?"_ The Shinigami's tone said that it meant it as a joke, but the silence from the group was telling. The Shinigami didn't seem to notice, though. " _What's a yokai doing down here? You should be in Yomi."_

Snake-guy, realizing that arguing about whether or not Mizuki had a face was a non-starter, decided to change topics. "But he's only half-Yokai, My Lord, and he lived his life as a human. Not a particularly good one, either. That's why he's here—"

" _He's half-Yokai, he would end up here regardless. He should have been sent to Yomi. I should whip whoever sent him to punishment. Half-Yokai are protected by the law!"_

Snake-guy desperately said, "My Lord, he tried to murder three children—"

The Shinigami, however, wasn't listening to him. It just continued to mutter to itself before declaring, " _Come, young Yokai! I'll take you to Yomi! You have suffered enough injustice! I can feel it! Your rage is what gave you the power to summon me, correct?"_

Now, a good person would have disagreed, would have explained the truth, and would have possibly inquired about whether or not it was time for the Shinigami to get a new eyeglass prescription. Mizuki, however, was not a good person, so he just nodded. "Indeed, My Lord! I was positively infuriated when they shoved me into eternal punishment! The inhumanity! I do hope that you'll look into the utter morons who have ruined my last year and a half."

The Shinigami nodded, seemingly forgetting all about his denial of being a Yokai. " _Of course. Let's go."_ It turned to Snake-guy and said, " _And I will be filing a complaint with you."_

Snake-guy just stared at it blankly. The Shinigami, satisfied, whirled its hand, and it and Mizuki popped out of existence. All was silent for a bit until Yumiko shrieked, "Did he abandon us here!? He did, didn't he!? Oh my god, the next time I see him I'll—"

"Stop," Snake-guy said, tired. "Just...just stop. Let's set up camp. I'll probably lose my job by morning, anyway."

Yumiko scowled while many other members of the group also let out cries of disdain. "We've still got some life in us, Snakey."

"My name is Tanin," Snake-guy said. "And you're all dead."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Tanin just sighed. "Set up camp."

The group grudgingly agreed. As Yumiko continued her work, though, she noticed something. "Uh...Tanin? It's morning. Wait, no, it's night...and it's morning again. What the hell, why is it snowing!?"

Tanin just put his face in his hands. "Lord Shinigami forgot to set time back to normal, didn't he?"

"That thing's got a gender?"

"...no, not really."

"And what does this mean?" another member of the group demanded, pointing at the rapidly increasing blanket of snow on the ground.

"It means we're experiencing an entire year in a human day."

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that didn't look like Hell (despite being in it):

 **Perhaps the** fact that it was snowing, or that night and day were flitting by a bit too quickly, should have been worrying to Mizuki, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Here he was in this high-tech, futuristic city, guaranteed protection from enteral—or, rather, twenty centuries of—eternal punishment, and he refused to look a gift horse in the mouth. So, he walked happily beside the Shinigami, chatting amicably.

"So, My Lord, why is it snowing?"

" _It happens,"_ the Shinigami said, waving him away. " _You know, the seasons and stuff."_

Not caring enough to further pursue that line of conversation, Mizuki just nodded. "So, you got a girl?"

The Shinigami laughed heartily. " _I don't date! The last person I dated tried to murder me!"_

"But you're literally the death god, My Lord."

" _And that's why I still live and she doesn't!"_

Mizuki grinned. "Nice to know, My Lord." The inane conversations continued on until the reached a building that towered over all the others. Despite how excited he should be, Mizuki couldn't help but feel a sudden sense of dread. "My Lord, what is this building?"

" _This is the home of the government that rules Hell. We're going to meet Izanami, Hell's ruler. She will grant you citizenship when we explain the situation to her."_

Izanami. That name sounded familiar. As Mizuki entered the building, he said, "Can you tell me more about Izanami?" He discreetly eyed the massive fountain of blood in the middle of the lobby, trying to not be disturbed.

The Shinigami hummed. " _She is the god of death—"_

"I thought you were the god of death."

The Shinigami ignored him. "— _and she is quite powerful. Definitely could destroy the entirety of Hell."_ Mizuki's stomach dropped. " _She's extremely calm and caring...unless you mention her ex-husband, then she goes into a serious rage."_

"Oh. I will remember not to do that."

" _It's in your best interest. Don't do anything stupid, my friend. She is your quick-pass to citizenship. Trust me, you don't want to go through all the bureaucracy."_

Mizuki tried to control his breathing. This was okay. Sure, Izanami was the all-powerful ruler of Hell, but it wasn't like she would be able to tell that he wasn't half-Yokai, right? (Mizuki might be a horrible human being, but he sure as hell wasn't stupid. So, he internally sobbed.)

The Shinigami went over to the front desk and said to the attendant. " _I'm here to request a meeting with Queen Izanami."_

The three-eyed woman behind the desk just said, "Queen Izanami is unavailable. I apologize for the inconvenience, Lord Shinigami."

The Shinigami paused. " _But it's urgent."_

"If you want to approach her while she throws a tantrum about Lord Izanagi, go right ahead."

The Shinigami turned around. " _Izanami seems to be indisposed at the moment."_

"...I see."

" _Worry not, my friend. You can stay with me until she's available. You don't mind interacting with my tenant, correct?"_

A bit confused, Mizuki said, "Of course not, My Lord."

The Shinigami smiled. " _Wonderful."_ With another swirl of its hand, a door appeared in front of them. A sign was hanging on it which read, in flowery calligraphy, "Break the door and I'll break your spine."

"How lovely."

The Shinigami snorted before opening the door. Mizuki smiled weakly and walked inside. The first thing he noticed was the tasteful furniture. The second thing he noticed was Minato goddamn Namikaze lying down on the couch, reading a novel of some sort. The Fourth Hokage, without even looking up from the text, said, "You forgot to pay the water bill again."

" _Oops. Sorry about that."_

And Mizuki promptly fainted.

* * *

 **Sakura sat** at her desk, twirling the pen in her hand. She really didn't know why she was bored. After all, she had a bit of a crisis on her hands. (Vaguely, she wondered when her life had gone so wrong. Wait, no, she remembered. It was that one time way back when.) The mole had escaped along with another traitor—a man she had previously considered her most trusted servant. The pen promptly broke in half under the force of her glowing green glare. "Monsters, the lot of them," she muttered. She no longer knew who to trust. If Suyo was an undercover operative, then everyone else could be one, too. Well, she could trust her mother—

No, her mother couldn't handle this kind of stuff. She was already inconsolable at the prospect of Suyo being a traitor. (Strangely enough, she had seemed completely unfazed by her father's death, instead encouraging Sakura to take after his footsteps. Sakura was sure that there was something there, but she didn't have the mental capacity to think about it at the moment.) Sighing, she continued to stare blankly out the window—

—only for Kakashi and Sasuke to come slamming into the room, shattering her precious window in the process. Sasuke screamed, "Put me down, you're going to kill me!"

"Nonsense, you're in great hands!"

Sakura just sighed. "Put him down, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi pouted. "You're always so mean to me, Pinky." Nevertheless, he placed a mildly annoyed Sasuke on the ground.

"What do you two want?"

"We need to get a C-rank," Kakashi said. "I'm sure that you have very important things going on, but I'm practically broke, so—"

"Sure," Sakura said.

Kakashi blinked, confused. "You're agreeing just like that?"

"I need to get my mind off of this right now."

"But still—"

"Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke said, "don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

"...fair enough. Ducky, Pinky, off we go!" He promptly jumped out of Sakura's shattered window, leaving the two thirteen-year-olds alone.

Sakura hummed. "Why is he flashing all of Konoha?"

"Because he's Kakashi-sensei."

"Good point." She suddenly turned to him, face serious. "Sasuke, I have a job for you."

The smile melted off his face and he crossed his arms. "Explain."

"I know the Chisana Shinigami can steal goods and kill a man, but I wonder how well he is at stealing men."

Sasuke made a noise of interest. "I'm listening."

Sakura grinned, all teeth. "Good. Two men are on the loose: Michi Tanaka and Suyo."

Sasuke tilted his head, leaning slightly against the wall. "Suyo? You've gotten yourself into quite an ordeal, haven't you?"

"You have no idea. So, can you do it?"

"Of course I can. When do you need them?"

"When can you get them?"

"...how about we talk later?"

"Of course," Sakura said. There was a beat of silence, then, "The last one to wherever the hell Kakashi-sensei's going has to wrestle him into some clothes."

"Oh, you're on, Pinky!"

* * *

" **What do** you mean he's 'perfectly fine'?" Shisui demanded. "He's unconscious! He won't wake up!"

The nurse just stared at him, completely unimpressed. "I'm sorry, Sir, but he's in perfect health. As far as we can tell, he's just a deep sleeper. If you want, we can throw a bucket of water on him."

"I don't care what you do, just get him awake before all of Konoha riots because the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki is unconscious!"

The nurse rolled his eyes and walked into the bathroom. He returned with a tub full of water which he poured unceremoniously onto Naruto. The blond sat upright with a huge gasp, screaming, "Shut the hell u— Oh, I'm out."

Shisui stared at Naruto, eyes wide, before looking back at the nurse, who was giving him a smug grin. "See? He was just asleep."

Ignoring him, Shisui crouched next to Naruto, patting his soaking wet shoulder. "Hey, you good, kid?"

Naruto scowled before shoving his hand away roughly. "No! I was just stuck in my mind with an annoying fox that keeps calling me a moron and it's all your fault!"

Shisui blinked. "How is it my fault?"

"It's your Sharingan! I've never been exposed to it before and the Kyuubi must have sensed it! It sent up a bunch of its chakra and I fell unconscious!"

"How do you know that?"

"...I mean, it's kind of a guess, but it's highly plausible!"

"Highly plausible isn't enough to blame me!" Shisui retorted. "'Innocent until proven guilty,' you know?"

"All I know is 'alive until dead' and I sure as hell don't like seeing you alive right now."

Shisui pulled back, ignoring the nurse's snickers. "Okay, now I'm hurt."

"That was kind of the point."

"Well," the nurse said, opening the door while trying to stop his shoulders from shaking, "since you two are fine, you can leave."

"Yeah, we should—" Shisui paused. "...that's another wall."

"No, it's a genjutsu," the nurse corrected.

"Stop genjutsuing the entire goddamn hospital!"

"If you have a complaint, take it up with the customer service desk."

"And where is that?" The nurse pointed at the far wall, the one with a window overlooking the merchant district of Konoha.

Slowly, Naruto asked, "Is that a genjutsu, too?"

"No, I kind of just wanted Mr. Uchiha to jump to his death."

Shisui sniffed. "Rude."

* * *

 **Jiraiya leaned** closer to the picture of the seal he had been presented with, inspecting it. Finally, he said, "Yep, that's Orochimaru's handiwork, alright."

"It is," Hiruzen agreed. "So, what do you think it does?"

Jiraiya snorted. "You want me to tell you the meaning of a seal this complex from just a picture?"

Hiruzen took in a deep breath from his pipe, then blew the smoke out in a long trail. "Complex? It doesn't look complex to me."

"Well then, your eyesight is waning, old man. I don't know where Orochimaru learned stuff this complex, but this is a whole new level. I'll have to touch the actual seal to get all the details. This thing has brushwork inside the larger strokes and different brush types, too. It's the whole shebang."

"...you'll have to touch the actual seal?"

Jiraiya sighed. "Yes, Sensei, that's what I said."

"You see, that's a bit problematic."

A frown crossed the Sannin's face. "Why?"

Hiruzen contemplated whether or not he should be telling his student this, then decided that Jiraiya was (hopefully) not a pedophile, and said, "Well…" Judging from Jiraiya's reaction to his explanation he was not, in fact, a pedophile.

Well, that was one less thing to worry about.

 **\- End of Chapter Seven -**

* * *

 _ **Omake:**_

 **The Kyuubi** growled, completely unimpressed at a two-year-old Naruto's inability to handle cards. " **You're a disgrace,"** it muttered. " **Your mother was an amazing poker player and this is how you honor her memory? By being terrible at cards?"** Not that the Kyuubi enjoyed Kushina's poker games, but there was something incredibly satisfying about seeing your landlord taking a grown man's entire life savings in the course of a few hours.

Rising from his resting position, the Kyuubi growled, " **Listen here, chicken, hold the sides of the card, not the middle."** Much to the Kyuubi's surprise, Naruto obeyed. The demon paused for a bit, then said, " **Say 'I'm a brat.'"**

"Um a bat!"

The Kyuubi's lips curled into a grin. " **It's time I teach you how to play poker…"**

And that was how Naruto learned how to gamble. It was truly unfortunate when Naruto suddenly started ignoring the voice in his head, but at least he didn't forget what it had taught him. The Kyuubi didn't regret it one bit.

* * *

 **unifrog1331** **: I, too, love his chill. I'm trying to stay true to how envisioned him when I started this: unintentionally and unapologetically badass. Am I doing it?**

 **Gensuru : I agree, that kind of behavior should not fly in real life. Mikoto did it because she was Mikoto (and I wanted her to be more badass than she was in the anime and I'm still working on how to properly do that) but no one really has the right to butt in on complex medical stuff. And I'm glad that you thought the chapter was fun!**

 **Kifu** **: Thank you, I'm glad that you liked it! I hope that I haven't scared you away with my five months of inactivity...I probably did. But still, thank you!**

 **FabulousMoonie : Thanks for the compliment!**

 **I'M ALIVE.**

 **Guess what's completely unedited. This chapter, that's what, so there are probably a lot of spelling errors in this. I banged this out in the last two days after a sudden hit of inspiration. All I needed was five months of complete inactivity, 'cause apparently, that's how my brain works.**

 **Anyway, I know, Yomi is the entire underworld, not just a city, but I'm blending stuff into this, okay? Also, I tried to not use many italics (sorry, the joke is going to rest) because one day, I was flipping through a book of mine and realized, "Huh, this doesn't have a lot of italics." I went through a few more books and realized that italics isn't really employed that often. So, I'm trying to cut back on them. I feel like the whole thing still works, but if not, please tell me.**

 **Also, I'm sorry about the previously mentioned five months of inactivity. I'll try to be more active but I feel like you guys know not to trust me at this point.**

 **Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


	9. In Which Things Just Keep Happening?

**Shisui walked** through the streets, the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki at his side. One could immediately tell that from the look of pure rage on Naruto's face. Clearing his throat, Shisui tested the waters. "I can drop you off at your—"

"A cookie, Uchiha. You knocked me out because of a goddamn cookie. I don't need you walking me anywhere."

"I didn't mean to!" Shisui insisted. "And I activated my Sharingan to get other people to clean up the mess they made!"

"And why'd they make that mess?"

"Because you yelled something about killing heathens!"

Naruto stared at him expectantly. "And why did I yell that?"

"Because you have a stupid aversion to raisin cookies!"

"Who puts raisins in cookies!?" Naruto demanded. "You're crazy!"

"No, you're overreacting! Raisins have the perfect, natural sweetness that chocolate can never hope to replicate!"

"They're dried, shriveled up fruit! They have no business being in cookies—" A hand came down and gripped Naruto's shoulder, causing him and the Uchiha to blink, pausing their argument. Shisui then glanced at who the hand was attached to.

"Huh. Long time no see, Kakashi."

Kakashi nodded. "Same to you, Shisui." He then promptly picked Naruto up, said something about a mission, and jumped onto the roof of the nearby store.

Shisui sighed as he watched the two of them vanish off in the distance. So there he was, alone. He really, really needed better friends. Of course, that was when someone grabbed him and dragged him into the nearby narrow alley. "I don't know why you thought that was a good idea but—oh, hey, Itachi."

"Shh!" Itachi said. "Are you trying to give away our position!?"

"No, I'm trying to talk to you."

"Well, stop! Come with me, I need some help."

Shisui dearly wanted to know why Itachi needed help but Itachi had also told him that he needed to stay quiet, so he kept his mouth shut. An angry Itachi wasn't worth it—speaking of that, Itachi looked rather frazzled. Another question to ask when they arrived at wherever Itachi was taking him, he supposed. However, he didn't expect for that "wherever" to be an old abandoned sewage pipe. "Itachi, what's going on?"

Licking his lips, Itachi asked, "What would you think if, hypothetically, I told you that I murdered someone?"

"I'd be concerned that you are concerned because I thought you understood that it's part of your job description."

"What if, hypothetically, I had murdered two people?"

"Again, that's kind of your job."

"And what if those two people just happen to be Kayasuko Kagiyama and Danzo Shimura?"

"...hypothetically?" Itachi just fidgetted nervously and Shisui sighed. "I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say that you murdered two high profile members of Konoha's government."

"It was an accident!" Itachi insisted. "I didn't mean to!"

"Accidentally murdering Kayasuko makes sense, he was a civilian, but Danzo? One does not 'accidentally' murder Danzo Shimura." There was a bit of silence before Shisui said, "So, how'd you do it?"

"I don't know!" Itachi moaned. "I was drunk, okay?"

"That kind of makes sense. The first time you were drunk, you asked me out."

A look of absolute horror appeared on Itachi's face. "I did? Why didn't you tell me!?"

"I thought you would have remembered! You only had a sip of vodka and you even spit it out! And yet you still got tipsy. I didn't expect you to be such a lightweight!"

"You," Itachi hissed, "should not have let me out of your sight! I murdered two people, Shisui! I'm quite possibly among the most wanted men in Konoha right now!" He took a moment to violently kick the metal walls of the sewage pipe which did little more than scare away all the rats. "Even more, how come no one from ANBU told me about their deaths!? I'm a goddamn ANBU Captain! I need to be informed about this kind of thing! How else would I theoretically solve the murder and catch the perpetrator!? There is a system for a reason!"

"Stop it, Itachi, you're scaring the rats."

"Screw the rats! I'm just about ready to break down sobbing! My entire life was spent becoming the pride of Konohagakure and now I'm a wanted criminal with a price on my head!" He collapsed on the ground, his head hanging low. Then, slowly, he grabbed one of the rats and hugged it to his chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean it. I promise." The rat squealed and kicked and generally looked very unhappy with its current situation, but Itachi didn't seem to notice.

Shisui stared. "...right. So, you need my help to get out of Konoha before someone finds you?"

"I don't want to be a nuke-nin! I need your help to either solve this mess or cover it up. Preferably solve, but I'll take what I can get."

"You'll have to," Shisui said. "Even if you were drunk, you were still the one who murdered them. The law doesn't care about your lack of alcohol tolerance."

"Well, it should! I don't know what was going through my mind when I was drunk; not when I was killing them, and not when I was asking you out. No offense, but you're not my type! In fact, I'm not even gay! I'm straight! I didn't know that alcohol could change my sexuality—"

"It doesn't," Shisui said blankly. "Or, at least, it shouldn't. Itachi, do you remember anything after your first drink?"

Itachi squinted and looked off into space. "Not much after that man said something about Sakura starting a fight."

"And by 'not much' you mean…"

"I don't have any actual memories, just some random bare-bones facts floating around. After a while, even those went away. It was like I was stuck in my own head, drowning in a sea of black ink. It felt like a hand was holding me down and not letting me go. But then I woke up with a hangover and I was fine." He hugged the rat closer to himself.

"This is way too dark for a crack-fic."

"Yeah, I know, but plot."

Shisui sighed. "Yeah, plot."

* * *

" **So, you** want a C-rank?" Hiruzen Sarutobi asked.

Kakashi nodded brightly, Sasuke and Sakura to his left and Naruto standing his right—he was tied up with a rope, a piece of duct tape covering his mouth, and he glared at Kakashi with red eyes. "Mmmnnmnhhm!" he said.

"Ignore him. He's in a bad mood."

"I see." Hiruzen squinted his eyes at them, then looked down on at their files. "Well, you qualify, so I don't see why not."

At that, Naruto started to jerk around violently. "Mhmhnnnmhhh!"

Iruka, who seemed completely unfazed by the situation, said, "No, I actually think that this is a great opportunity to learn something."

"Mnmhnm!"

"You're probably overreacting. The last time you said that you heard voices in your head, it just turned out to be some stalkers. I'm sure nothing's wrong."

"Mhn!"

"Well, your two teammates and your sensei want to go, so you're outnumbered!" Iruka said cheerfully.

"Indeed," Hiruzen muttered. "Iruka, hand me a C-rank for them."

"Of course," he said, "here's the first one!"

Hiruzen took it, smiling, but the smile melted off his face as soon as he read it. "How about you hand me the second one?"

"This is the only C-rank, Sir."

Hiruzen looked up at Kakashi. "Are you sure that you want one right now? I'm sure that there will be plenty open tomorrow—"

"Give us the C-rank, Lord Third."

Hiruzen grit his teeth, as if trying to gather the courage to do something, but then sighed in defeat. "Tazuna!" he called. "Come on in!"

The door slammed open and a man stumbled inside. His clothes were shredded and stained with—wait, was that blood!? Sasuke, somewhat concerned, asked, "Uh, Sir, are you okay?"

The old man looked up, face blank, then said, "I'm fine."

"But your shirt is covered in blood—"

"It's ketchup."

"It's clearly—"

"It's ketchup. Do you want a taste?"

"No."

"Then why are you interested in my shirt?"

"It looks like it was torn up by blades."

"It's a fashion statement."

"But—"

"Please shut up now." He was drenched in sweat, but he stood up straight, barely panting. "Lord Hokage, I—"

"Ah, yes, Team Seven, you will be escorting this man back to wave." The Third's face was set into a rather strained smile. "Right, Tazuna?"

"...yes," he said, vaguely confused. Then, his eyes widened and he repeated, now louder, "Yes! That is why I am here! So that you can take me to Wave, my homeland! Because I am a...bridge-builder? Yes, a bridge-builder!" He laughed jauntily. "Oh, don't mind me, I just happen to be drunk."

When everyone in the room was facing Tazuna, Hiruzen wildly waved his hands, mouthing, "More!"

"I mean, I happen to be _very_ drunk." Hiruzen nodded and Tazuna followed along. "Indeed, I love drinking! In fact, I'm the town drunk! I once sold my own son for some liquor." Hiruzen frantically shook his head. Eyes wide, Tazuna yelled, "Ha! A joke! That was a joke! I am very funny, I assure you!"

Silence reigned over the room until Hiruzen cleared his throat. "Right, well, you'll be escorting this man back to Wave and staying there until he finishes his bridge. And stop him from drinking."

"Now, let's not get too—"

"Do you accept?"

Kakashi immediately nodded. "Yep!"

At this point, Naruto was desperately trying to wriggle out of his confines, all the while staring at Tazuna like he was a madman. The old man just laughed heartily. "I'm sure that Na—er, the little blond boy and I will get along famously!"

Naruto let out something that sounded like a pained scream, but it was too muffled for anyone to tell.

* * *

" **Well," Jiraiya** said, "the seal is very complicated."

"Yeah," Mikoto muttered, "you've already said that."

Jiraiya frowned. "That's because it is. I'm surprised that anyone was able to decode with without a master sealer on hand. Who was the doctor assigned to this case?"

"Hosho Abe."

"Well, that makes sense. He might not be a master, but his parents certainly were. He has so much potential, it's truly sad that he decided to go into the medical field instead of the sealing arts."

"I'm not inherently better at sealing than anyone else," another voice broke in, "I was just taught by some extraordinarily good people. Medicine was always my calling." Hosho gave them a strained smile. "It's a pleasure to see you again, Master Jiraiya."

"Same here, Hosho."

Mikoto glanced between the two. While Hosho was obviously not very excited to see the Sannin, the Toad Sage seemed absolutely oblivious. "How about you tell us what exactly that seal is doing?"

"Well, her sight is compromised, but so is her hearing. That's it, though."

Hosho considered. "So, is this information sent through a sealing system to its counterpart elsewhere?"

"That's what I'm assuming as of current. Like I said, it's really complex and I've only got the basics of it down. Give me three days, I'll be able to deconstruct it and maybe make a counterseal." He sighed. "Why did Orochimaru have to be smart and tattoo it onto her? If he had just used normal sealing ink, we could wash it off!"

"About that, what's the difference between using normal ink and sealing ink?" Mikoto asked.

"Sealing ink is much better at conducting chakra, which is an essential part of seals. However, it's not as easy to do fast writing with. Normal ink is, and that's what most people use. Originally, all ink was chakra-conductive but it wasn't that efficient for matters that didn't involve chakra."

"Hm, that's interesting."

"Not as interesting as Naya's seal, though. It's horrible and invasive, but it is truly a masterpiece."

"Yeah," Mikoto agreed. "Orochimaru is a monster, but he's still among the greatest minds of our generation."

"How about we stop complimenting wanted criminals and actually get back to the matter at hand?" Hosho asked.

"Of course. I'll be working on completely decoding the seal and making the counter."

"And do you know why Orochimaru put that seal on her? I mean, it has to have something to do with the poison that was thrown in the Ha River—"

"What makes you say that?" Jiraiya asked, leaning back. "This could just be another one of Orochimaru's plans to spy on us. He's done enough of those before—"

"Yes," Hosho agreed, "but I had a friend do some digging on the drug that was in the river and she found a similar drug that was being developed in Kuso. It was halted due to various circumstances...but I've heard rumors that Kuso is where Orochimaru has set up base. So, either this is all just a coincidence—"

"Or Orochimaru is planning something."

There was a small bit of silence before Mikoto sighed. "Well, you two can chuck around more conspiracy theories. Meanwhile, I've got a little girl to help comfort."

"I don't think she needs much comforting," Hosho muttered. "I'm telling you, with all the horrifyingly gory stories she comes up with, she definitely needs to see a therapist."

Both Mikoto and Jiraya stared at him, confused. "What do you mean? That's perfectly normal, isn't it? Sure, my husband and children don't do it, but most shinobi children—"

"Get out before you infect me with your stupidity."

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that didn't look like Hell (despite being in it):

" **So," Minato** said, squinting at Mizuki's trembling form, "he's half-demon?"

The Shinigami snorted. " _Obviously. He doesn't even have a face! It's like I'm the only one around here who isn't blind."_

"No face, huh?" Minato muttered. "How interesting."

Mizuki just continued to tremble. The Fourth Hokage was the Leaf's hero, and Mizuki did not know how to deal with sitting in front of the man whose son he had tried to murder. No, Mizuki hastily assured himself, it was the Kyuubi. He was killing the Kyuubi. He definitely still believed that. It's not like he thought that the stupid blond brat was actually a person— _Goddammit, now is not the time to grow a moral compass._ And, with that, whatever sense of morality that had started to grow in Mizuki's chest died a horrible, agonizing death. _Ah, that's better._ "Yep," Mizuki agreed, doing his best to hide his trembling. "Definitely interesting."

" _Izanami is a bit preoccupied at the moment, so this little person will be staying with us until I officially get him an appointment with her,"_ the Shinigami said to Minato.

"He can become a full-blown citizen then, huh? Even if he committed crimes in the living world?"

" _If he did commit any crimes, he'll be tried as a citizen. You know this, Minato."_ The Shinigami sighed and stood up. " _I need to get back to work, but you two can get to know each other. Knowing Izanami, he'll be staying here for a while."_

Minato whirled around, eyes wide as the God of Death started to light up. "Wait, don't forget to pay the—" the Shinigami disappeared, "—water bill." He frowned. "Damned Death God never remembers to do anything. His poor eyesight is bad enough."

"Y-Yeah," Mizuki muttered. "His eyesight is pretty—"

"Oh, you're not off the hook yet," Minato snapped. "Why didn't you tell him that you, you know, have a face?"

Mizuki swallowed. "Sir, he was my ticket out of eternal damnation—"

"It wasn't eternal, and you lied. First impressions are important and you, Mizuki Saito, did not make a very good one." The Fourth Hokage crossed his arms, eyes scanning his forehead. "Konoha Shinobi, huh? Did the standards for integrity really wane that much?"

No, they had not, and Mizuki used to have to kiss up to all those insufferable morons because of it. "Lord Fourth, will all due respect, why didn't you tell him anything?"

The blond grit his teeth. "It isn't my place. It's your job to make sure that you're not being an indecent person. I can still judge you, though, and believe me, I am."

Mizuki frowned. "You can't just—"

"Also, I don't really like you."

It was so frank that Mizuki actually flinched. "W-What?"

"I said I don't like you. I don't know why, but it's just my gut instinct, and I've come to trust my gut instinct."

And, well, Mizuki could at least relate a bit—for a Shinobi, the gut instinct was a very important thing. Still, he found the idea that the Fourth Hokage, the man who managed to seal the nine-tailed abomination, hated him to be rather frightening. So, after mustering up some courage, he said, "But you shouldn't judge a book by its cover."

"I'm sorry, but if a book cover has two half-naked people in a very explicit position, I will be judging it very much. You are much the same, except if you were a book, your cover would be comprised of a fat old man bullying little children."

And, well, fair enough.

"Now you're just being mean," Mizuki snapped, knowing that most people probably wouldn't find a comparison like that fitting. "I served Konoha until my last breath!" It was a filthy lie, but sacrifices had to be made. "I'm a proud Shinobi and—"

"Quiet."

"Hey, don't interrupt me while I'm trying to defend myself!"

"Shh!" Minato said, his finger held up to his lips. However, there was no look of annoyance on his face. Instead, the blond was glancing at the window. "...do you hear that?"

"What?"

Minato slowly inched toward the window, motioning Mizuki to follow him. The two peered out into the streets below. Mizuki's eyes widened as he saw masses of people clumped into the streets, screaming and running over each other as the weather changed from rain to sunshine to a blizzard. "What's going on?"

Minato looked grim. "A riot, from the looks of it. Probably because the damned Death God ruined the weather cycle so much."

"Can't Queen Izanami do anything about it?"

"She definitely can, but she probably hasn't even noticed it yet. Judging from the way that the Shinigami was talking about her, she must be throwing another tantrum about her husband." He turned and walked toward the door.

Mizuki blinked. "What are you doing?"

"Going outside to try and do damage control. Some of them could get seriously hurt. Come on."

"What? No! I can't just—"

"You're a Konoha Shinobi, yes? Then shouldn't you listen to your Hokage?"

Mizuki scowled. "You're dead!"

"So are you."

"Are we even allowed outside?"

"Well, I'm registered as a human soul that's technically being eternally tortured under the Shinigami. He applied for me to have regular breaks."

"And me?"

Minato tilted his head to the side, deep in thought, then suddenly gave a dazzling smile that would make an angel swoon. "Just tell them you're a Noppera-bo. The lack of a face will definitely back you up!"

And that was when Mizuki realized that the Fourth Hokage was a sadist. But hey, great minds think alike.

* * *

Meanwhile in a place that's between the worlds of the living and the dead (and it's horribly bland):

 **The Shinigami** sighed. It took a checklist out of its pocket, then checked off another soul, and then looked down at the rest of the list. The God of Death instantly regretted it. The list of souls to harvest was already horrifyingly long, and it grew two souls longer every second. Those poor, pathetic little humans. They'd have to wait for it to get to them, and then they'd have to wait to get sorted into Heaven and Hell, and then most of them would be spending a great deal of time in not-so-eternal damnation. It almost made the Shinigami feel sorry for them. Almost.

It put the list away and readied itself for the journey to the next soul, but suddenly there was a pulling in every fiber of its being. A twisting, gnawing, anxiety-inducing feeling that it had not felt in a very long time. Dread pooled in its stomach. _Here we go again._

In a flash, the Death God found itself teleported from the dreadfully boring—though wonderfully peaceful—realm between realities to a stingy little building with a view of a mountain that was horribly familiar. The building itself was old and decaying, and the distinct smell of cup ramen drafted down from the apartment above it. The scent of blood almost entirely overwhelmed it, though.

And that's when the Shinigami locked eyes with its summoner. She was a small child covered in blood, though her blonde hair and blue eyes were clearly visible. Most striking of all was her clothes which were a deep, dark purple. The Shinigami grinned. " _Who dares,"_ it thundered, pulling itself up to its full height, " _summon death itself using such ancient arts?"_

The girl smiled. "I'm Ino Yamanaka, and you're my new patron."

* * *

 **Suyo despondently** fiddled with a stick as he watched the front gates of Konohagakure. The guards didn't seem to notice him and he probably should have been concerned about the massive security risk, but at that moment he was more relieved than anything. At least he could be near the same city as Sakura, even if he wasn't actually near _her._ Next to his feet, Michi paced around. "Are you sure that you don't want to stay with my family? I'm sure that they'd love to shelter us!"

Suyo sighed. "How would I communicate with them?"

"I'll be your translator until you can understand Molish! While it's considered to be the hardest language for native Human-speak speakers to learn, I think that you'll get it in no time—"

"I'm not going to be a mole for the rest of my life, Michi."

"Why not?" he asked. "Being a mole isn't bad! Sure, our eyesight isn't as good as a human's, but the tunnels are dark, anyway. Your eyes won't do you much good." He suddenly paused, craning his neck up toward Suyo's face. "Wait, do you think humans are superior to moles? Because if so, I've got news for you, pal—"

Suyo hastily cut him off. "I never said that! I just don't think that I could adjust to life as a mole very well! Keeping up a Henge for that long would be exhausting!"

Michi suddenly transformed back into a human, making Suyo jump a few feet back. Michi smiled weakly. "You know, that was the same thing that I thought when I first considered running away and disguising myself as a human. Sure, the chakra toll is taxing, but it really helps your reserves. Like, mine are huge now!" He straightened himself. "I saw an opportunity and I took it, and those few weeks where I wasn't homeless were the best weeks of my life. Don't be afraid, Suyo."

Suyo just stared blankly. "I'm not going to become a mole, and that's final. I'm going to clear our names and then we can both go back to Lady Sakura and continue serving her. You said those were the best weeks of your life. Don't you want them back?"

"Yeah, but how likely is it that we'll get them back?"

Suyo turned back toward the gate. "Very good, actually, as long as we take one thing for granted."

"And what is that one thing?"

"That they find the real mole." Michi raised an eyebrow, and then Suyo corrected himself. "Sorry, the spy."

"Well," the mole in disguise muttered, "if that's what you want, why don't we go and find the spy ourselves?"

"As if. Lady Sakura probably has her men looking everywhere for us, never mind the fact that I'm probably already flagged by the government for suspicious activity. It was hard enough getting out of there. If I go back inside those walls, I'll definitely be caught, which would probably delay the investigations into the spy situation. Right now, our best option is to wait it out."

"...that's it? No wacky adventures? No sneaking to the Land of Hotsprings and having the time of our lives? We're just waiting outside these gates?"

"Yes, unless you have a better idea."

"Actually, I do." Michi pointed to the gates that Suyo had once again stopped monitoring. "Why don't we follow Lady Sakura?"

Suyo blinked. "What?"

"Well, she's at the gate with her team and an old man—"

"She's on a mission!" Suyo exclaimed, eyes wide. "If we follow her, we can still at least protect her! You're brilliant, Michi!"

Michi grinned. "Why thank you!"

"I wonder why Naruto is tied up, though…"

* * *

 **Naruto was** having a bad day. Not only was he knocked unconscious because of that goddamn Uchiha and his stupid Sharingan, but he was also kidnapped by his own teacher and then tied up and gagged. Not even Iruka-sensei seemed to realize that his situation was "not good," to put it mildly.

" **Now you know how it feels,"** a dark voice chuckled. Oh, right, and he had a voice in his head that just would not shut up. " **I've been here forever, you featherless chicken. It's just that now you can hear me."**

Naruto once again jerked frantically at his restraints, only causing Kakashi to glare at him. "Calm down, Naruto. If you had been a good little Genin like Pinky and Ducky then maybe I wouldn't have had to tie you up." Naruto snarled, his already dark whisker marks going even darker.

Naruto was not sorry but, in his defense, it's hard not to panic when you hear the voice of a horrifying monster talking inside your head! " **You're overreacting."** And it wouldn't shut up! " **How sad, the little chicken is angry. You're almost cute when you're like that, you know?"**

The Kyuubi was enjoying this way too much.

Sasuke sighed. "Sensei, do you really have to keep him tied up?"

"Yeah," Sakura agreed, "I'm sure that Naruto would calm down if you just promised to release him!" Her eyes then slid to said blond. "Right?"

With all of the Kyuubi's chakra coursing through his veins, not to mention the possibly dangerous levels of adrenalin, Naruto's first instinct was to lash out at everything that even looked at him the wrong way, but then his self-preservation skills kicked in and, after taking a deep breath, his eyes faded from red to purple to blue. His teeth and claws melted away and his whisker marks were no longer as prominent. His eyes still stayed in their glaring, slitted form, though, but it seemed to be enough to satisfy Kakashi.

In less than a second, all of Naruto's restraints vanished, and the Kyuubi let out a sad sigh. " **Well, I suppose that the fun is over."**

Ignoring the beast, Naruto instead whirled around to their client and yelled, "What are you hiding!?"

Tazuna stared blankly and, for a second, blinding rage flashed through those dark eyes. Then comically fake confusion fell over them. "What are you talking about?"

"Your clothes are still bloody and cut up!"

"It's a fashion statement."

"No, it's not!" Naruto snapped. He turned to Sakura. "That's not fashion, right!?"

Sakura frowned. "Let him express himself in whatever way he wants, Naruto. This is a free country."

"No!" Naruto hissed. "This is an autocratic ninja society inside a country that is a monarchy! What part of any of that is 'free'!?"

"You're just jealous because you couldn't pull that off!"

Naruto looked around in disbelief, but it had become abundantly clear that he was the only one who seemed to get the absurdity of the situation. So, he swiped the travel bag that Kakashi had packed for him out of his sensei's hand and gritted out, "Fine. Let's go."

And so Team Seven's journey began.

* * *

 **RainbowStarMountain** **: Thank you! I'm glad that you like it!**

 **Anime Sword** **Weilder : I can relate to waking everyone up with my laughing, and I'm really happy that you like my fic!**

 **This time it only took me two months, not five. I swear, guys, I'm cutting down on my update time. One day, this fic will be updated on a constant schedule! Lmao, that'd be something.**

 **I'm having way too much fun writing Mizuki's sections. Idk I was already planning on giving him a redemption thing, but I did not expect for him to come this far. Also, Minato berating him, and Mizuki's reactions, were really fun to write. I hope that they entertained you as much as they entertained me!**

 **Until next time, this is SSSRHA, signing out!**


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